Page 97 of Fighting For Light
She takes a stuttered inhale. “What if whatever it takes is us not being together? Not because I don’t love you. I do, more than anything, but it’s not just you and me. I trust you, Kai. That’s not what this is about. But if what Liam is saying is true? Then, there is no way we can prepare for the worst. You can do a lot of things, daredevil, but you can’t see into the future.”
“No.” My throat tightens, and panic creeps up on me.
“What do you mean no?”
“I mean, I’m not letting you go. Fear does not get to make the decisions here,” I say sternly.
Needing a second, I take a deep breath and lean against the counter. I understand what she’s saying, but it doesn’t make it easier to swallow. I huff and whip my baseball cap off my head.
“Do you blame me for feeling this way?” she asks.
I rub my chin back and forth. “No, Cordelia, I don’t. But I don’t want you to regret…us,” I rasp. It hurts to say the words. “I told you before, and I’ll tell you again. I don’t regret the moment I told your dad that I got you pregnant and I would marry you. You make everything better. I saw my chance, took it, and don’t regret it. I’m glad I did it.”
“I’m glad you did, too, I am. But it does not negate the fact that I may have put my son in danger. I thought I understood it. I thought that we would be okay. Now, I’m not so sure, and I hate myself for feeling this way. I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.” She stands from her chair, and I watch her climb the two steps into our bedroom, and a tide of anger and sadness rolls through me. Her reasoning is entirely valid, and if I put myself in her shoes, I probably would have taken off. So maybe what we are doing is reckless. Maybe we are putting our feelings before logic. But for the first time in my life, I made a decision for myself, however selfish it might be. I did it for me; I did it for us.
Our first kiss branded my soul. It left me no room to debate if what I felt for Cordelia was wrong or selfish. It sealed the promise in my heart that this woman wasmine. My best friend is the love of my life.
I pushed her away and told her no because I didn’t want to put her in the very position she is in now. But I will not let my father and the mob affect my marriage. He has taken too much from my family, down to the minimal sanity we all are able to cling to. I refuse to let him take her, too.
I drag my sorry ass to bed, and she’s already turned on her side, as far away from mine as she can get. I carefully get under the sheets, hoping I don’t wake her, but sleep never comes. My eyes won’t shut, and my mind won’t stop running. Cordelia and I have had a long-distance friendship since we met. It was unaffected by time. Now, I’ve married her, and she’s lying right next to me, yet I have never felt further apart. I have no idea how to fix it. I’m not sure it can be fixed. It makes something in my chest sink, but it also fills me with resolve. We will figure out what my dad is up to. I will earn that smile back.
43
Kai
It’s the day ofthe championship. This is our time to solidify our place on top to close the season out. My mind isn’t as scrambled today as it was last night. I was able to get my head straight for the race earlier today, and we all placed in the top four. Then we had to go straight into freestyle. It doesn’t happen often to have two back-to-back like this, but this is a city that runs on entertainment. It doesn’t matter if I’m tired.
Cordi has stood off to the side for most of the night, giving me space, or maybe she’s giving herself space from me. I glance at her before stooping down to check my chain and rear sprocket. When I stand, she’s not there, and I spin around looking for her. She’s standing not even five feet from me, and I release a breath.You are off your game, buddy.
“Are you doing okay?” she asks. I nod and hesitate to touch her. It feels like there are miles between us.
She decides for me and steps into my chest, resting her cheek on my heart. Her arms come around my waist, and it pulls barbs out of my lungs, letting me breathe a little easier. “I’m better now,” I rasp and kiss the top of her head.
“I love you. You’re going to do great tonight, okay?” I nod and rub her back. My hand goes up and down my number on her back. I like that she wants to wear my jersey, although I almost told her not to tonight purely out of an abundance of caution.
“Thanks, gem,” I kiss the top of her head. She nods against me and takes a step back. I grab her hand before she steps away, lifting her knuckles to my lips. She smiles softly, and I wink, letting her go.
“Go get ’em, daredevil.” Then she saunters off with her dad. Before we go out to warm up, I take a pee break and then get to it.
I’m called up and stare at Cordi with her hands on her camera, holding it up, ready to take a shot. I pull my eyes away from her and take a deep breath, ready for my first jump. There are days like today when I’m glad for a helmet because I have to put extra work into clearing my mind to drown out all the other sounds and distractions. I envision the speed of the bike, the exact place I’m going to leap into the air, then I cut it off and let muscle memory do the rest.
In a breath, I’m landing on the other side, finishing acordovaand hitting the brakes until I catch speed again, coming in at a curve and leap again into abundy, one of the most complicated tricks in freestyle. No thoughts, only movement. My mind is blissfully silent, and I’m free. Then, right as I come back onto the bike to land, something is wrong. My brake doesn’t squeeze like it’s supposed to. It doesn’t have the familiar tension it always does.
My brakes aren’t working.
As I land, I’m going to have to either turn or lay the bike on its side to slow down. I’ll lose points, and it will set us back majorly, taking away the title. My back tire hits the dirt, and instead of hitting the brakes that I know aren’t going to work, I finish the landing and hit the gas, fishtailing in the process,trying to control the bike into another turn that this jump wasn’t meant for and lose speed. I’ve landed properly. That’s where the judging and the point system end. Hopefully, they will assume I’m being boastful for my last jump instead of trying to figure out how not to die.
There is no way for me not to hurt myself to stop this bike that no longer has brakes and has a ton of momentum. I can’t ride in a circle until the bike slows to a stop because there is no direct circle without obstacles. There is another jump, a ramp, or a wall. I have to pick. The daredevil takes over, and I throttle up another ramp and do a jump, anyway. I land, and because this landing jump isn’t so steep, I flip the bike on its side. Pain shoots up my hip, and I feel a crack somewhere. I slide, kicking up dirt all over, and let the bike slide faster and further from me instead of getting in the way of it crushing me. There’s a dip in the dirt I didn’t see before. I’m thrown into it and roll down the hill, hitting the protective wall with a grunt. Thank God for helmets.
I lay there, trying to get my bearings as adrenaline pumps through my veins. I can’t feel a thing. I’m able to take a full breath, so that’s good. Eventually, I lift myself up with my arms. My boots probably saved my ankles and feet. I lift one leg, then the other. As I stand, a bullet of pain shoots through my side and hip. I might be able to breathe, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t just break a rib.
By the time I’m on my feet, the paramedic team is looking at me and asking if I’m okay. My helmet is still on, so everything is muffled. My wife runs as fast as she can towards me across the dirt with her dad, and there’s nothing but fear in her eyes.
I’m able to get my helmet off, and the paramedics keep asking me questions. But the pounding in my heart and the blood rushing in my ears muffles all the sounds. All I can focus on is Cordelia throwing herself into my arms. I grunt in pain and stumble back, which makes her sob more.
“I’m okay, I’ll live. It’s okay, baby.”
Cordelia sobs, completely beside herself.
