Page 52 of Adrift Without You
“Yep.”
Bren shuffles forward, then stands.
“Here, take this blanket,” I say, passing it to him. “I’ll grab another one and meet you out back.”
When I step outside, I find Bren sitting by the pool, blanket wrapped around his shoulders, smoke in hand. I settle beside him, placing an ash tray between us. It must be almost midnight when I take the cigarette from him.
“You know, I would’ve gotten back together with you if you’d come lookin’ for me after I got out of prison,” he says quietly, eyes remaining on the clear, blue water. “It’s fuckin’ pathetic, but it’s true. I told myself I was done with you, but if you’d wanted me…”
Exhaling the smoke, I pass the cigarette back. “It’s not pathetic. But when you got out of prison I’d already been with James for five years and was father to a three-year-old. I moved on because it was the only way I could get through the days without you. James was a distraction and helped me forget about how I’d treated you. It didn’t work though.” I chuckle glumly. “Still thought about you every goddamn day.”
Bren doesn’t respond straight away. I swallow hard, thinking about all those years he was locked up, without his freedom and under the constant threat of violence, while I was living in luxury.
“I was lost in there without you,” he whispers. “It took me years to get my shit together. I attempted—” Bren stops, glancing briefly at me and then looking back down at the water. “I—I tried to, you know…kill myself.”
My blood runs cold. I don’t know what to do with this. I don’t want to hear it and yet I have to. Rising to my feet, I say, “Can you please give me a sec?”
I walk around the pool and into the garden, knowing I’m handling this all wrong. I clamp my mouth shut, suppressing the screams that want to escape. This is not about me! I can’t be selfish. Bren shouldn’t have to comfort me.
Squatting down, I try to pull it together. There will be endless hours to ruminate on nearly losing him and my accountability in that.
It takes me a good five minutes to calm. As I make my way back to Bren, I know I don’t deserve his forgiveness.
I find him seated on the outdoor sofa. Dropping to my knees in front of him, I bury my face in his lap. His hands stroke up and down my back and then thread into my hair. I want to say I’m sorry and beg for forgiveness, but it doesn’t seem nearly enough.
“I forgive you,” he whispers, as if reading my mind.
I lift my head, our eyes meeting. “I thought you were better off without me. I thought if you stayed with me, you’d end up hating me and leave me. And thenithappened. I was so weak and I couldn’t face any of it. Do you want to talk about it? What happened that night? About prison? Whatever would help.”
“No,” Bren says firmly, closing his eyes and shaking his head. “Talking about that night doesn’t help. I saw a psych in prison, and I’ve done the work. I’m okay, Ky. Just let it go.”
“Okay.”
Bren’s hands come to my face, and he kisses me tenderly. When we pull apart, he reaches for the cigarettes and lights another, passing it straight to me. Accepting it, I inhale deeply then take a seat beside him.
“Ky, I guess there’s only one other thing I’ve always wanted to know.”
I place a hand on Bren’s thigh and wait.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me you loved me?”
It’s a night for hard truths, so I answer as honestly as I can. “I was afraid. In the early days I thought if I said it you might shut me out. You were so against labelling what we had and then as time went on, I don’t know.” I shrug. “I was an idiot. Then you said those three words at the end and if I’d said them then too, I wouldn’t have been able to leave.”
Bren wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me to his side. “You were always more than enough for me. Exactly as you were. I wish you could’ve seen that.”
I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly, trying not to get too emotional again. For my entire life, I’ve never felt like enough. “Well, I’ve paid the ultimate price for it,” I say, reaching for his hand and threading our fingers together. “I broke your heart and my own and now I’ve spent years married to someone I despise. But I’m glad you found Chris. He seems like a great guy, and you deserve to be happy.”
“Ky, you deserve to be happy too.”
I’m not sure that’s true.
Back inside, I prepare a fruit platter for dessert, adding a little cream for the strawberries, then we settle on the living room floor. We’re done with the heavy stuff, and I just want to enjoy the remaining hours we have together.
“Are you ever going to admit that you were jealous of Sean?” I smile smugly, thinking of the boy Bren was convinced was into me in year twelve.
He laughs, then dips a strawberry into the cream and feeds it to me. It makes my heart flutter, doing something so intimate.
“Areyouever going to admit you were jealous of Jessica?” he counters.
