Page 18 of Pages of My Heart
“We’ll find a way, Charlie. We’ll find a way.”
Chapter 10
October 18th, 1943
To my beloved Charlie,
I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but have you heard from Evie? Richard enlisted. He just came home one afternoon and told her he had already signed up. Jonathan is only 7 weeks old! What the hell was he thinking? Evie is being stoic and strong, telling me she’ll manage just fine on her own. Truthfully . . . I almost sense she is glad. Richard has already taken his leave—they’ve sent him up to Camp Grant for training—so I’ve been spending a great deal more time at Evie’s house, often visiting on my way home from work. I feed little Johnny his bottle and insist Evie take a nap, then we eat dinner together and I do the washing up afterwards. Charlie, I promise to keep this up and look after her until you’re home. You know we enjoy each other’s company and have been great friends over the years. This is the least I can do. Also, having the company stops me from wallowing in despair, and I know you will approve of that.
But as if that was not enough, Eddie has been drafted. A mere three days ago. Bridget was cavalier, of course, but today I dropped by the house unexpectedly and found her crying at the kitchen sink, hands submersed and unmoving in the dishwater. The children were playingaround back, so I led her to the kitchen table and we spoke at length. Charlie, she is so angry and afraid. I longed to tell her how I understood. It brought up all those memories of when your draft letter came and the toll it took upon us both. I hate this fucking war and what it’s doing to everyone I love.
Now to answer some of your questions . . . Yes, I did spray my last letter with my cologne, and this one too. Bring it to your handsome face and breathe it in, my love. Close your eyes and think of me. Imagine how wonderful it will feel when we are entwined again. When I can sink into you and we can become one, once more. When that day comes, I fear I’ll crush you with my need to be close. I can see us in my mind as if it’s real, me moving slowly on top of you and gazing into your beautiful blue eyes. Giving you all my love.
You asked if I ever say your name at the moment of release—of course I do, my darling! Your name is always upon my lips, just waiting to be spoken, moaned, or sighed. Charlie. Charlie. Charlie. Even writing it to paper brings me comfort. I’m truly sorry you cannot be afforded the same luxury, but know it’s enough—more than enough—to know your thoughts are always with me.
As for that disastrous double date! Oh, how I laughed when you reminded me of that night. I would have thought it obvious why I was being such a pill! Don’t you remember telling me on the night we first met you had a real soft spot for redheads? Well, my dearest, that little floozy had gorgeous red hair, and you seemed very enamored of her . . . to the point where it appeared you were ignoring the fourth person on that date—the one you were actually supposed to be paying attention to! I guess my temper got away fromme and I behaved a bit like a child. Well, you’re not the only one to be overtaken by jealousy from time to time, Charlie Miller.
Now, to serious matters. I can understand why you’d feel so conflicted about what you’re doing over there. I can feel your pain and frustration bleeding from the pages. But hear me, Charlie—you are not doing wrong by serving your country, regardless of the brutality of it. You are on the right side of this fight, defending the freedoms of our people. Yes, taking a life is a wretched thing, but you are a hero—saving us all from this evil regime that would kill us both, kill everyone like us, without a second thought. Charlie, remember that when you feel conflicted. Things are not great here, but at least we won’t be put to death like we would if Hitler ruled this country. That is worth fighting for, isn’t it? Hitler detests anyone different from himself and his ideas seem to infect the very essence of people and turn them into bottomless pools of hate.
I wish I were by your side, my love, so we could fight this war together. I should be there in the trenches with you, guarding your back in battle and soothing your soul in the dark of night. But I’m stuck here, with only my words to bring you any comfort. I fear they are not enough.
Charlie, my darling, my love—I miss you and long for your return. I love you with all my heart. I love you with all my body. I love you with all my soul. Tonight, I shall get on my knees and pray for your safe return, as I do every night before bed.
All my love,
Red xxx
Chapter 11
March 1938
Charlie
They’ve been together almost six months when Charlie caves to Thomas’s wish.
Up until now, they’ve kept their relationship secret, and separate, from every other part of their lives. When they can, they meet up at the club, where they’re free to act as they please—dance together, kiss in plain view, and yes, enjoy sexual interludes in the restroom. While there’s always the risk of the club getting raided, or someone spotting one of them coming or going, it’s still the safest place for them to be together. That is, except for the time he took to fist fighting some punk who was making unwanted advances on Tommy. Consumed by a jealous rage, Charlie had lashed out with violence, much like his father does. But in this case it had seemed worth getting thrown out for the night—Thomas taking him urgently and passionatelyafterwards in a darkened ally, their blood still running hot. It’s the only time they’ve dared penetration in a public place.
Sex is still dangerous and tricky for them, having to steal moments down at the docks or in seedy parks under the cloak of night. They keep things simple and quick by limiting themselves to using their hands or mouths. Thomas’s family still leaves town to visit their grandparents once every few months, but there is no plausible way for Thomas to excuse himself every time, so they’ve only had one other weekend together at the house since that first. Charlie had been walking a little funny after that second weekend, but his smile had lasted longer than the ache in his ass.
But now Thomas wants more for them, pushing Charlie to take more chances and be more reckless. Charlie admires how comfortable Thomas has become in his sexuality, how easy it seems for him to accept what he is and who he loves, but sometimes he fears Thomas will shout that love from the top of the Trade Building, as if it’s not a crime that would get them both locked up. Charlie, on the other hand, is still struggling, still looking over his shoulder, waiting for his father to discover the depths of his deviant ways.
He does everything he can to avoid his old man, planning his visits home carefully so he can enjoy the scarce time he has with his mother when Robert is away. Since packing up his few meager possession and moving out he’s drifted apart from his brother, Donnie, but Evie has started coming round to see him at the garage—although he suspects her motivation lies at least partly elsewhere, with a young mechanic named Richard.
After many arguments and also a fair amount of sweet-talking on Tommy’s part, Charlie has finally agreed to meet the O’Reillys and, in return, will bring Thomas home to meet his ma and sister. The hope is that after this, their investment ina series of lies will allow them to be in each other’s lives more openly. So long as no one sees through the charade, perhaps this will be a little better, allowing them to live a little freer. They have spent weeks concocting the story of how they met and became friends, because what logic is there in a college man crossing paths with a garage mechanic?
When Charlie strolls up the road, it doesn’t surprise him to see Thomas pacing up and down the front path of the O’Reilly house like he’s got ants in his pants. Thomas spots him right as he reaches the front gate, eyes lighting up with excitement as he all but bounces toward him. Damn, Charlie loves this ginger fool so much.
“I know I ain’t running late, Red, so where’s the fire?”
Charlie’s insides soften at the smile that spreads across his lover’s face, and he wishes for nothing more than to be able to walk straight into an embrace and be kissed right here on the front lawn. Squashing down resentment is second nature now, but it chips away at his heart every time he’s forced to hide how much he cares for this man, and he knows it’s the same for Tommy. Instead of doing what he’d like, he extends his hand, and they shake in formal greeting.
“No fire, Charlie. Just glad you’re finally here,” Thomas says, grazing the back of Charlie’s hand with a subtle stroke of his thumb. “My dad’s off on a bender again, and Eddie’s at work, so you’ll only meet three O’Reillys today. You ready?”
Charlie shrugs. “Ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.” Then he cautions, “Don’t slip up.”
“I won’t.” Thomas leans in and whispers, “But I wish I could kiss you. For luck.”
Charlie blushes and follows Thomas up the path, willing his skin to cool before he meets the siblings. Once inside, he reminds himself that he’s got to pretend he’snever set foot in this house before. They move through to the kitchen, where an elegant brunette is drying dishes at the sink. Of course, Charlie knows this is Bridget, having seen her photograph on the mantel over the fireplace.
