Page 59 of Adrift Without You
When I enter our bedroom, James is standing in the sitting area, hands in pockets. “Sit,” he says, motioning with his head to the armchair in front of him.
“Can’t this wait until tomorrow? I’m tired and would like to go to bed.”
“No, it can’t wait. Sit down, Kyle.”
Taking a deep breath, I walk across the room and lower myself onto the chair. James remains standing. I wait.
“You want to tell me why you were flirting with that man right in front of all my work colleagues?”
“I wasn’t flirting. Maybe he was, but I wasn’t. I was trying to be polite, and I just wanted to talk to Jacqui.Hebumped intome.”
James leans forward, getting right up in my face. “You expect me to believe that? Were you trying to make a fool of me? Is that what it was?”
I look James straight in the eye and try to keep my voice steady. “It doesn’t matter what the fuck I say, you won’t listen. So do what you gotta do.”
“Once a whore always a whore. Right?”
I stand, shoving James backwards. “I wish I never told you what I went through. I trusted you and now all you do is throw it back in my face every chance you fucking get!”
James grabs me by the neck and shoves me back into the chair, knee coming up into my groin, pressing against my balls. “I wouldn’t have to bring it up if you didn’t make it so obvious you wanted to suck every guy’s dick. You’remyhusband and you need to remember your place.”
The grip around my neck is tight, but not so tight that I can’t breathe. He’s usually very careful not to leave marks where people can see.
“Get the fuck off me. I’ll sleep in the spare bedroom tonight.” I start pushing his knee and hand away, having to put all my strength into it. Truthfully, I’m stronger than James, and I could lay him out. But he’s made it clear time and time again that if I do, or if I leave him, he’ll make sure I lose all parental rights and access to Lu. He’s a lawyer, he knows my past, and I’ve been stupid and reckless when manic. I can’t lose Lu. I can’t lose the one person I truly love in this world.
Once I’m on my feet, I rush out of the bedroom, heading towards the stairs.
“Get the fuck back here,” James growls behind me, in pursuit.
Not wanting him to wake Lu, I turn at the top of the stairs, ready to placate him. “I’m sor—”
The sting on my cheek is instant, my head knocked sideways with the force of the slap. My face burns with the humiliation of it. I’d rather he punched me in the stomach or held my arms so tight he leaves fingerprint bruises—both of which he’s done before. “I fucking hate you,” I say, tears blurring my vision. “Leave me the fuck alone.” I shove him hard in the chest, then turn to make my way downstairs.
The hands between my shoulder blades take me by complete surprise. Then I’m falling, hands grabbing at air before my brain can understand what’s happening. The first hit hurts the most, then I tumble, body getting knocked over and over again on the sharp marble steps until I finally come to a stop at the bottom.
He takes me to the hospital. My arm is broken. My body throbs with pain. The doctor questions me alone and asks me if it was an accident. I lie. I say, “I tripped at the top of the stairs.” I say, “Lucky my husband was there to take care of me.”
The next morning, when I step gingerly out of the shower, I inspect my body in the mirror. There are large, swollen, black and red and blue bruises on my shoulder, hip, elbow, knee, and one over my spine that hurts like a motherfucker. I don’t want Lu to see them. When I try to dress myself, I cry, because I can’t and I’ll have to askhim.
It’s useless, I realise. Trying to fight. And I can’t leave. So I need to agree with him and comply. I vow to focus only on my beautiful daughter from this point onwards.
“James,” I call out. “Can you please help me dress?”
A few seconds later he sweeps in with a concerned smile on his face. “Of course, darling. How about fresh pyjamas and back to bed to rest? I’ve taken the day off to look after you. Breakfast in bed to begin with.”
James helps me dress then guides me back to bed. He brings breakfast, then a hundred red roses arrive with a card attached.It says how much he loves me, how sorry he is about the accident and how things will be different this time.
After lunch, another delivery arrives; this time it’s a white gold bracelet, gaudy with too many diamonds.
After dinner he allows Lu to sit between us in bed while we watch Paddington, her favourite movie. When she accidently bumps my bruises, I smile, regardless of the pain. I’ll do anything to protect her from the truth.
Chapter 33
Kyle
Now
After a humiliating visit to my GP, I wait in pathology for my blood test. When I’d asked my doctor for full STD testing including HIV, her raised eyebrows said it all, and I’dlowered my head in shame. My emotions remain all over the place and I’m thinking about calling Dr. Riley.
