Page 76 of Rivals
When I burst through my apartment door, I find Joshua sitting on the couch watching TV. I lock it behind me and take a deep breath. “Are you alright, Revna? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
My heart is pounding in my ears as I try to catch my breath. I force a small smile, and he looks at me with concern. I escape to my bedroom before he can say a word about it. Joshua and I have been roommates for years. We’re friends, but we don’t share. I hardly ever see him since he got into his Ph.D. program a year ago. He’s always been kind to me, and I’m thankful for that. He’s even kicked in extra money when I couldn’t make my part of our rent.
I kick my shoes off and strip off my messy clothes. Then I slide under the covers and promptly burst into tears. I cry for myself, the pain in my chest that I’m afraid to let anyone see. I cry for Lachlan and how things have ended up this way.
I’m dragging him down, just like I thought I would. I’ve been drowning for a long time now, and the moment I was able to breathe was when he tore into my life. And now? Now I don’t know what to do. If I tell him everything, I will surely tie him to the block of ice that is my heart because I’m standing on the cliff, but it’s about to pull both of us over. And there is nothing I can do about it.
But there is one thing I can do. I reach for the letter between two books and rip it open.
Chapter 47
Lachlan
Ifollowedherhome.She kept checking over her shoulder like she could feel me. I don’t know if she saw me, but I could see the fear in her panicked footsteps. I watched her open the door to her building and disappear behind it.
I feel like a total creep because I’ve been standing outside her building since she went inside. I could go up there, and we could just lay it all out, but I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know how else to get her to understand that I am not like the people from her past. I am not going to leave her if the going gets tough. It’s already tough, and I’m still here.
I hoped that if we created something together and she finally understood that I was not going anywhere, she would have moved in with me. Even if it’s temporary, it would have worked out. We could talk it out. I’d even go over to her place to talk to Joshua. Though I still stand by my statement, I don’t think he will care because he’s hardly there. He seems like a nice guy. I’m sure he will understand.
Her light flips on and I stare at the window for fifteen minutes. I check my phone, hoping she will text or call. I know better, but part of me hopes she will get it, that something will click. It didn’t. So I take one more look at her window and walk away. I gave her time to come to me. I gave her space like she asked, and it backfired. I tried to get in her face and make her understand because she’s so stubborn, but that didn’t work either.
The window for getting plane tickets to Italy before they shoot up in price is getting smaller and smaller, but she doesn’t seem to care. I wish I understood why. I don’t think she’s lying to me about wanting to go. There is more to this. Regardless, I need to accept that she isn’t going to tell me. And for some reason, that hurts. It hurts like a bullet to the heart, and just like that bullet, Revna may be fatal.
I wander around the dimly lit streets. Most buildings are residential, with the odd restaurant or coffee shop between them. I came up to a church with distinct gothic architecture, similar to St. Patrick’s Cathedral. The arches come to points, and there are gargoyles in the pitches. There’s a cross and stained glass that sits above the large doors. It’s a beautiful church. When I look at it, all I can see is Revna because she likes Gothic architecture. I see her in everything because she has become my everything.
I swallow thickly, knowing I need to turn around and hightail it back to her apartment. A weird fluttery feeling increases in my chest, and my fast walk turns to a run. I was only a few blocks away, so it didn’t take long to get back to her. I run up the steps and start pounding on her door.
I’m surprised again when Joshua answers the door. “Hey man, is Revna ok? Why are you out of breath?”
“Hey, uh, we had a fight, I guess.” He steps back in front of me to block my path.
“I’m not letting you in here unless Revna says it’s ok. Stay there,” he says and slams the door in my face. The lock clicks, and I try to catch my breath while I wait.Please, Revna. Please tell him it’s ok. I messed up, please let me tell you that.
The door swings open, and Joshua steps to the side, giving me a look. I go around him and take the three steps to Revna’s door. She’s curled up in bed, her eyes are red and swollen, and my heart just about flops out of my chest. It’s been through so much in such a short amount of time.
Seeing her like this makes my eyes burn, and I try to swallow it away. I kick off my shoes and step up to her bed. “I’m sorry, baby.” She takes a breath like she’s trying to stop crying. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. But, Revna, it’s scaring me. I’m pissed, but I’m more concerned about you. I just want you to be ok.”
She bursts into tears again, and it’s like she’s trying to disappear into herself as she burrows further into her covers. I take tentative steps to her bed, waiting for her to scream at me or tell me to leave. I’m sure Joshua would probably beat me to a pulp, and I’d deserve every hit.
I pull the covers back and slip in beside her on the narrow bed. She doesn’t hesitate and burrows herself into my chest and sobs. I hope everything is coming out and it’s not a bad trip. I couldn’t bring myself to ask or look too closely while we were on our date. But I hope she’s not high right now. Otherwise, I’m afraid none of this will stick, and I need it to mean something. I need her to understand.Please don’t be high.I grab her chin and force her eyes to mine. They are watery and swollen but clear. She doesn’t have that half-baked look on her face she usually has when she’s blitzed.
I let go and hold her while her whole body shakes in my arms. I hate that we keep coming back to this. “Revna, please. Please talk to me. Whatever it is, let me help you.” She cries harder, and I wish I could just find my way into her brain and see what’s tearing her apart. I would try to piece it all together and find a way for her to breathe.
She takes a long deep breath and relaxes her head onto my chest. I kiss her hair and wait, hoping we are at the point where she will finally give in. She will finally give me the chance to be closer to her, to let me past the walls she has been fighting to keep me behind.
“It’s about my mom,” she says so quietly I barely hear her.
“What do you mean?” I pause, thinking about my question very carefully. “Did you meet her?” I ask. She shakes her head. “Did she contact you?” Revna shakes her head again. “Then what is it? I don’t understand.”
“She’s dead.” Revna starts crying again, and all I can do to console her is hold her. I don’t know what else to do. This isn’t something I can make better.
We lay there for a while, and I feel like I need to say something. I would give her whatever she needs if she just told me what it is, and it kills me that I can’t do it. She takes a deep breath and tilts her head up. “My mom died,” she says again. “I never got to meet her. I always wondered what I would do and what I would say. Would I scream at her? Hit her? Would I just freeze? I’ll never get that chance now.” Her eyes get teary again and I wipe it away with my thumb.
“This may be a stupid thing to say. I’m sorry, but did you want to know her?” She stiffens, and I mentally slap myself for saying something stupid. But it’s a valid question.
“I didn’t,” she says. I can sense the guilt in her tone.
“How did you find out then?” I ask.
