Page 111 of Dare You to Run
I hang my head, the guilt weighing heavy on me. “Let me earn it.”
“And how the hell are you going to do that?”
“The only way I know how. Loving you like I’ll never love another. If you say it’s over, you have to know that there will never be another to take your place. Your side of the bed will stay empty, and the back of my bike will never have another occupant. You’re the only backpack I want riding with me.” I cautiously reach for her and she flinches when I run my finger down her cheek. “You’re irreplaceable, Dagen McCallan. You’re the light in my dark world and without you I can’t see. It will only ever be you.”
She clutches her fist to her chest and cries, a deep guttural sob racking her body. The flowers are forgotten as I drop them to the floor, and I jump on the bed, enveloping her in my arms. She gasps for air between her wails and I just keep holding her through it.
“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I’ll never leave again. Please, Dagen. Please forgive me.”
She pushes me away with a shrill. A hand stings my cheek when it makes contact. Then my chest. She balls her hands and punches my shoulders, my arms, and bangs on my chest. I don’t try to stop her. In fact, I welcome the pain.I want to feel just an ounce of the turmoil she isliving through. Nothing will ever compare to what she’s suffered, but if using my body helps to heal her one thread at a time, I’ll let her use me until the end of time.
“I needed you!” She continues to hit and punch and I sit with my arms limp at my sides, letting her use my body anyway she wants. “Our baby is gone, Hendrix.”
Her arms grow weak and the punches stop. I pull her in and lay back with her tucked tightly. My shirt is tear soaked but my heart is healing. The feel of her skin on mine is like home and I don’t ever want to be anywhere else.
“I wish I had been strong enough to save her,” she whimpers.
“Her? It was a girl?” I suddenly feel like the air has been sucked from my lungs.
She shakes her head while circling her finger on my chest. “I don’t know. I didn’t ask. But I had this sense that it was.”
“Can I confess something?” Her eyes look into mine, so wide and so sorrowful. “I thought it was a girl, too. Every time I saw AJ, something tugged at me. I think it was a sign.”
Moments of silence pass and I’m grateful just to continue to hold her. My fingers run up and down her spine while her hiccups start to slow.
“I love you, Dagen. I’ll do anything to show you that I’m not going anywhere.”
She sniffles then pushes away from me. It’s an immediate cold emptiness and I already feel like I’m dying inside.
“I need you to leave, Hendrix,” she says with a hardened face.
“But wh-y?”
“Why? Really? I’m supposed to just forgive the minute you drop me a smile and anI love you? It’s going to take more than that. And right now, that more is time.”
My mouth falls open and I stare at her, hoping that she’ll let out one of her glorious laughs and pull me into her arms with a forgiving kiss. When she doesn’t, I feel like I’m choking on my own sorrow.
She sets her hands down on her bed and slowly pushes herself further and further away from me, until she sits at the edge of the opposite side.
I gather myself and stand on trembling legs. My eyes plead with her to please not do this. Her response is to turn away from me, stealing away the eyes that make my heart race.
I pick up the flowers that lay forgotten on the floor, and place them gently on her bed. My feet take to her door and my hand meets the cold metal for the handle.
Before leaving, I look at her over my shoulder and say, “The black rose has many meanings, all that I think really apply. Mourning. Strength and resilience. New beginnings. And the most important of all, eternal love. We’re going to have it all and more. I promise.”
This time, I won’t let her down.
FORTY-FIVE
The day Hendrixwalked out of my room was one of the hardest moments in my life, right below losing our baby. But I need time, I need space without him. I need to be able to think without his words and his touches. They only break me down. I can’t do that right now.
Once the door clicked shut, I let myself fall apart once again. Sobs choked the air that tried to work itself free, and my body crumbled to pieces. Mom came in, presumably seeing Hendrix leave, and Dad shortly followed.
“Sweetheart. What happened?”She gathered me up in her arms and rocked me.
“I need time to think. I just… I don’t know.”The consequences of my actions, forcing Hendrix to leave, was now settling like a boulder on my chest.
Dad sandwiched me between them, circling his arms around both of us, and letting me cry my body to sleep.
