Page 153 of Rivals
“Have you told him that?”
A sarcastic laugh brushes past my lips. “No, Chris. I haven’t.”
“Why?”
“I thought I just told you.”
“Oh, you did, Revna. But all I heard was I’m letting fear make my decisions for me because I’m afraid of being loved. After everything I’ve been through, I’m still afraid of letting my gates open just enough for someone to slip through. So someone can help me in life through all the ups and downs.”
“Well, when you put it that way,” I mumble, glancing over my shoulder at Lachlan.
“You’re right. You do have a second chance at life. And you will have ups and downs with addiction, just like you do with depression. You will make mistakes. All of us do. And we always will. Humans are broken, and it doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from, or what your past looks like. You have had an experience that few have had with someone else. That is no coincidence, Revna. It just simply isn’t. If you think it is, then you are fooling yourself.”
“But what am I supposed to do, then? We have this competition to win, and Lachlan and I know we have a long road ahead.” I say, feeling like a broken record.
“You hope. You take it one day at a time. I don’t have all the answers. I’m human, too. But here is what I do know. Jesus hung out with the prostitute, Revna. He didn’t even blink. He doesn’t care who you were, He cares about who you are meant to be. The fact is that chasing the approval of others with this competition, no matter the outcome is a losing battle. But that’s the point. The battle has already been won. You don’t have to fight it anymore.”
“But it’s all I know.”
“I know. But maybe it’s time to try something new, use the second chance, and accept that whatever is meant to happen will. You and Lachlan will come out the other end and move on together.”
“All I want to do is move forward. I told Lachlan I wanted to be better for him, and I meant it. And you’re right…I’m scared.”
Chris nods his head thoughtfully. “Sometimes we just have to do things scared. Fear keeps you from where you are meant to be. People come to cities like New York with big hopes and dreams. All too often, I see it blow up in their faces because they refuse to acknowledge that they are incapable of doing it all of their own strength of mind and body. Their fear of asking for help is what makes them fail most of the time. Of course, there are exceptions, like anything in life. And I know you learned that already.” He glances at me.
“Yeah, I did,” I rasp. I learned that lesson the hard way. I should have gone to Lachlan, and I didn’t. I know that if he didn’t know what to do, he would have gone against every internal instinct, good or bad, to make sure I got the help I needed. Someone who loves you like he loves me does those kinds of things. If roles were reversed, there is no doubt in my mind I would have stopped at nothing to do the same for him.
“Well, you have the ability to do it differently this time. I have a feeling both of you are quite the perfectionist artists, aren’t you?”
“Yeah,” I whisper.
“Hey, I get it. Did you know we are hardwired to recognize beauty and glory? It captures us. So, we go after it because we want it for ourselves. The reality is that beauty, that glory, and hope is coming for you. You don’t have to chase it because it’s already been given to you. “
“I think all of this has just made my life harder.”
“Well, then tell me; when did I mention the word ‘easy’?”
I sit there for a moment, recalling his words and coming up short. Chris smirks at me, lifting his eyebrow. “Yeah, I didn’t think so.”
“You know…you’re pretty smug for a guy that works in a church.”
He shrugs. “We all have our faults, Revna. But I’m just confident in the fact that I know I never said it would be easy. God never said it would. In fact, He said it would be hard. I see that you already know that.”
“You didn’t answer my question. You just gave me more to think about.”
“Oh, I know.”
I stay quiet. Chris doesn’t seem all that helpful, which I thought was the point of all of this.
“Revna, I wish I could tell you the exact next steps to take, how to heal, or how to move on. But I can’t. What I can do is tell you to stop and listen. Let Lachlan love you the way he so desperately wants to. I think you already have, for the most part. The only reason I’m guessing that is because you brought him with you to NA and then actually spoke tonight. It’s clear to me that you love him, too.”
“I do, more than myself.”
He chuckles. “Love is funny like that, isn’t it? It makes you want to give every bit of yourself, so you see them happy.”
“It’s not something I would have considered even a year ago.”
He grins. “Well, Revna, I’d say you’re on the right track. Because that is growth, and that is healing, with a few hiccups. But healing is its own thing, isn’t it?”
