Page 48 of Pages of My Heart
Thomas finally lowers his chin, bottom lip trembling, and looks at Charlie for the first time. He holds Thomas’s gaze, conveying everything he can without words, praying the man he loves can see reason.
Then Thomas nods. And he steps out of the line.
Thomas
After walking home in silence, Thomas wordlessly insisting that Charlie wear his coat for the final ten blocks, they prepare dinner together and eat at the kitchen table. Charlie tries to engage him in conversation, but Thomas is caught up in his own thoughts. He knows he is being selfish, but he doesn’t know how else to survive this. Charlie thinks he’s changed his mind, but he hasn’t—he merely came home because he realizedit wasn’t the right way to do it. He’s just not sure how and when he should broach the subject again.
“You wanna hear some good news?” Charlie asks.
“Sure, let’s add to this joyous day,” he answers, smiling coldly.
“Always with the smart mouth, huh, Red?”
Thomas decides to call a truce. Lord knows, they don’t have much time left before they’ll be separated. He shouldn’t waste it being sullen and sarcastic. “What’s the good news then?” he asks with sincere interest.
“Evie’s got a bun in the oven.”
“Truly?” Genuine joy lights up inside him. “Charlie! Thatisgreat news. You’re going to be an uncle! Uncle Charlie.” He grasps Charlie’s arm and gives it a playful shake. “It’s the best. You’ll love it.”
“She wanted to tell us both, but with . . .” Charlie trails off.
“Perhaps we can visit her tomorrow? I want to congratulate her.”
“Sure, I think she’d like that.” Charlie puts his knife and fork down and pushes his plate away, his face serious once again. “You ready to talk about it now? I think we should.”
Thomas sniffs petulantly. “What exactly is there to talk about?” He unequivocally doesnotwant to discuss it.
“I gotta report to the draft board within a week, and if they don’t find nothing wrong with me, it won’t be long ’til I’m gettin’ my letter. We got a lot to talk about. I’ll need to organize Evie to collect my pay cause I won’t be able to assign it to you. It’s gotta be a family member. But I’ll instruct her on how much to give you to cover my portion of the rent and utilities.”
Thomas looks down at his half-eaten dinner and closes his eyes. He figures if Charlie insists on having this conversation, they may as well have it out now. “We have more to organize than that. I haven’t changed my mind. I only came home withyou because I realized it was wrong to just leave you a note and not talk it through first.”
When Thomas looks up, Charlie’s face is a deep shade of red, the rage radiating off him like heat from a furnace. Thomas has never once been afraid of Charlie until this very moment. Charlie doesn’t speak, so Thomas takes their dinner plates to the sink, willing his hands to stay steady. With his back to Charlie, he says, “We’re not having this argument again tonight.”
“Like fuck we aren’t!” Charlie explodes, slamming his fist down on the table.
Thomas quits the kitchen, the scrape of the kitchen chair on the floor alerting him that Charlie is following. He goes into their bedroom because all he wants to do is lie down, but Charlie has clearly reached the end of his rope, so he steels himself and turns back to face him.
“I don’t know why you can’t understand—I can’t stay here while you go! I just can’t! So Iamgoing to enlist. I’ll organize everything—my job, the house—so you won’t need to worry.”
“Thomas, I forbid it!” Charlie’s voice roars as he advances. “I fuckingforbidyou to enlist.”
Thomas stumbles back, legs banging into the frame of the bed, half frightened Charlie is going to strike him. For the first time since they met, he sees a shadow of Robert in Charlie’s face, and that truly terrifies him. Charlie has always been his rock, his anchor, and seeing him out of control feels like the ground breaking apart beneath his feet.
Charlie pushes in close and pokes Thomas hard in the chest. “You hear me, Tommy?” Charlie’s voice drops low, sounding deceptively controlled. “If you love me, you will not break my heart this way.”
There’s a standoff as they stare at each other, chests heaving, and eyes filled with unshed tears. Thomas doesn’t know how tomake Charlie understand that it’sbecauseof how much he loves him that he cannot stay behind.
Charlie breaks first and turns away, head and shoulders slumping down as if defeated. “Your mind, Tommy. You’re not . . . don’t make me fuckin’ say it.”
His heart sinks. “Say what?” he dares.
Charlie turns back around and looks him square in the eyes and hurt and shame run Thomas over at a devastating speed. He hates the confirmation that Charlie sees him this way.
Weak. Broken.
Crazy.
“Your mind ain’t strong enough.”
