Page 108 of Without Bound
“I’m sorry, man. I’m sorry for thinking you were taking advantage of Anais. I’m sorry for laying my hands on you. I’m sorry for ever thinking you were anything but a friend. And I’m sorry for all of the turmoil I’ve caused.”
I sit quietly for a minute, thinking and processing. I war with myself over instantly forgiving him, forgetting all that has happened just to have my brother back. But the hurt is so deep, a scab that has barely begun to heal, I just do not know how to move forward.
“You know I didn’t plan for this to happen? I never wanted to jeopardize our friendship, but sometimes your heart doesn’t listen to your brain when it comes to the person you love.” I shrug because that’s all I have to give.
Then I think about the way his fist flew at me, not caring who he was hurting or how, and my anger starts to boil. I’ve had plenty of time to think about that day, and while I know I can forgive, I don’t know that I’ll ever forget. This has the words pouring from my mouth.
“Am I not good enough for her? Would you rather her meet some punk that really would take advantage of her? Shouldn’t it be enough that I love her so much that I’d lay my life on the line for her? Because that is exactly what I did. I went into this knowing you’d be angry, but I also knew that I’d do anything for her. I’d never lift a finger to you. Yet you had no problems destroying me. My heart, our friendship. Did it ever cross your mind just to stop and listen?”
“I know. I was just in shock and then upset because everyone hid it from me and I just…I lost it.” He pauses and drops his head into his hands, scrubbing his face. “You’re my best friend, Bish. You’re my brother and I’m hurt that you would pursue a relationship with my niece, and then hide it from me.”
“He didn’t pursue me. I just wouldn’t allow him to not see me.” I look over Nix’s shoulder to see Anais standing there, her hair in smooth waves and her makeup done to simple perfection.
I see Nix’s jaw click, realizing she has obviously been staying with me. He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment, then opening them to see her again. She walks over to the table, dressed in nothing more than a Rice sweatshirt and leggings, and sits in the last open chair.
“Do you know how many times Bishop acted like I didn’t exist but I did everything in my power to make him notice me. I willed him to look in my direction. I tested his limits, and pushed him far beyond what any other man could handle. I told myself I wouldn’t stop until he broke because I knew, in my heart, that we were meant for each other.”
She places her hand on mine and my first instinct is to pull away. But I’m tired of cowering in the dark, so I flip my hand over and lace our fingers together. Nix watches with a keen eye, and I can tell he’s biting back the words he so desperately wants to say.
“It’s going to take me a little time, okay? This isn’t easy for me.”
“You think it was easy for me? Hiding something this big from my best friend? I wanted nothing more than to share this with you. The way you shared your feelings for Viv with me, I wanted the same. Ifinallyfound the one, but I couldn’t celebrate the fact because I knew how you’d react.Everyoneknew. We all have to tiptoe around you, man. And I’m sorry that she just happens to be your niece, but I won’t apologize for loving her.” My chest heaves and Anais rubs my arm, reminding me that if nothing else exists, we have one another.
Nix rubs his palms over his face and Vivian lays her hand on his back for support.
“Fuck. I know you’re right. It’s just hard to process it all. To admit that the little girl whose hand I held when she was scared is grown up. To realize that she’s in love with my best friend and that I hurt him. I know the kind of man you are, and I know you don’t do anything without thinking about it first. The pros, the cons, the what if’s. And yeah, I’d sure as shit want to kill some punk for laying his hands on her. But in that moment, all I saw was how you two betrayed me.”
“Just like always, you can’t see past your anger,” Anais adds, only adding to the guilt he carries.
He looks at her, emotion swirling thickly in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Peanut. The way I hurt you, it’s an indescribable pain. All I’ve ever wanted is to protect you. But now I see just how I’ve hurt you. It hit me when you walked out right before Christmas. It was the first time we didn’t celebrate as a family. I didn’t have my niece that I’ve spent eighteen Christmases with to witness the joy in her eyes when she opened her gifts. I couldn’t hug her or laugh while we made a mess in mom’s kitchen. No leaving cookies for Santa and writing a silly letter, asking for outrageous gifts. Then I thought about what it would be like to have Bishop there with us, celebrating and creating new memories as part of our family. And it hurt knowing that I may have ruined all of that. Forever.”
I watch his throat work up and down to swallow back the emotions that clog it. My heart that I had convinced didn’t need anyone but Anais, suddenly reconsiders its stance on shutting everyone else out.
“I’m sorry, too. To both of you. Ana, you were right to call me out. I acted horribly to a guy who’s always been our protector. I couldn’t see past Phoenix’s anger long enough to realize that he finally found what he had been looking for all of these years.”
I observe her and see a sight that the tough gal Viv rarely shows. The emotional, vulnerable side proves that the hard exterior is simply a coat of armor. A tear falls and I can’t take it anymore. I slide my chair back and go to Viv, scooting her chair back and picking her up in a big bear hug.
She hugs me back, as tight as her little body lets her, and she quietly cries into my shoulder. She’s my best friend and I can’t stand to see her hurt.
“I’m sorry, Bish. I was a bad friend and I will never do that again. Please forgive me because I can’t stand the distance and I miss my friend. The girls all miss their fifth sister. Gossip time just isn’t the same without you.”
“What?” Nix is loud but his face reflects the hurt he feels. “You all let him gossip with you? Damn, Peaches. Do I mean nothing to you?”
Vivian rolls her eyes then smarts, “Oh my god. You are so needy. I’ll add you to the gossip chain. But don’t come bitching when Cami and CeCe start talking about all the crazy sex they’re having with their husbands.”
His eyes grow large and his normally olive skin looks slightly puce.
“Never mind. I’m fine being out to the loop.” He looks at me as if to ask if I’mokay with that?
I hold up my hands and tell him, “Hey man, I don’t love knowing some of this shit, but I’ve gotten used to it. I just try to block it out. Especially the shit Viv says about you two.”
This has Nix smiling wide and proud. “Oh yeah? What’s she saying?”
I shake my head because there is no way in hell I’m repeating those words.
“So do you forgive me or what, Bish? I’m not one for groveling on my knees, but I’ll do it if I have to.”
I chuckle and it rumbles deep in my chest. “Getting on your knees isn’t necessary. I’m not sure Nix would like that too much.” I pull her back into my arms and rest my chin on her little head. “I missed you too, Red. And I forgive you. I did a long time ago. I was just waiting for you to catch up.”
