Page 36 of Make Your Shot
After a few minutes pass, I pull myself up out of bed and head directly into the bathroom, not stopping until I’m stepping beneath the hot water in the shower. Just for good measure, I turn it a bit hotter, feeling the scorching heat seeping through my skin as I stand directly beneath the stream, letting it flow over my body.
I stay in the shower until the water turns warm, until I’ve scrubbed myself three separate times, as if the action alone is going to wash away the guilt. Like it will wash away a single ounce of my pain.
Tella is still in bed, as she should be, so I get dressed, brush my teeth, and head down to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. My appetite is nonexistent and I don’t imagine it will come at all today. It feels weird for it to be another year passing. Amelia is frozen as a twenty-five year old. She’s frozen in that year, not movingforward with the rest of the world as the earth continues to spin.
It’s such a weird fucking thing, I hate thinking about it.
Leaving my coffee black, I grab my mug and head out onto the back deck, just as the sun begins to rise. Taking a seat, I stare out at the pool and lift my coffee mug to my lips as I watch the sunlight shimmer on the surface of the water. I don’t know how I’ve lost count of the days, but the guilt seeps heavily into my soul, weighing on my shoulders. I’ve never once forgotten her birthday. I’ve never once forgotten the day that tears me apart inside.
I take another sip of my coffee, allowing the guilt to encapsulate me as I lift my gaze from the pool and up to the sky. It’s a beautiful morning and it’s quiet, which weirdly feels fitting for the day to remember Amelia. These kinds of mornings were always her favorite.
Reaching into my front pocket, I pull out my phone and open up my text messages. My eyes scan the names listed and their respective threads, pausing when they stumble upon Mia’s name. She’s supposed to be coming later for when I have to go to practice, but I’m not sure I want to see her—not on a day like today. I don’t want her to see me like this, like a shell of a person.
I suck in a deep breath and instead tap on my therapist’s name.
I forgot to schedule an appointment. Do you have any time available today?
Sandy
Of course. Can you do eight thirty?
Virtual?
Sandy
I’ll send you a link.
After closing out of her messages, I send a text to Andi.
Can Tella come over to your house today during practice?
She texts me back immediately.
Andi
Anything you need.
Then it’s followed by a separate text from Carson.
Carson
Did you order a cake?
My throat bobs as I swallow hard.
Yes.
Carson
Send me the details. I’ll pick it up after practice.
My nostrils flare, emotion welling deep inside my chest. Three years ago, Carson decided we still needed to celebrate Amelia’s birthday, even ifshe isn’t here to celebrate with us. She was always the life of the party and if there was something to celebrate, she was putting some kind of an event together.
It feels weird, celebrating without her, but in a way, it’s more for Tella than anything. For the last three years, Tella and I have been going over to Carson’s to have dinner, cake, and spend the evening telling our favorite stories about Amelia.
She was detached from her family, so we were always all that she had.
I send the details for the cake pick up to Carson, then look back through my messages. My finger hovers over Mia’s name. I should have given her a heads up. I should have made these plans before today, but here we are.
