Page 50 of Fighting For Light
Cordelia moans and leans her head up against the tub. “Oh look, you stayed.”
“Smartass.”
“Dumbass,” she volleys back.
Need rises hot and fast through my body as I look at her shoulders and the tops of her breasts because that’s all I can see in the milky water. Her cheeks turn pink, and she sinks a little lower. “This isn’t how I used to be,” she says quietly.
“What?” I ask her, not sure what she means.
“Pregnancy changes your body and…I didn’t use to look like this.”
I blink a few times, processing her words slowly. “You’re beautiful, Cordelia,” I tell her and leave it at that. She’s quiet, playing with the flowers floating in the water. I rise to leave her in peace, and her wet hand grabs mine before I can take a step.
“Thank you,” she says.
“No problem,” I say, and she purses her lips like she wants to say something, but she doesn’t know how. “Just say it, gem.”
“I don’t know how to ask…” her words trail off. A slimy feeling rolls through my gut. I figured she would have asked the harder questions after I gave her the abbreviated version of my early life, but she didn’t. She accepted me as is and saidI love you, and that means everything to me.
I give her a look, and she pouts her lips. “Please sit,” she says.
I relent and sit down next to the tub. She doesn’t let go of my hand as she leans to the side and looks me in the eye. “Have you killed people?” she asks. I wince because it feels like a punch to the gut.
“I’m not proud of the things I’ve done, that I’ve had to do to keep my family safe.”
“Is that a yes?” she asks. I run my other hand through my short hair several times and look her in the eye.
“Yes,” I tell her sternly. I don’t want to scare her, but she probably should be, not because of something I could do but because of the man I have to become to do those things. She hasonly seen pieces of that side of me, the one that I keep locked away until he needs to be in control. I sound insane.
“I’m sure you had your reasons,” she says quietly, still holding onto my hand. I want to respond, but that is a discussion for another time. I stand and walk out of the bathroom, needing to breathe fresher air to make the sourness of guilt sink back down to my stomach.
There is a balcony off to the side overlooking the dark ocean and the bright lights of Miami below. The warm breeze fills my nose, and the smell of the ocean seeps into my lungs, calming me. I don’t want to do these things, none of us do, but when someone is born into a war, they had no hand in starting; they have to prepare to finish it. That’s what we decided long ago, knowing our father was never going to gain enough power. He was either going to get us killed because he made the wrong enemy or because we no longer were useful to him. Loose ends must be severed. I’ve asked myself that question for the better part of my life. Would my father kill his family if we no longer suit his interests?
I’ve rolled it around in my head over and over again. My answer is almost always yes.
25
Kai
I get ready forbed and return to the balcony to look at the black ocean. “Kai,” Cordi calls for me, and I hop out of my seat and rush into the bathroom.
“Yeah? Are you okay?” I ask her. She’s still in the tub, sitting up with an arm on either side of the edge.
She smiles. “You’re always so worried about me. I’m fine. I don’t want to slip.”
“Makes sense,” I tell her, grabbing a towel before holding out my hand. She takes it and starts to lift herself. My fear of her hurting herself by trying to get out of this slippery tub wins as I scoop my arms under her, lifting her out of the tub. She squeaks, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck. Water drips off her body and down my bare chest, pooling at my feet.
“Kai, I’m heavy. Don’t drop me,” she says quickly, looking at the floor and trying to put a foot down.
I hold her steady and look her in the eye. “You’re not heavy, baby, and if for some reason you don’t believe me, I’ll prove it to you one day.” She inhales sharply with wide eyes, and her hand twitches on my neck. I’m so aware of every part of her skintouching mine. I want to carry her to bed and taste it, to taste her.
“Why not now,” she whispers.
I bite my lip, swallowing the groan building in the back of my throat. “Because you need a good night’s rest.” I carry her to the rug by the vanity and set her gently on her feet. Then I retrieve the towel and dry her off. I don’t know why I do it. I’ve never done something like this before. My need to care for her in every way possible is so consuming it feels like barbed wire around my heart, but I love bleeding for her.
“You really don’t need to do that,” she says, trying to grab the towel from me. Her chest tinges pink as she avoids eye contact. I drop to my knee and keep drying her off, leg by leg. She’s radiant, and it’s hard for me to focus on doing my job right now when all I want to do is stare. Her belly has seemed to grow a little bigger overnight, and I keep finding myself overwhelmed by it all. My brain can’t comprehend that she’s growing another human in there. I lean forward and press my lips on her skin as she grabs my hair. This time, I can’t swallow the groan, and I let my lips linger there. She smells like honey and lavender. My eyes burn with unshed tears, and I blink it away before standing.
I wrap the soft robe hanging on the hook around her, and she ties the knot before grabbing her toothbrush. “Thank you,” she says. I nod, looking into her blue eyes through the mirror. I can see something stirring in them, but I leave her to it and walk out of the bathroom. I sit on the edge of the bed, lean over, and run my fingers through my hair. I have never been devastated by someone. She brings me to my knees and doesn’t even realize it. A moment later, she saunters out in her robe, and I stand to leave her in peace.
