Page 96 of Fighting For Light
I nod. “You’re a good mother, Cordi. It’s hard, but you’re right. It’s a good idea to have…an alternate space.”
“It’s only a backup,” she says.
I wince at the thought, and she reaches for the instructions.
“Let’s put this crib together.”
And just like that, I have to consider the possibility of leaving this kid either motherless, fatherless or an orphan. Yet, I can’t find it in myself to regret any of it. I don’t know what kind of man that makes me, let alone what kind of father.
42
Cordelia
I thought our twoweeks off would have been restful and a way for Kai and me to connect on another level. Instead, it was full of harsh realities and good sex. Balance, right?
We arrive in Las Vegas for the championship. It’s time to put everything on the line with the last race and a freestyle competition to close out the season and take the titles for the fourth year in a row. But I’ve had a bad feeling since we left home in California, and it’s followed me all the way here. I take a deep breath and roll the window down. Lights and sounds invade my senses with a rush as if you’re walking through a doorway into a new world. I watch the street performers dancing and playing their instruments while show girls in their large feathers strut past the tourists.
The truck comes to a stop at the light, and I smile at the girl’s bachelorette party, having a great time and dressed up like a group of grandmas. One of them is wearing a sash that says bride to be in shiny letters. They have cute white and grey hair wigs, canes, and walkers. Part of me wishes I had girlfriends to do thatwith. Kai didn’t have the opportunity, either. We happened so quickly, and neither of us bothered looking back.
Maybe we should have looked back before we jumped off the cliff.
I stand by what I said to him: I love him. I don’t regret him. Though I do feel like I’ve kept him from doing what he needs to do. With another wedding in the future, it’s bringing all of those feelings I had to simply get over right back.
When we arrive at the performers’ campground, Kai sets up the trailer before disappearing into his garage. I’m sure going on a ride would help him feel better, but he said he didn’t want to tempt fate. Now, with all the high emotions and intense realities, I feel like I’m keeping him from being able to work through it.
I try to distract myself by setting things up for the beginning of next season, but nothing works. The door opens to the trailer, and Kai sighs, closing it behind him.
“Alright, out with it, you’ve been way too quiet. What’s on your mind?” he asks.
KAI
She looks at me, then back at her computer.
I step over to the little table and push the laptop closed. Something is clearly bothering her, and I have a feeling it’s the difficult realities of the unknown.
“Cordelia,” I coax.
I know she said she still loves me, but can you still love someone and not want to be with them anymore? Can you still love someone and let them go in order to protect someone else, like this baby? Is she having second thoughts?
“You’ve had to give up things for me that you shouldn’t have had to give up. You’ve had to change your entire life to accommodate me. What have I done to you? I should’ve never let you marry me. I’ve pulled all your focus from your family, and that’s not fair. I saw the fear in your eyes when Liam called you the other day. I’m making all of this worse.” She sniffs.
“Where is this coming from?” I ask her.
She shrugs and wipes her nose.
I smile and walk around to her side of the table, placing my palms on her cheeks. “You’ve got it all wrong, gem. You’re mine now. This baby is mine,ours. We are a family, for better or worse. A family sticks together, or we have nothing left. This isit. We’ve waited so long for this. I would die before I let you go again. This is forever. There is no going back. Ican’tgo back. You’ve made everything better. All of this worth it.“ My chest is splitting because I mean every word. It hurts to breathe at the mere thought of her leaving me.
She nods in my grasp, and tears spill out of her beautiful eyes.
“We need to stick together, please,” I beg her.
Her lips part, and then they close. I lean my head against hers.
“Baby, talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”
“What if sticking together is more dangerous? Remember when your mom said,…she said that I need to prepare myself to do whatever it takes?”
I nod and lean back.
