Page 151 of Rivals
“Oh,” I mumble. He lets go of my hand and pushes himself up against the headboard, running his hand through his hair. The agitation is evident, and I have a feeling I’m not going to like this last part.
“Yeah,” he sighs. “I’m sorry, Revna. I should have told you all of this the moment I found out. He told me he thought my, our, art projects were nice, and he said I proved myself to him, which is ridiculous. I wasn’t trying to do that at all. I would have to give everything else up in order to work for him.”
I sit up and cross my legs. “Lachlan, you can’t. It would would kill you.”
“I know, but—“ I shake my head no.
“There are no buts, Lach. It’s not worth it.”
“There is a but, Revna. It would mean that I could take care of you. It would mean we can get you all the medical help and therapy you need. It would mean I could do therapy because I know I need it, too. We could go to Italy for a month and live on a yacht while we go down the Amalfi coast. It would mean you wouldn’t have to worry about another thing in your life because it would all be paid for.”
“Whoa,” I mumble because I cannot fathom what that kind of money would look like. I’ve never thought of things like that because they were never in my grasp. I never thought they would be. “I forget you come from money.”
Lachlan chuckles with a sarcastic lilt to it. “It’s my father’s money, not mine. The trust and everything else was revoked when he learned I was going to go to school forchildish things.“ I shake my head. Lachlan isn’t just an artist. He has vision and drive, but most of all, he has persistence. If you want to be an artist of any kind, you have to learn to do the project you’re not sure about, put it out there, let it get judged, and then do it all over again.
“It’s why I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want you to want for anything, and this is a way I can do that.” He looks at me expectantly as if I’ll have an answer for him right now. I guess I do.
“I don’t want you to do that. But if you want to, then I will follow you.”
“That’s the other thing. The world of the one percent isn’t just the lap of luxury and not a care in the world. It is a lot of those things, but it’s also backhanded and morally corrupt. Everyone always has an angle. You constantly have to watch your back, and you can’t trust anyone. Yes, there’s lots of money, but there is always the fine print. It’s the people, the power.”
I lean over and reach for his hand again, holding his one in mine. “I’ve grown up and lived with very little my whole life. The clothes you carried here when I moved in? That’s all I own. It’s not because I don’t like clothes, it was just all I had. I’m not complaining. That’s just what it is. The point is, I don’t care about those things. I know people always say that, but I don’t want you to sacrifice yourself this way, so only one of us has to work. I don’t want you to sacrifice your beautiful, creative heart so we can go live on a yacht for a month. I will live in this apartment with you for the rest of my life if that’s what you want. Those other things don’t matter. What matters is that you are doing what you were born to do. And right now, you are, and so am I. We can figure out the rest. But don’t do this for me, do it because you want to.”
I play with each of his fingers while he sits with my words. I mean them. I don’t want him to do it, but I can’t make that choice for him. I won’t. He gave me the decency and the ability to maintain some level of dignity by letting me make my own choices about doing drugs. I know he didn’t like it and told me as much. But he never made me feel like I needed to give it up just to make him happy. It was to make myself happy and, in turn, him. It hurt him to see me hurting myself, and if that’s not love, I don’t know what is.
“I’m going to tell him no, even if that means I never get to see my mom or sisters again. You’re right, it’s not worth it.”
“I don’t want you to choose your family over me,” I say quietly. He is my family, but the thought of him going with them makes my heart break all over again. I wouldn’t hold it against him, though. That wouldn’t be fair.
His hand pulls from mine and clasps my cheek. The warmth of his hand seeps into me, and I close my eyes, nuzzling my face into his palm. “You are my family, Revna. That will never change. You are mine, I am yours, and that will never change. I’m choosing you because I love you.”
“But your mom and sisters, I’m sure you want to know them and have a relationship with them.” He nods and drops his hand.
“I do, but not with you as the price. You made a good point to try and fight for them anyway. I’m going to do that. I didn’t for so long because it would mean going against Dad and whatever he told them. I don’t care anymore. I’ll try to get in contact with them. If they don’t want me, that’s a different story. But you’re right, I have to try.”
“I think you would regret it if you didn’t.” He nods again.
“I do, too.” He reaches for his phone, and his thumb hovers over the screen. “I’m going to tell him where he can put his job offer.” I pin my lips together to keep from laughing. Lachlan grins at his phone as he types out the message. Then he locks it and puts it back on the dresser. “Now that that’s done, we have a competition to win.” He grips my ankle and yanks me so I’m laying back, and he drops his weight over me.
He lifts my gauze-wrapped wrists to his lips and kisses them gently. I know there will be scars there. The stitches they gave me are still holding the skin together right now. I couldn’t look at them when Lachlan changed the dressings last night. After he was done, there were tears in his eyes. I think we will always live with the reminder of what could have been. I’m so glad it wasn’t because I realized something else when he wouldn’t leave my bedside.
I’m not ready. There is a lot of life for me to live. There is a lot of healing for me to do, and there is a lot of moving on to look forward to. I want to fight to live because life is worth living, even when it feels like it’s not.
“Hey, where did you go?” Lachlan says as he kisses my nose.
“I was just thinking…” I whisper.
“About what?” he whispers back.
“I want you to come somewhere with me tonight.” He makes a face.
“Ok, you know I’ll go anywhere with you, little bird.” I smile, and he kisses me again. We’re going to be ok. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth every second of living and breathing.
Chapter 89
Revna
Lachlankeepsglancingatme as we make our way towards my apartment. I didn’t tell him where we were going because I wasn’t entirely sure how to tell him I’d been coming to NA, even though I was still actively taking drugs. Some would say it defeats the purpose. I can’t say I disagree, either. I’m itching to go to the meeting and then get back home to start painting. We finished the rough sketches and decided to just go for it and start painting. We got all our supplies, and they call us like a siren song. I missed this feeling, the excitement of creating.
