Page 97 of Away With You
“Walk me through it.”
I tug at my ponytail and turn to face her. “It’s hard because I’m not sure I’m clear on what happened. After I left him holdingVictoria in his arms, with that drunken confession playing on repeat in my brain, I was sure he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend. Rosie tried to convince me he’d never do that, but I was sure of what I’d witnessed. So, while I was waiting for him to get back, worst-case scenarios flooded my mind, and I went to a dark place. The kind of dark place I was in after Mum died. And wow, did that scare me.”
Her face creases with sympathy. “I bet it did.”
“And then he returned, and he made it all okay. He was patient and told me what I needed to hear to be okay. He told me he loved me.”
Jade’s pretty face lights up. “He did?”
I sink to the floor and hug my knees to my chest. “Yes. It was amazing.”
“But?”
“But as my heart jumped at his words, my brain kicked into gear. Like I said, I panicked. Instead of savouring the fact that this man—this perfect man—was in love with me, my brain revolted against how much power this perfect man has to hurt me.”
Jade sits down on the floor in front of me and grabs my hand. “Oh, honey.”
“Pathetic, hey? A man tells me he loves me, and I freeze. I’m so broken inside that I couldn’t say it back. I ran away instead.”
We sit in silence, Jade passing me tissues to mop up my endless stream of tears, while I shove the image of Nathan’s hurt face into the far recesses of my mind.
“Well, it’s not all bad. You didn’t react in the best way—”
I snort and she chuckles, then adds, “But you can fix it.”
My stomach clenches, and I push to standing again. “But that’s it, Jade. I’m not sure Iwantto fix it. This entire mess of a day confirmed to me that I’m not ready to be in a relationship.And even if I was, I’m never going to be ready to be in a relationship with him.”
“Why?” Her face is scrunched up, and she looks annoyed. Like she wants to shake me.
Fair.
“Come on, Jade,” I say, attempting and failing to scoop up a disgruntled-looking Nuke. She’s been this way since I arrived home alone, without her favourite man in tow. “In what world do I end up with Nathan? He’s uber-famous, richer than the King, looks like a movie star and spends ten months of the year travelling the world. And then there’s me. Lives in a dodgy flat in Brixton, works in a lab, a complete nobody. It’s like I’m setting myself up for heartbreak. And if that’s the case, if we’re inevitably going to fail; why not stop it before it even begins?”
Jade views me through narrowed eyes. “Do you know what this sounds like to me?”
“A reasonable perspective?” I hazard a guess.
“No, it sounds like someone who is making lots of excuses so she can go back into her shell and continue living half a life. This sounds like someone who has given up trying to be happy.”
Her words are like shots fired, and each one hits its desired target. “That may be true, but it doesn’t mean I’m entirely wrong. Even Nathan’s mum pointed out that our relationship is doomed to fail, that I’m not suitable for his world. It’s better to end it now, before either of us gets hurt. More hurt,” I add, noting her expression.
Her lips purse, and she tilts her head, not giving one inch. “I concede nothing. Nothing Nathan’s mum said was genuine; she wanted you out of the way from the start. By listening to her, you’re letting her win. Don’t do that to Nathan. Or yourself.”
I swallow down her disapproval and flop back on the couch, grabbing Nuke again and forcing her to stay in my arms. “Jade, please. I know you want to help, but I can’t do this. I hearwhat you’re saying, but I also know how I feel. And after how it went down today, I know I’m not ready. I’m not ready for a relationship with Nathan. Not now and perhaps, not ever.”
She deflates, sitting down next to me and pulling me in for a side hug. “Okay, I’ll leave it for now. But you will need to speak to Nathan about how you’re feeling at some point. Sooner rather than later.”
I exhale a relieved breath, turning to face the TV and trying to shut out all her words. All her reasonable words, which have me doubting everything I thought was right. I know I’m operating from a place of fear, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be right as well.
We settle into a comfortable quiet, which is broken by a sudden loud knock on the door. In unison, we peer over our shoulders and then back at each other.
“Did you order food?” I ask somewhat hopefully. I may be heartbroken, but I could still smash a slice of pizza or two.
Jade shakes her head, a knowing grin growing on her lips. “That’s not food.” She gets up to answer the door. “That’s your sooner.”
Puzzled, I turn her words over as she opens the door, my stomach flipping, then sinking, as realisation sets in.
Nathan is here. Ruffled, damp, beautiful Nathan is at my door. And the conversation Jade advised needed to happen was about to happen. Way sooner than I expected.
