Page 42 of Everything After
He nodded in agreement. “That’s encouraging,” he muttered.
“Encouraging?” I repeated, that shard of hope fading the instant I heard that word. “I’m glad you’re pleased that I feel like this.”
“It’s better than feeling indifferent,” he muttered flatly.
“I haveneverbeen indifferent about you,” I snapped, the indignance of the accusation immediately wounding me. “Look at all that we’ve been through, and we’re still together,” I argued.
“Are we?” he probed, his eyes narrowing.
A jolt of electricity ran through me. The shockwave made my heart pound wildly, sending pins and needles coursing through me until I felt dizzy.
“Are you here to tell me we’re not?” I asked, fear gripping me until I felt sure I’d pass out if he told me he wasn’t coming back.
“Why haven’t you told your bandmates about us?” he asked without answering my question. I could have said becausevoicing that you’d left me would make our situation real, and I hadn’t wanted to face that you thought I’d failed us.
I shrugged again instead because I had no clue what he wanted to hear. From the dark look in his eyes and the deep frown creasing his brow, I doubted anything I said would have changed what he believed to be the reason.
“Don’t have an answer or don’t want to say?” he accused.
“I’ve been more focused on how to show you how much you mean to me.”
“Okay, show me,” he prompted sternly, his shoulders tensing like they had during Rick and Lennie’s visit.
“What do you want me to do? Leave the band?” I asked in desperation.
Alfie’s brow raised in interest. “Would you?”
“To keep you, of course,” I answered without hesitation. But if he continued to live his dream and I’d given up mine, I’d resent him for making me choose.
“I think you know me well enough not to pose that question, Lily. I’d never separate you from something that makes you whole.”
“Then I don’t know what else to do,” I answered in all honesty.
“I love you. But I’m not prepared to lose who I am or what I need anymore to keep you,” he replied.
“It sounds like you want me but want the freedom to do what you want at the same time.”
Alfie swiveled on his stool to face me, took my face in his hands, and the weight of pain in his eyes slayed me. A lump of sadness grew in my throat again as I stared into the loving eyes of the only man who had ever held my heart.
When I swallowed roughly, Alfie’s eyes dropped briefly to my mouth, and he drew my head toward him. For a second, I thought he was going to kiss me. Then, as if he changedhis mind, he pressed his lips to my temple and whispered, “It doesn’t mean I want freedom, it means I need more. I want the woman who’s with me to need me as much as I need her.”
“I do need you,” I protested wholeheartedly, pulling back to look at him. “I miss you every day that we aren’t together.”
“That’s a lot of ‘missing each other’,” he argued. “Do you know how many days we’ve spent together in the past eighteen months?” I shook my head. “Sixty-six. Yeah, I counted. Do you know how many days there have been in the past eighteen months?” I shook my head again. “Five hundred and forty-seven. Let me save you the math, we’ve spent twelve percent of those days together. That other eighty-eight percent has slowly been killing me.”
“It can’t be so few days,” I argued.
“Those days together might have been enough for you not to notice, Lily, but they’ve not been nearly enough for me.”
CHAPTER 25
ALFIE
“I can try to do better,” Lily said. I felt encouraged the moment I’d heard a plea of desperation in her tone, but I held her direct, sad gaze longer than I should have. “I can tell you mean that,” I murmured. “But another few days visitation here and there in a year won’t cut it for me anymore.”
“So youdowant me to leave the band,” she insisted.
“Lily, hear me when I tell you, I don’t want you to leave your fucking band. The point is that I want to matter. No, Ineedto matter.”
