Page 24 of Every Sunset
“He…he can drive. He’s a good driver, actually,” I blurted.God, what was I doing?I sounded insane, even to my own ears. I needed to keep my mouth shut. I was exhausted and overwhelmed, and it was making my instability show.
“I’m sure he is, but I’m already here. How about you just let me take you home for now, okay?” Maddox said, as he held my arm a little tighter, bringing me to a stop beside him. “You’re tired, Anna. My truck’s just down the street,” he added in a cajoling tone. I took a breath and looked up to meet his eyes again. This time all humor was gone from his face and he just looked concerned, his brow furrowed as he seemed to study me.
“Yeah,” I sighed as I forced myself to just calm down. “You’re right. Sorry. I just…I guess I am kinda tired. I’d appreciate a ride.”
“Are you good if I wrap my arm around you? I want to help you to the truck,” he asked softly, as if he feared he set of my volatility again.
“I’m okay. I can make it to the truck,” I assured him with a roll of my eyes. “And you don’t have to tip toe around me. I’m not actually crazy. I’m just tired and I…I guess I kinda freaked when Neil went to touch me. I’m not good with strangers touching me,” I admitted, desperate to form some reasonable explanation for my behavior.
“He’s your boss?”
“I don’t really know him though. He doesn’t talk much. Don’t get me wrong, he seems nice enough. I just…I don’t know him enough.”
“And me? Do you know me enough?” he asked as he turned and looked for me to follow as we started heading back the way we came.
“I’m not scared of you, if that’s what you mean. You already touched me and I didn’t freak. Hell, you’re the first person to hug me the way you did, other than Max since…well, I can’t even remember.”
I wasn’t sure I had ever been held the way Madd held me that day he cleaned up my hands. My father certainly never hugged me. He barely tolerated me. And there had never really been a boyfriend in my life. I guess one of my very rare hook ups over the years may have briefly held me in the moment, but if they did it wasn’t anything memorable like the way Maddox had held me. Or when Logan had held me that very morning. Those hugs made me feel safety and comfort like I had never known, and I would never forget either of them.
“Then you need more. Everyone should have someone to hold them when they need it,” he told me, then before I knew it his arm was around my shoulders and pulling me into his side as we walked. I was taken by surprise and stiff at first, but I relaxed quickly, not scared Maddox would hurt me even for a moment, which was likely fool hardy of me, but I just felt safe with him.
I wrapped my free arm around his waist and held him too. It was a mistake to let him so close and I knew it, but he offered something I had never had before, and I wanted it too much to deny myself it. Peace. He gave me peace when he pulled me close and surrounded me with his strength. I felt safe, but more than that, I felt like I wasn’t drowning just for those few moments.
And Iwasdrowning the rest of the time. Always drowning. Always having to fight like hell to keep kicking to the surface for those short, desperate gasps of air that would allow me to survive. I thought maybe I was born drowning. I never remembered a time in my life when I didn’t worry and fret. Even my earliest memory was of me alone in the crumbling house. I don’t know how long my dad had been gone on one of his benders, but I remember the feeling of knowing hunger as I tried to find a way to climb on the kitchen counter to reach cabinets for food.
As I got older my dad took his rage out on me when he lost at whatever gambling he was into at that time. He raged at me when there was no money for his beer, and hit me if I dared to ask for money to buy food, or desperately needed clothes. Family services had visited us several times, but they obviously saw something in my dad I never got the luxury of, and left me with him.
At thirteen I managed to get my first job cleaning a local bar in the mornings. The owner paid me under the table in cash. Afterthat I worked for every penny I could to take care of myself. Of course, my father stole what he could from me at every opportunity, and hit me for hiding cash from him. It was tough, but it was just my life.
School was no better. I was the subject of ridicule from my first day – the scruffy kid in clothes that didn’t fit. To the other kids I was trash, even when I got polder and bought myself clothes that did fit, and learned to take care of myself. I worried constantly about hiding the bruises my father inflicted and I was always an academic failure, especially when I started to work shifts as a server in seedy bars and even a strip club at one time, working late into the night and never getting enough sleep.
Then I found out I was pregnant and my entire life changed, but I was still drowning, always fighting for every single breath I took, and barely managing to stay above the water. Only once Max was born I was fighting not just to keep myself above water, but my son too. I fought like hell because I was determined to give him a life where he never felt as ifhewere drowning, but it wasn’t easy. Drowning, always drowning. The struggle never seemed to end. I was thirty-one years old, but I felt so much older.
But there, as Maddox held me, I couldn’t even feel the water trying to drag me under. It was like he had wrenched me free and was holding me afloat, safe and calm. It had been the same when he held me before, and with Logan that morning. I didn’t understand why they could do that for me, but they just could. Maybe deep down I trusted them enough to feel safe in their hold, but I shouldn’t. Not when I barely knew them. I also knew that too, And once again, the water was returning. Drowning again.
I pulled from Maddox’s hold, making myself see sense. I couldn’t give into peace and safety, because it wasn’t real! I didn’t know Maddox or Logan. I was just a mess and they seemed to be the answer that I needed to get me through. I couldn’t let my guard down again. I was a fool to do it once and I would pay for that for the rest of my life. Worse still, so would my son.
“You okay?” Maddox asked as he pulled open the passenger door of his truck.
“Of course,” I nodded with a calm I didn’t feel.Why did it feel like I was tearing myself apart inside?“I climbed into the truck and settled into the passenger seat, busying myself with fastening the seat belt as Maddox closed the door. By the time he was sitting beside me, I had my stare firmly set out of the window and I was telling myself not to look at him again.
Thankfully, Maddox didn’t say anything either and the drive back was silent.
I was unfastening my belt and leaping from the car the very second Maddox brought it to a stop. I had to get away from him. I wasn’t strong enough to deny him if he locked those intense eyes on me and asked me what was wrong. I’d crumble and I knew it, and that I couldn’t do.
I raced around the side of the house, practically running to flee Maddox and just get to the safety of the cottage before he came after me.
“Mom!” Max called, forcing me to pause just as the solace of my home came into sight. I turned, taking a deep breath as I moved, trying to find the calm I wanted Max to see. I looked towards the house. Max was jogging towards me across the lawn, still dressed in his lifeguard uniform, from his job.
“Hey. Everything okay?” I asked him as he slowed to a stop before me.
“Great. Logan invited us to eat with them. He’s grilling steaks and they look so good! Where were you going? Did Maddox pick you up?”
“He did. I was heading home. I’m not really hungry,” I replied, trying to keep my smile firmly in place to reassure him.
“You need to eat more. Did you even eat before you left for work? There were no dishes in the kitchen when I got home?” he asked, sounding so much older than he was.
“Jesus, you sound like my dad!” I laughed, praying it looked real, “Well, notmydad, but you know…like a real dad.”
