Page 62 of Adrift Without You
Approaching hesitantly, I’m almost at his side before he spots me. He stands without a word and pulls me into a tight hug,slapping me on the back a few times. It’s a feeling like no other, and my chest radiates with warmth.
We sit and talk for hours, catching up on all the missed news. I try my damnedest to apologise, telling Nathan I’m going to make it up to him and our sisters, and all Nathan says is, “Forget it, it’s in the past.” He tells me that Lu and I are welcome for dinner anytime and even offers to help with the move.
The only news I leave out is Brendan, although I’m not entirely sure why.
By the time I’m heading home three hours later, I’m certain I’m on the path to setting things right. I’ll keep contacting Natalie and Krystal until they reply too, because I’m not giving up until I’ve made amends with all my siblings.
Chapter 34
Brendan
Now
After my night with Ky, I’d used every ounce of energy lying, finding myself more concerned about getting caught than about what I’d done. At work, I’d told Kate I wasn’t to be disturbed then crashed in my office, head on my desk. Allmorning I’d dozed, then I’d spent the afternoon nervous and agitated, my heart racing like a skittish horse.
Denying my desire to call Ky had been excruciating. I’d wanted to hear his voice and check that he was okay. But, more than that, I had wanted to touch him, to hold him, be comforted by his scent. Images of our night together had been persistent, blood rushing south time and time again, causing me to ache for something I had no right desiring. It was pathetic really, to be so consumed by lust when I had cheated on my husband. Later that night, I’d arrived home late, pretending everything was normal, all the while wondering how I could ever move forward.
But now, five days later, my jaw is finally unclenching and my shoulders finally relaxing. And with that, I can think a little more clearly.
My biggest concern is my lack of guilt. It didn’tfeellike I was doing anything wrong when I was with Ky. Which is messed up because there’s no two ways about it—itwaswrong. But my body and my heart simply don’t agree, no matter how much I try to convince them otherwise.
I wonder if there are two versions of me. One is married to Chris and he’s stable and rational, with his emotions firmly in control. But an essential part of him is suppressed and suffocating. The other version is in love with Ky. He’s red-blooded and passionate, wild and reckless. He’s led by his feelings, his gut, and ultimately, Kyle.
Truthfully, I don’t like either of these versions of myself. If I want to feel whole, I need to find a balance between the two. I can accept that this will never happen with Chris, but I also have my doubts about Ky. He can be unpredictable, and I cannot control him. I never could. And that scares the fuck out of me.
Of course, I shouldn’t even be thinking about this stuff. I’m married. I made my choice many years ago. I told Ky it was one night only, and we said our goodbyes. So why am Itorturing myself like this? We needed that night together—to be vulnerable and raw in a way we couldn’t be when we were boys. The sex had been vital to healing, and maybe that’s why I didn’t feel as bad as I should. Because goddamn it, Ineededto heal. I deserved that much, didn’t I?
Glancing at the clock on the wall, I notice it’s ten minutes until closing time. I’m tired and want to head home, but simultaneously, I don’t. Having to keep a part of myself hidden is unsustainable.
My phone vibrates, and I pick it up. It’s Ky. I’ve saved his number asTiles R Us, a business we buy stock from. More lies.
Kyle:All clear
I’m relieved Ky’s blood test came back negative, yet my heart foolishly sinks at the short, business-like message.
I’m supposed to be watching TV with Chris, but I’m so stuck in my own thoughts I haven’t heard a word. The previous night had been a complete shit show, and I can’t seem to move past it. I’d made the decision to be more honest about my needs and asked Chris to top me. At first, his promise gave me hope, but it soon became clear it was a huge mistake. Once Chris was inside of me, it reminded me of everything I was missing. There was no wildfire igniting under my skin, no frantic rhythm in my chest, and no urgency in the way he moved inside me. He wasn’t chasing salvation in my body like Ky—a man who fucks me like I’m the only thing keeping him alive.
After we’d finished, I’d retreated to the bathroom, hovering over the toilet, trying not to upend my guts. Not only was I thinking of Ky while Chris fucked me, but I was wishing it washim. Finally, the guilt arrived: for not wanting to have sex with Chris anymore, for lying and cheating, for not being with Ky, for being selfish, for screwing everything up. It took three long weeks, but the guilt is beating the living shit out of me now.
“Dan, do you think the guy did it or the old lady? Sweetheart?”
The annoyance in Chris’s voice pulls me from my thoughts. “What?”
“Are you even watching? Who do you think the murderer is? That guy?” Chris points at the screen. “Or the little old lady?”
“Uh, it’s gotta be the old lady, doesn’t it?” I reply, even though I have no clue.
“Dan, do you wanna talk about whatever’s going on with you? It’s like your body is in the room, but your mind is someplace else. You’ve been like this for weeks now.” Chris grabs the remote off the coffee table, turns off the TV, and stares at me.
I take a few seconds to consider what bullshit story I can spin, then dive in. “I’m just sick of work right now. You know, I’m forty and keep wonderin’ if this is what I’ll be doin’ every day until I drop dead.” It’s not a complete lie.
Chris’s face screws up. “You’re not enjoying your business anymore? Well, this came out of nowhere. Is there something else you want to do? Or is there something you could change to make it more enjoyable?”
“I don’t know. I’ve just been thinkin’ about it a lot lately. I don’t wanna rush into any decisions. Maybe I’m havin’ a midlife crisis.” I huff out a laugh, trying to lighten the mood, but it sounds fake as fuck.
“Well, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” Chris reaches out and takes my hand, lacing our fingers together. “You know, it never works out well when you shut yourself off and deny what’s going on.”
“Yeah, true. Actually, I was wonderin’ if we could head up to Sydney and visit Stace for the long weekend. I wouldn’t mind gettin’ away for a few days.”
