Page 78 of Every Sunset
“Let’s just get some coffee. When’s the last time you ate anything?” I asked, not ready to dive into deep conversation just yet, and I wasn’t sure Logan was ready to either. He looked dead on his feet.
“Please don’t, Anna. I already feel shitty enough about the way I treated you, without you being nice and worrying about me,” he almost pleaded as he lowered his gaze to the ground.
“Hey!” I said as I placed my hands either side of his face and lifted it until his eyes met mine. “I’m not going to say you didn’t hurt me yesterday, but I don’t want you beating yourself up over it. You were entitled to feel the way you felt, and you still are. I’m a big girl. I can handle it.”
“I didn’t…I…I don’t…” It was the first time I had ever seen Logan struggle to find his words and I took mercy on him.
“Food and coffee, then we can talk, okay?” I said, cutting him off. He just nodded and moved behind me as I went over to the counter. I ordered us all coffees and three different sandwiches. I wasn’t hungry, but I was hoping if the food was on the table, Logan would realize how starved he was and would eat it. Logan dove in to pay for the order before I could, and when I looked up at him to argue he just gave me a pleading look, which I instantly gave in to. If it made him feel better to pay, I could give him that.
Logan insisted on carrying the tray filled with our order when it was ready, so I followed him over and we both took a seat with Max. I handed Max a coffee, despite him saying he didn’t want one, then laid out the sandwiches on the table. Relief flooded me when Logan grabbed half a cheese salad sub and took a bite. I noticed as he brought it to his mouth that his hand was trembling slightly, which was so unlike him.
Max busied himself stirring sugar and creamer into his coffee, which was what I was hoping he would do when I bought him the coffee – a distraction from just glaring at a clearly beaten and battered Logan.
“Maybe we should take Maddox up a coffee? I don’t suppose he’ll enjoy the sludge they serve with the crappy food,” I said after a few tense moments of silence.
“Yeah, he’s been complaining about the coffee and food all morning. I told him I’d go and get him a burger and decent coffee while you were with him,” Logan replied.
“Is he in a lot of pain?” I asked.
“He says not, and he’s refusing any painkillers the nurses offer him. He doesn’t like to take strong drugs. They mess with his head and since the head injury…well, he says his head is messed up enough,” Logan explained. “That’s why I acted that way yesterday, not that it’s a valid excuse, but I…I saw Logan laid out and bleeding and all I could think of was before…when I found him before…”
“After he was run over and attacked, you mean?” I questioned.
“I found him that night, you know? He was late meeting me, which wasn’t like him and he wasn’t answering his phone, so I tracked his location with this app we had. I walked out of the club and around the building and there he was, laid on the ground, covered in blood, his leg barely attached below his knee anymore. He wouldn’t wake up then either. I was so sure he was going to die, just like I was sure I was going to lose him yesterday too. Fucker keeps surprising me and holding on though, thank fuck,” Logan gasped. He was breathless, like talking was too much exertion on his exhausted body, and his eyes were filled with tears. He pushed his shaky hand through his hair as he glanced nervously to Max.
“I know what happened to Madd before,” Max told him. “He told me when I asked about his leg.”
“It was bad. The brain injury caused him these horrific symptoms at first. He’d have these night terrors that broke him, and he’d wake up yelling and crying out every time he slept. His paranoia was really bad too. When he was in the hospital herefused to trust anyone but me. He would go through days when he wouldn’t allow any of the medical staff to come anywhere near him, and if they tried he got violent. But it was his fear that was the worst thing. He was so scared and traumatized after what had happened to him, and because of the his own brain messing with him. He’d try to hide if he were ever left alone, and when I was there he’d hold on to me the way he used to when he was a terrified kid, like I were the only thing that could keep him safe.
“What happened to him…it destroyed him. Even when I got him home he refused to leave the house, and his fears and paranoia just got worse. I had to sleep in his room with him every night for over three months, because if he woke up alone he’d get so scared that I feared he’d end up hurting himself.
“It took so long for his doctors to get his meds right to help him, and once they did and he started to come back to who he’d been, he realized how much he’d lost and sank into depression. His leg. His career. His future as he knew it. It was all gone. So was my brother. I only started to get him back when the two of you came into our lives.”
“So yesterday it brought it all back, seeing him laid out and bleeding. You thought it was happening all over again?” I pushed.
“Yeah, and I was so fucking angry and scared, but I wasn’t really mad with you, Anna. I turned it on you, and I don’t know why I did that, but it was myself I was blaming. It was me who failed my brother all over again.”
“You failed my mom too. She died, Logan! She wasn’t breathing for all the minutes it took me to get her out of the water and the time it took to resuscitate her. She was in pain, scared, and blaming herself for all of it, and you made that worse. You leftus! You promised us you’d always be there, but you left us when we needed you! You blamed my mom when she was already in pieces and you broke her!” Max cried as he swiped angrily at his teary eyes.
“Max, don’t. Logan needed to be with Maddox. I get that. I’m not angry with him for that,” I argued.
“Well I am! You needed him, and he was nowhere. He didn’t even care to ask if you were alright? He didn’t even check on you when you were rushed in here! If he loves you like he said, he’d have at least acted like he cared!”
“You’re right, Max. Everything you’ve said is right. I was a complete asshole yesterday, not just to your mom, but to you too. I’m not trying to make excuses. I never should have behaved the way I did. Trust me, Maddox will kick my ass for it as soon as he’s back on his feet,” Logan said. “I just…I need you both to know that I wasn’t thinking straight, not at all. I was lost in memories of what Maddox went through before, and terror of losing him completely this time. He’s literally the only family I have, and have had for years now. I can’t lose him and I…I got too caught up in that fear. I let it take over all of my sense and reason and I abandoned the both of you when you needed me. I’m so fucking sorry for that. Please never doubt how much I care for both of you. I was just…I was selfish yesterday, completely and utterly, and I hate myself for that. I always will.”
“I don’t want you to feel that way, Logan. I understand how scared you were yesterday. I’d have been the same if anything had happened to Max. They’re all we have. I get that completely, and I’m sure Max does too, especially after yesterday and what happened to me, right?” I looked to Max and he reluctantly nodded.
“I never blamed you, sweetheart. I was just freaking out and I…I couldn’t be with you without him. I said things I didn’t mean because I just n-needed you to stay at arm’s length. I just couldn’t even contemplate being with you without Madd, and being close to you…well. It just would have made it all so much more terrifying. I’m so sorry for everything though. I was a complete idiot, and Maddox has told me as much too. He’s really pissed with me for letting the both of you down. Even if you can’t forgive me, please don’t walk away from him. He needs you.”
“And you don’t?” I asked, rather brazenly, but I had to know.
“Yes! Jesus Anna, yes! I need you too, damn it. I need you and Max in my future desperately, but I know how badly I messed up, and I’ll understand if you can’t get past that,” Loga admitted as he looked nervously between Max and I. “Please don’t tell me I fucked everything up. I love you both. I want you in my life, Madd and I both do. I never meant….I just….yesterday was so messed up!”
“Yeah, it was,” Max agreed. “You’re right about that.”
“It was a horrendous day and we all went through more than we should ever have to,” I also agreed.
“So maybe we put it behind us? Move on and try to overcome it all?” Max suggested, taking me completely by surprise. That was not what I expected him to say. I wanted to forgive Logan, but I was worried about Max’s reaction if I did. I never expected him to be willing to forgive too.
