Page 63 of Pages of My Heart
“Tom, he’s been wounded. They said they’ll send him home when—” She pauses. “Ifhe survives.”
Thomas’s vision blurs and bile rises in his throat. He feels faint. “But what does that mean? What’s happened? What did the telegram say?”
“That’s all it said. We have to wait for further news.”
Thomas’s knees buckle and he drops down onto the front doorstep. He knows he must look a sight—tears on his cheeks and snot still streaming from his nose—but he doesn’t care. “Evie, what if he doesn’t make it? I can’t . . . I can’t live without him.”
Evie sits down next to him and puts a slender arm around his shoulders, pulling him in tight. “Tom, I have to—” Evie stops abruptly, seeming to muster her resolve before trying again. “I need to ask you something, and I want you to know . . . if the answer is yes, I won’t be mad. I promise. Tom, please, can you look at me?” With mounting dread Thomas slowly raises his head. When he forces himself to meet Evie’s nervous eyes, heknowsshe is about to ask the unthinkable. “Are you and my brother . . .morethan friends?”
Thomas blinks, a lifetime of conditioned panic battering his body. He wants to run, but his limbs remain unresponsive. “W–why would you ask me that?”
“Tom, I see the way you two look at each other. You’ve been inseparable for almost seven years. Neither of you has had a steady girl in all that time . . .” She takes a deep breath. “Tommy, I love you like a brother. You are family to me, and to Jonathan. You can trust me to keep your secret. I promise I’ll protect you both.”
It’s too much to hope for. Thomas’s mind rejects Evie’s acceptance even as every cell of his being craves it. “Why? Why would you do that? What you’re suggesting is—it’s vile. A sin against God.”
Evie presses a kiss to his temple. “Tom, all I know is that Charlie was unhappy his entire life until you came along. I know people say it’s wrong. And I don’t need to think about . . . about what you two . . . well, you know. But when I catch the way you are with each other when you think no one is watching, all I see is love. For the first few years . . . yeah, I was uncomfortable. It frightened me, I guess. But not now. Not anymore. Now all I see are two men I love, my brother and my best friend, who love each other and make each other happy. Who share a love stronger than any I’ve ever seen. And I’m not sure how that could ever be a sin.”
Thomas begins to cry again, nodding his head as he allows the truth to be set free. His and Charlie’s truth that they have militantly protected for seven years. It’s relief and horror all wrapped up in one, his body shaking with the recklessness of it. He wishes Charlie were here to hear his sister’s words of acceptance.
He takes Evie’s small hand in his. “We do love each other. And to us . . . it doesn’t feel wrong. Just the opposite. It feels like the most natural thing in the world. It’s so easy to love him, Evie. Easier than breathing. I won’t—fuck, I won’t be able to go on if he doesn’t make it. He—he sent a letter. I just received it today. That’s why I was already a wreck when you arrived. He told me to forget about him and find another.” His voice breaks. “Why would he do that, Evie? Why?”
“Oh, Tom . . . I’m so sorry.” Evie pulls him to her breast and he goes freely, her softness reminding him of his mother when she used to hold him as a child. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it. It’sthis stupid war! I’ve heard from other wives whose husbands have returned home . . . stories about how they’ve changed . . . how it takes time for them to resettle. Once the two of you are reunited, it’ll be fine. I’m sure of it. For now, we just need to hang on a little longer, and pray a little harder, until he comes home to us.”
“I love him so much, Evie. It’s been so hard without him . . . having no one to talk to. I feel like a whole part of me is missing.”
Evie rubs his back in slow, steady circles. “I know. And I’m sorry—I wish I’d had the courage to ask you sooner, but I was scared. But now you’ve got me to talk to until he’s back. Anytime. Okay?”
“But . . . what if he doesn’t come back?”
“We can’t think like that. We have to hope and pray for the best. Charlie is strong. Perhaps the strongest person I’ve ever known. He’ll fight to live. He’ll fight to come home to you.”
“Thank you,” he whispers, bringing his arms up to return her embrace and squeezing tight. Maybe finally with someone to lean on, he can hold it together a while longer.
Chapter 32
August 1944
Thomas
As they approach the entrance to the military hospital, Thomas begins to worry he may actually faint. He’s lightheaded and sweaty, and he cannot seem to draw a full breath into his lungs. His whole chest feels tight, like it’s locked in a vice grip. Evie clutches his arm so firmly he suspects she is incapable of standing without his support. She somehow convinced Loretta to wait a day or two before visiting Charlie so she could first see how he’s faring and better prepare her. This manipulation allows Thomas to join her today.
Evie has been his rock since the day he admitted to the true nature of his and Charlie’s relationship, and it’s changed his life. Being able to share his thoughts and feelings and fears, and to reminisce openly about his love for Charlie, has kept him going while they awaited news. And now thanks to Evie’s ingenuity, Thomas will get to see Charlie today, posing as his and Evie’s brother, since the hospital allows only immediate family to visit.
Word came only a few days ago that Charlie was finally being transferred to a local convalescent facility and would soon be allowed visitors. They know he is stable now, after nearly dyingfrom blood loss caused by two bullet wounds to the shoulder. Charlie will be honorably discharged from the hospital, having been deemed no longer fit for service. For Thomas, this is the best possible outcome. Charlie is alive, and that’s all that matters. Charlie can come home.
“Evie, can we—can we just stop for a moment?” Evie faces him, concerned etched across her face. They stand just steps outside the entrance. “What if they don’t believe I’m Donnie?” he asks for probably the tenth time that hour.
Evie takes both his hands. “Tom, they won’t question us. It’ll befine. I know you’re both keen and nervous to see him. I am too. But he must be waiting for us. Especially for you. So come on. Stiff upper lip now.”
All he can do is nod as she turns toward the door. Thomas opens it for her, and then faster than he’d like they’re telling the nurse at reception who they’re there to see. Just as Evie said, she doesn’t question them, just gives them directions to Charlie’s room. The hospital is morbidly quiet, walls and floors a cold and uninviting white. Thomas blinks away tears, his body shivering like it’s a frigid winter’s day and not the middle of August. He reminds himself for the hundredth time that he cannot kiss Charlie when he sees him. Cannot hold him or declare his love. It’s all he wants to do, but he knows it will have to wait until they’re home and behind closed doors. This will take every ounce of self-restraint he possesses.
Evie tugs on his arm as they pass an open door. “Tommy, look. There are partitions in some of the rooms to separate the patients. Perhaps we can give you some privacy?”
Thomas hears her but is incapable of answering. They’ve reached Charlie’s room and his heart does the exact opposite of what he expected, seeming to slow down, almost stopping, just the occasional heavy thud reminding him he’s still alive. He triesto swallow but finds he can’t. They step inside to find two of the four beds are empty. Closest to the door a man missing both his legs is snoring softly, and there in the fourth bed, nearest the window—
Charlie.
His face is turned away from them, but Thomas would know him anywhere. His dark hair is shaved right down, shorter even than when he shipped out, and he looks small and fragile, even in the narrow hospital bed. Thomas chokes back a sob. His darling is too thin, and his skin too pale. Charlie’s left shoulder and upper arm are heavily bandaged, and his lower arm lies across his chest, encased in a sling. Thomas is vaguely aware of Evie moving the room’s single partition as he tiptoes forward, tentatively edging around the bed. Charlie is lying so still Thomas assumes he is asleep. He hesitates, not sure if he should wake him, but then as if sensing someone near, Charlie looks up and their eyes meet for the first time in more than a year. Thomas unravels immediately, tears streaming down his cheeks before he can stop them. He’s about to fall to his knees at Charlie’s bedside when the unthinkable happens—Charlie turns his head away.
