Page 49 of Everything After
Feeling hot, I shrugged off my leather jacket and pressed my back against the cool wall behind the kitchen door. Then, I took several deep breaths with my right hand over my chest and closed my eyes to calm myself down.
I don’t know how long I’d been standing there until Lily spoke near me. I glanced down at her, meeting her red-rimmed eyes. My palms itched to pull her into my chest and make all the hurt go away, but I believed if I’d done that, she’d never have understood how the gravity of our situation had affected me.
“Can we talk. I need to fix this,” she softly murmured.
“I dunno… I don’t know if wecanbe fixed.” I shook my head and took a deep breath because I still couldn’t trust that I wouldn’t lose my shit with her.
Her eyes closed and with her ashen complexion, she appeared visibly shaken by my words. When she opened them again, I could see she was fighting back tears. “Please.” She reached out to take my hand, then thought better of it. Her fingers curled into a fist, and she held it against her chest. “Can we sit down… maybe have something to drink while we work this out?”
I agreed because she was pregnant and may have been thirsty. I still cared about her… loved her with a passion, and I had no clue how I’d survive without her. But my heart hurt worse than I’d ever been hurt before. I held out an arm and gestured toward the small kitchen table. Lily took my cue and went over and sat down. Going to the fridge, I pulled out two bottles of water and sat down opposite her.
When my eyes met hers, I figured she was only one swallow away from bursting into tears again. Knowing I couldn’t stay strong if she became distressed, I broke eye contact and stared blindly out of the window.
“So what do you want to say?” I asked flatly.
For a few seconds she didn’t respond, and I figured she was gathering her thoughts. Then without prompting she asked, “What happened to us?”
I stole a glance toward her and shook my head. “You tell me.”
“I love you, Alfie. I know now that I’ve not been the best wife,” she admitted.
“How do you know?” I challenged.
She huffed and her cheeks turned pink. “Jack and Elle both roasted me for neglecting you. But I guess I was blind to the damage I was doing to our relationship. I mean you’ve never voiced that you felt unhappy when you came to see me. It didn’t occur to me that it upset you.”
“Not once?” I queried.
As if a lightbulb went on Lily’s eyes widened in surprise. “When I went back to work with the band after my accident, I visited you on five occasions during those first two years. You might remember that I flew from Hong Kong to Las Vegas to grab a twenty-four-hour visit with you. We only managed three hours together before a last-minute change to Crakt Soundzz schedule meant you had to fly off somewhere else.”
My heart squeezed tight when she reminded me because I felt terrible when I’d had to leave her.
“You might be my husband, but getting to see you can be extremely difficult. Each of those times I visited were poor timing for you. On two occasions we managed to grab six hours in total together over those two days. On the following two visits, I sat and watched a whole Netflix series alone in your hotel suite for one of them, and four movies back-to-back on the other. Hell, the last time I visited you, you never made it back to the hotel at all. After that, I figured it best to leave for whenever you could make time for us.”
“I didn’t hear you complain about that,” I challenged, but I couldn’t deny those things happened.
“How many times have I ever complained to you about the life we lead?”
Lily’s question took my breath away, and I immediately got it. We were both in the wrong because we hadn’t spoken our minds sooner.
I couldn’t argue that Crakt Soundzz had been a global brand much longer than XrAid, and at the times she’d visited our free time was almost non-existent. I remembered feeling bad for Lily at the time, but she’d been so cool about it. I obviously hadn’t considered the impact on her confidence to plan any future spur-of-the-moment visits after that.
I tried to pinpoint the moment when my feelings began to change and realized it had been around the time XrAid leveledup as global artists. I also remember how frustrating it had been, trying to find out when Lily would be free.
During our marriage we had both tried to accept the distance fame brought and not to stifle each other’s creative flow. I realized that had caused the current rift in our marriage.
Now that I knew why her lack of attempts to visit me had impacted negatively on our relationship, I had to accept that I was as much to blame for our current situation as she was.
CHAPTER 30
LILY
When I’d asked how many times I’d ever complained, it appeared to have struck a chord because Alfie flashed me a guilty look. When his eyes softened, I saw the fire within them die because he recognized I had never done that before.
Wandering over to the countertop, he placed his water bottle down and stuffed his hands deep in the pockets of his pants, then paced the length of the kitchen before turning to look at me.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered as he walked slowly toward me. When he drew nearer, the look in his eyes was one I’d been used to before—love.
My body sagged in relief when I saw the anger drain from him and his stance visibly relax. I was tired and emotional which is a terrible combination at the best of times, but the hormone changes swirling around inside me made me feel exhausted from the build-up of tension there had been between us.
