Page 65 of Rivals
The class filters in for their last day, and I finish up the lighting on one of my photos. I made them moody and intense. I didn’t make them black and white, but they almost naturally look that way. I think they are some of the best photos I’ve ever taken. Ironically, they are a subject I would have never photographed. The water droplets that fall over his muscular chest and down through his abs make the photo beautiful objectively but stunning subjectively. I’m mildly obsessed. It probably doesn’t help that I know how his body moves, down to the way his jaw tenses when he’s painting. My chest heats at the thought. I haven’t seen Lachlan for a few days, and I am a little afraid he will seek me out.
I still haven’t decided to sublet my place. I haven’t had room in my brain to think about it. The only thing I’ve thought of is that I have everything to lose and everything to gain. If I don’t sublet, then I don’t know if we’ll have the money to pay for this trip, and if I do, it will further cement Lachlan and me together. So, really, the question is, what do I want more?
***
I lay back in my bed, and it feels like the room is spinning. I’m crashing from my high, and I didn’t see Lachlan at all today. He may not have had class, I don’t know. I may or may not have been looking around every corner for him. Part of me wanted to see him, but the other part was glad I didn’t. Regardless, I’m done with college, and I can’t find it in myself to celebrate. All I can think about is the woman who birthed me. For some reason, my mother waited until her dying breath to tell me about herself. It’s as if she wanted me to go to my own grave, asking why. But I don’t know if I want her reasons. I got her letter yesterday from the law office. It came from Kansas. So, I can only assume my mother lived hundreds of miles away.
There was a day when I thought about trying to find her, but there is such a thing as chasing your own ghosts. I stopped myself because those ghosts need to be left behind instead of followed to God only knows where. Well, I guess I know where now. Kansas.
I flip the envelope over in my hands. It feels thin, like there are maybe two or three pages. As if I wasn’t worth more paper, more explanation. I’m afraid that if I open this letter, it will obliterate my world more than it already has been. I’m afraid that I won’t recover from it. I’ve carefully constructed my life in a way that I can survive. But, with graduating, I feel like I’m starting at square one. If I read this letter, it could be the closure I so fiercely need. Or, it will make me ask more questions and chase the ghost I so desperately told myself not to.
A small part of me is afraid it could mess with my ability to come up with something for Lachlan and me for the competition. I want to go to Italy. I want to see the place I’ve dreamed about. In my blissed-out stupor, I realize I’m not afraid of going. I’m afraid of Lachlan and my future coming at me from either end at top speed. I’m stuck on the road, and the collision is imminent.
A knock on the door brings me out of my panic. Maybe Joshua forgot his key. It wouldn’t be the first time. I don’t bother checking the peephole as I look at another piece of mail I didn’t see, swinging the door open. “Hey, did you forget your—“
“You didn’t check the peephole. I could be anyone, little bird.”
My eyes widen as I meet his. He takes a step through the door, and I back up, too stunned to have a response. I don’t know why I’m so shocked. It’s probably because I’m blitzed. He closes the door behind him and leans against it with a bag in his hand.
“I called the diner, and Betty told me you weren’t working. I didn’t see you around school today, so I figured you had to be here. I brought dinner for us. We’re finally done with school.”
I look between Lachlan and the bag that looks like it has Chinese food in it. The corner of his mouth is tipped up, and his eyes are soft with concern, like he wants to hold me. I can’t let him touch me otherwise, I know I’ll give in. He has a knack for ruining my resolve.
“Yeah, I guess we are. I was there, we must have missed each other.” He shrugs and sets the bag on the counter. He studies me a little longer, and I want to shrink into my hoodie. He knows what I look like when I’m high, and I know he’s not won’t like that I am.
“Why are you here, Lachlan?” He takes a step closer and dips down to meet my eyes. I avoid his gaze, looking everywhere except at him. “What are you hiding, Revna?” he asks.
“Now, who’s the one avoiding questions?” I mumble.
“Have you thought about my proposal?”
I scoff and chance a look at him. “Is this a business deal now?” He catches my chin before I have the chance to look away again.
“No, Revna. It is what we have to do to go to Italy.”
“I told you we can use the money I earned from the sale.”
“And I told you that we aren’t going to use it,” he says sternly. My heart thuds in my chest. My room is the only place I can shut everything and everyone out—my last line of defense.
“Why do you want me with you so badly?” I ask. It’s the one question I don’t have an answer to. One that I don’t understand other than to save money. It’s entirely valid, but it’s still not good enough.
He takes a deep breath and turns to unpack the food he brought. “Why does it feel like you’re hiding from everything? Betty told me something crawled up your butt and died. Her words, not mine.”
I sigh. “It’s weird that you think I need to tell you anything.”
“Well, if that’s not a yes, I don’t know what is,” he says and flicks a look at me over his shoulder. “Is it because school is over and Italy is getting closer and closer? That we don’t have the money to pay for all of it? Do you have a passport?” he asks me.
My eyes burn with his litany of questions, and I know I can’t do what he is asking of me and leave it at that. “I don’t want to sublet Lachlan. I’ll stay here, work extra shifts, and we will get the money together,” I say to his back.
He starts opening the few drawers and cabinets in the kitchen, pulling a couple of forks out, and opens the boxes of food with orange chicken, dumplings, egg rolls, and teriyaki chicken.
“Where’s the Kung Pao chicken?” I ask him.
He scoffs and takes a bite of the orange chicken while he holds the box. “I didn’t know I was taking orders.”
“That’s news to me, too,” I say to him and grab an egg roll.
“Fine,” he says, chewing while he looks at me.
