Page 18 of Even More Christmas Magic and Romance
Barbara sniffled. “I don’t have a home anymore.”
Stanley sat on Barbara’s other side. “Mom, if you want to get your own place, I’ll help you get started.”
I sat forward. “I’m in touch with lots of real estate folks. I’m sure one of them could use your accounting skills.”
Barbara’s eyes brightened. “Really? I feel so useless when it comes to earning my own way.”
Stanley laughed. “Are you kidding? You’ve been the one in our family who always handled the business end of things. And as I remember, you’re a whiz with numbers.”
Barbara shrugged. “I guess I did take care of certain things, but I never put much value on what I did.” She glanced around the table. “Knowing that all of you believe in me helps.”
Stanley spoke up again. “You might lack self-confidence, but trust me, you’re a very competent person.”
My mom sighed. “Barbara, after my divorce a couple of years ago, I struggled with where I was in life. Since then, I discovered how my feelings were just that, feelings. With time I learned to respect myself and my abilities. When I did, the feelings changed, and I had faith that things would turn out okay.”
Barbara smiled. “You’re an inspiration, Grace. I’m so happy we’re getting to know each other.”
For the first time since Stanley’s mother showed up at our house, I saw a glimmer of hope light up her face. It made me take a contented sip of tea as I imagined a brighter future for my mother-in-law. I’d barely swallowed my tea when there was a knock at the front door, and Ben leaping out of his doggie bed. As my bouncy pup ran for the door to greet another visitor, my contented mood faded. I had the feeling I knew who was doing the knocking. I was filled with an instant fear that Stan Sr. was back and that he’d ruin everything. With his dominant personality running the show, Barbara’s short-lived hope of regaining self-worth would be replaced with more feelings of inadequacy.
My ominous musings fell flat. The man Stanley invited in wasn’t his father. Adam stood in the foyer. Adam is a nice looking guy who’s almost the same age as my mom. As far as I know, he’s always acted in a caring way. According to Mom, he can also be very understanding. Instead of concentrating on those good qualities, my worry gene kicked in. A question raced through my mind? How would my mother handle her relationship? Would she continue to give in to neediness?
Earlier that day, I reacted in a very negative way to what was happening in Mom’s life. I did the same thing with Stanley. I had the crazy thought that he could turn into his father. After talking to my sister, I realized how much fear I was in, and fear wasn’t doing me any favors. It was keeping me from knowing I was okay, no matter what changes were happening around me.
My fears and need for stability caused a lot of chaos in the past. For example, I just assumed that my parents would stay together forever. At the same time, I hardly noticed them. I was busy building a career, and that was all I thought about. When their marriage fell apart, I was surprised and angry.
I blamed my father for the divorce. I came up with proof that he’d been the bad guy. My proof didn’t hold up. As we talked about everything and shared our feelings, I developed a much broader perspective on what really went on.
In my Dad’s case, I learned how hard he tried to provide for his family, and how much he loved all of us. He didn’t want to fail my mother or his children, but he and Mom were very different people. Going their separate ways gave each of them time to grow and become more aware. In the end, Mom, Dad, my siblings and I were able to communicate more and find new, satisfying ways to be with each other.
Now, with my mother talking to Adam in a slightly raised voice and seeing my mother-in-law looking hunched over again, I had to trust that no matter what, life could turn out just fine. With that thought, I looked up and noticed Stanley’s eyes. They were open and clear. They looked like that when we first met, and I was panicked about my first Thanksgiving dinner. The dinner ended up being delicious. Later, I found out how delicious love could be when I let it in.
Fifteen
MOM AND ADAM excused themselves shortly after Adam arrived. They went back to Mom’s house. Barbara, Stanley and I decided to go for a walk. With the weather turning colder, I put on gloves. Barbara borrowed a pair of my mittens. Stanley, being his manly self, insisted he wouldn’t be bothered by the cold and even refused to wear his scarf. I’ve learned not to argue with him. Maybe that’s my lesson now. Let others be and simply tend to my own stuff.
The crisp air seemed to agree with Barbara. She was more relaxed and talkative as we strolled down the street. She began to open up about leaving Stanley’s dad. She explained that shewoke up in the middle of the night, thought about her future and panicked.
As usual I wanted to step in and help, but I restrained myself. I’m glad I did because it gave Stanley a chance to talk to her, son to mother.
“What made you panic?” he asked. “I know you talked about some of your feelings earlier, but I’m not quite sure why you decided to leave Dad without letting him know what you were doing.”
Barbara sucked in a deep breath and let it out quickly. “Your father was there, lying in bed next to me, snoring as usual. And I wondered if that was all there was. Would the same thing repeat over and over for the rest of my life? It was a scary thought, and I realized I wanted more.”
Stanley paused. “Mom, have you talked to Dad about your feelings?”
Barbara stood on the sidewalk and avoided Stanley’s gaze. “I don’t think he’d understand if I did talk to him.”
I couldn’t help myself. I blurted out something I needed to know. “Do you still love each other?” I asked.
Barbara smiled at me, like she’d smile at a child, like I was too innocent to understand life’s complexities. “Of course I still love my husband, but that’s one of the reasons I had to leave.”
Maybe Barbara was right about me. Maybe I was a child at that moment because her statement didn’t make sense.
Barbara must have noticed my look of confusion. She took my arm and gave it a gentle shake. “Dear Gloria, when you love someone as much as I love Stanley’s father, you can lose yourself in that love.”
I shook my head and shrugged, still feeling like I was clueless.
Barbara made another attempt at explaining what she meant. “I see the way you look at my boy,” she said with atwinkle in her eye. “But I can tell you’re also aware of who you are. You don’t have to worry about ending up like me.”
