Page 139 of Rivals
“You left me in the cold, Lachlan! Something changed when you pushed me up against that wall. I had never seen that look in your eyes. You were haunted, and it killed me to see it, Lachlan. I could feel it,” I say, roughly stabbing myself with my finger. “I gave myself to you willingly. I let you take what you needed from me, and then you left me. I can see the torture on your face when you speak to me. Am I too much for you?” The furious anger descends into tears, and I take a shaky breath as they fall. I let them, and I don’t try to hide them. I want him to see that the gaping cavern between us is killing me, too. It’s breaking my heart over and over again, and he doesn’t seem to care.
“You’re high, Revna! You’re always high! Why can’t you just stop? Why can’t you just learn to live with the pain? Your mom died, and I’m sorry, but you didn’t know her! Why are you letting her rip you apart? You are giving her power over you, and she’s not even alive to see it kill you!” I gasp, and he stands there stiffly. His jaw grinds down, and I wait angrily, wiping my tears. I’m not high enough for this, and I feel like the darkness in my veins is choking me.
“You have no idea what it feels like, Lachlan. Don’t you dare pretend that you do. You have a family. Youhavea mom and a dad that’s living and breathing. Youhavesisters. And you haven’t done a thing to see them to make sure they are ok. You just accepted it and assumed they wanted nothing to do with you. Have you ever thought that maybe it was just your dad? Maybe he’s the one that pulled them away from you? If you want to see them so bad or have a relationship with them, thenfight for them!“ I yell.
He slaps his hand on the counter, and it makes me jump. And then he bursts into silent tears. My first instinct is to run to him and hug him. We steady each other. But the only thing I can think in my chaos-riddled mind is that he doesn’t love me. “If you really love me like you say you do, then you wouldn’t have let this happen.”
He scoffs and wipes his tears roughly. “If you really lovedme, Revna, thenyouwouldn’t have let this sinkhole open between us.”
My lips roll together because there’s nothing to say. We’re both right, and we know it. There is no winning in an unwinnable situation. We were never going to get there because there was no finish line for us. I feel my heart explode, and the pieces scatter like shrapnel over my other organs, stabbing my lungs and my throat. It tears up the butterflies in my stomach and leaves them in pieces.
“Maybe…maybe this is all too much. Maybe we shouldn’t—“
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence,” Lachlan says in a watery voice. “How could you say something like that?”
“Look at us!” I yell. “We aren’t just fighting ourselves, Lachlan. We are fighting each other. I can’t do both. I don’t have it in me to do both! It’s killing me! We aren’t doing anything to help each other. We are only making it worse, and you know it.” I take a shuddered breath and look at him.
Tears are in free fall and land at his feet. “I don’t know how to help you anymore. I don’t know how to be what you need and…” he trails off.
“And still keep yourself together,” I finish for him. He nods and swipes at his nose.
“We still have a painting to do…are we done? I don’t know what to do anymore, Lachlan. I don’t have any more answers.”
“I don’t either,” he says in a raspy voice.
“So what do we do?” I ask him.
He takes the few steps separating us and gathers me into his arms. We cry for what we thought we had and what we realize may not be a future together. I don’t want to lose him, but I won’t bring him down with me. I won’t be the one that puts him in a position where he has to choose between the light and the dark.
“I don’t want to let you go, little bird.”
“I don’t want to drag you down, either. One of us needs to make it out of this.” His tears fall onto me and mix with mine. My ribcage is hanging open and raw. It feels like the demons that I’ve lived with for so long are devouring every part of my heart and soul. The little bits I had left were for Lachlan, and now they are being consumed.
I would rather push him away than watch him fade into a shadow of himself because of me. I will have nothing left when I let him go, and I fail to see the point of life. It would be much easier just to let go. Death doesn’t scare me, but this does. It feels like I’m dying a thousand times instead of just ceasing to breathe on Earth.
I sob into his arms, and his body shakes beneath my grip as we both let it out. I knew it couldn’t last. I knew that our time was temporary. “Don’t leave me right now. Just, please give me tonight. This is just a hiccup, we can get through this,” he says into my hair.
I lean back to look into his beautiful spring eyes, the color of leaves right as they bloom after winter, the verdant, unmistakable color oflife. I nod ok, but I know this isn’t a hiccup. Part of me thinks he knows it’s not, either. But I hold onto him, and he tilts my chin to press his lips to mine. I kiss him back with every bit of sorrow and agony that flows through my veins.
“I love you. I love you,” he says over and over again. He leans down and grips my thighs, fitting me to his waist as he carries me to bed. I don’t protest. I don’t tell him this could be the last time I give in. I memorize the way his body feels on mine, the taste of his lips, and the way his sad eyes look at me like I’m the most beautiful painting in the world. Unwanted tears continue to fall down my face as he moves above me. His hands caress my body like I’m the finest china, and he brings me to the height of passion over and over again while he chants ‘I love you’ like it’s going to heal something already broken. He kisses me deeply as his tongue plunders my mouth. I gasp for air between the sobs, and we move together with slow and measured thrusts. I relish the friction, his touch before he gives himself over to me and brings me to the peak.
He rests his head on my chest while I finger his soft hair. Eventually, he moves and pulls me into his chest, and we fall asleep that way with no answers and a lot of heartbreak. “I love you, Revna,” he whispers into my ear. “And no matter what happens, I always will. Nothing you say or do will ever change that.”
I love him, too. So much I would sacrifice myself if it meant it would save him. And I know that’s love. I’ve never seen it in action, but I know deep down in the darkest part of my soul, that is love.
***
Lachlan is still asleep as I tiptoe around the apartment, gather some extra clothes, and stuff them into my bag. I don’t know where this leaves us, but I do know I need to distance myself from him. Maybe then he will see I’m no good for him. My eyes are still puffy, and I feel like I have a hangover, but I just don’t care. I don’t care about anything but drag myself to work anyway. Before I leave, I watch his chest rise and fall with even breaths. I lean over and just barely kiss his lips. He hums and turns over, reaching for my side of the bed like he wants to hold me. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep the tears from falling and quietly close the door behind me.
Chapter 82
Lachlan
One Month Until the Last Round
Thedoorclickssoftlybehind Revna. The ghost of her lips is still on mine, and I wish they were still there. I feel hung over or strung out, maybe both. I don’t have any appointments scheduled today, but I wish I did. I need to move and do something; otherwise, last night will just play over and over again in my head. It felt like a goodbye. The way she held onto me made me feel like she was catching every detail of us because she may never see me again.
Does she want to break up? Did she mean that? This has to be just a rough patch, right? I heard what she said. We are both at fault here, but that doesn’t mean we give up, right? I know that I’ve been off. There was nothing I could do about it. I just woke up one day and didn’t want to get out of bed. Everything has felt so heavy and overwhelming, but I know it’s left Revna out in the dark. She’s been dealing with her crap and not able to cope well, seeing as she’s back to being high half the time.
