Page 66 of Adrift Without You
I’ve just finished helping my team place a new bathtub into position when my phone buzzes with a text notification. Ky’s code name comes up on the screen, so I excuse myself, heading outside to read it.
Kyle:Hope it’s okay to text. I wanted to share my news with you. I’m back at work—posted at the Seaford Depot and I’ve got a new address too—299 Fleetwood Cres, Mount Eliza. And Bren, remember, always and forever!
A huge, stupid smile splits my face, thrilled to know Ky is free of James and back doing what he loves. But, Jesus, it’s hard not being able to tell him how proud I am. I read the last sentence again, sighing, as my mind drifts back to our night together. I shove the urge to reply aside and slip my phone back into my pocket.
But a couple of days later, I’m still stuck on the text message. So, when I find myself returning from a client meeting and only a few streets away from Ky’s new place, a stupid idea pops into my head. The sun is already setting, and Ishouldbe getting home to Chris, but I turn off the main road, pulled by some inescapable force. Or perhaps that’s just the bullshit I tell myself to justify my selfish behaviour.
I park a few houses down on the opposite side of the street and open the car window. Lighting a cigarette, I scan the street, questioning why I’m even here. What can I hope to achieve other than punishing myself? No good can come from this.
I start the engine, stub out the smoke in the ash tray and close the window. I’m about to put my foot on the accelerator when the front door swings open. And there he is, Ky, in blue jeans and a black fitted T that accentuates his broad chest. Ky, with his blonde hair and tanned arms, glowing golden under the rays of the setting sun.
I fall backwards in time to when he was seventeen, smiling at me on the Frankston pier, his blue eyes a mirror of the sparkling clear water below. He was gorgeous then. Now? Devastatingly beautiful. I swallow hard, regret and loss squeezing the air from my lungs.
Ky follows Lucinda as she bounces down the front steps and walks towards their car parked in the driveway. They’re talking and laughing and appear genuinely happy. Ky lovingly places a kiss to Lucinda’s forehead before opening the door for her.
I smile as tears fill my eyes. He’s a good dad and I’m so pleased for him. It’s something he’d always craved. For me, this is a sad reminder of what I lost with Ethan.
I wait until they back out onto the road and drive away, then I make a U-turn, heading in the opposite direction like I know I should.
I’m still on my first glass of wine, while my sister Stacey has moved onto her second. It’s late on Sunday night and her husband and kids are already asleep, while we lounge on the couch. I arrived in Sydney on Friday and I’m heading home tomorrow afternoon. Seeing my niece and nephew has been great, but it’s Stacey I really came to visit. And if I don’t open my mouth soon it’ll be too late to discuss what I travelled all this way to talk about.
“Stace, I fucked up,” I blurt out. “I really need some advice.”
Stacey nods slowly, placing her wine glass down on the coffee table. “I was wondering when we were gonna get to this. What the fuck did you do this time?”
I roll my eyes. “A couple of months ago I ran into Kyle.”
Stacey frowns and then her eyes widen. “Kyle Davies? Are you serious? Oh my God, why didn’t you tell me? What happened? Hurry up and spit it out!”
I shuffle nervously. “Well, to cut a long story short, about seven weeks ago, I spent the night with him.” Stacey blinks twice, as if she doesn’t understand, so I add, “And we fucked.”
That seems to do the trick and her expression changes, looking back at me like I’m the stupidest motherfucker on the planet. Which is fair.
“Isn’t he married as well? What the hell were you thinking? Are you having an affair now? Why? Why would you do this after all these years?”
“That’s a lot of bloody questions, Stace. He’s separated now, but he wasn’t separated when we fucked. And no, I’m not havin’ an affair. I told him it was a one-time thing, and we said goodbye afterwards. And as for the why?” I rub my forehead, trying to think of a justifiable reason, but there isn’t one. “I did it because it wasKyle, and he pursued me relentlessly, and he told me he wanted another chance. He told me he still loves me.”
Stacey’s eyebrows furrow and her mouth turns down at the corners. “Bren, that’s not a reason to cheat on your husband.”
“You think I don’t know that?” I say, exasperated. “But I needed that night with him. I needed closure. We talked all night. About everythin’. And it was good to get it all out. We’re both adults now, we’ve grown, and we can see it for what it was.”
Stacey’s expression softens a little. “It’s good you talked, but you didn’t have to fuck him.”
She’s right, of course. Tears prick at my eyes. “But I wanted him,” I say quietly. “He sets me on fuckin’ fire, Stace. Same as when I was seventeen. I wanted him one more time, so I had him.”
She studies me for a while, the silence growing increasingly uncomfortable.
“Bren,” she finally says. “Do you love Chris? Are you happy with him?”
I slump back and stare up at the ceiling, trying to think honestly about it. “Until Ky came back into my life, I thought I was happy. But now, I’m not so sure. I’ve made a lot of stupid decisions over the years tryin’ to protect myself. Ky broke my heart, and I never wanted to love anyone like that again. Never wanted to give anyone the power to break me.” I lift my head and look at my sister. “I love Chris, but if I’m bein’ honest, it’s never felt like it felt with Ky.”
“Okay… Are youinlove with Kyle?”
I lean forward, putting my head in my hands. “I think I might be. I can’t stop thinkin’ about him and I miss him.” I feel like I’m unravelling. “I ache for him,” I admit. “It’s so fucked up.”
Stacey gently pulls my hands away from my face. “Brendan, look at me. If you want my advice, it doesn’t sound like you should be in this marriage right now. It sucks, but you need time alone to think about what’s right for you and what’s right for Chris, too.”
I shake my head and blink back tears. “Stace, he doesn’t deserve that. He’s a decent man and he did nothin’ wrong. How could I do that to him?”
