Page 130 of Fighting For Light
“You are one in a million, Cordelia Coldwell,” I murmur against her smiling lips.
59
Cordelia
TWO MONTHS LATER
We’ve been parents fortwo months, and they have been the hardest and most wonderful months of my life. Single parents deserve a lot of credit because I genuinely question if I would have been able to do it. I mean, you do what you have to, whatever it takes for the ones you love, so I would have figured it out. But without Kai, it wouldn’t have been this…blissful.
Every time Theo wakes up crying, Kai jumps out of bed and either soothes him back to sleep or brings him to me to feed him. There have been a couple of nights where Kai is bone tired, so I have to tell him multiple times that I can do it. Without fail, though, he usually comes in a little later to check on us while I’m half asleep, holding him in the rocking chair. It’s something special to have your best friend with you at a time like this, too. I don’t believe luck had anything to do with it.
I swipe the steam off the mirror and brush my hair. Kai said he would take care of Theo, and I should have some me time. I took a long shower and feel like a real person again. It also felt good to put on jeans that I used to wear, and they mostly fit. I almostkept them on, then thought better of it and put on yoga pants. The point here is I can wear the jeans, not that I need to wear the jeans.
I take my time braiding my hair and cleaning our room, which looks like it exploded. We try to keep the house clean, but I did not expect this amount of mess with a two-month-old baby. After finishing picking up our room, I check Theo’s room. They aren’t in there, so I go downstairs to find Kai outside with Theo, walking around the yard. His forearm and large hand lay across Theo’s back securely as Kai cuts overgrown daisies from the yard. I stare at them from the sliding door window, and his mouth moves like he’s talking to Theo, as he cuts one flower at a time. My heart swells at the sight, and it makes me tear up.
One day, I asked Kai why he didn’t use the baby holder to wrap Theo against his chest so he could have both hands. Kai said, “I don’t want a carrier to hold him. I want to hold him.” Then he kissed Theo and then kissed me as I melted on the floor. His love for Theo, regardless of how Theo came about, makes me love him more and more every day.
I leave them to it and start cooking chicken, Alfredo. What we have made for two months straight is pitiful.
By the time I’ve got the sauce cooking and the chicken done, Kai and Theo come in from the backyard with a bouquet of daisies. “Look at that, Theo. Mama is here, and you can give her the flowers you picked for her,” he says, looking down at our son, whose eyes bounce all over the room. Theo’s shirt is drowning in drool, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
I reach for Theo, and Kai gently hands him to me. I kiss his chubby cheek and say, “Thank you for the flowers, little man. They are beautiful.” He babbles, and I take that as ayou’re welcome. Overall, we’ve been lucky with Theo. He cries and gets fussy, but he either wants to be held or fed. One day, I couldn’tget him to stop crying, so Kai took him, and he immediately stopped. I guess he’s a Daddy’s boy.
Kai puts the flowers in a pitcher he found in the cabinet and fills it with water, placing the flowers in it.
“Thank you for getting those,” I tell him.
The corner of his mouth tips up, and he puts them on the island in the center.
I go back to stirring the sauce for dinner, and Kai comes up behind me to look over my shoulder. “Mmm, is that chicken Alfredo?”
I nod, grabbing the chicken and placing each one into the sauce.
“I can take him, gem,” Kai says, reaching for Theo.
“You’re such a baby hog,” I joke and kiss Theo’s head.
Kai places one hand on my hip and the other on Theo’s head, rubbing the dark, fine hair there. Theo leans back, looking up at his father, and a little smile grows on his face.
“Hi, baby boy,” he coos. Usually, I would push Kai off of me because I’m clearly busy, but there are little moments in life that you will find yourself thinking about all the time, and I just added this one to the list. “Looks good,” he says, kissing my cheek before walking away. My back suddenly feels cold, and as ridiculous as it is, I wish he had stayed there.
I put Theo in his baby rocker while Kai and I eat. He eventually falls asleep watching us.
“The season starts again in roughly a month, and I will need to do some heavy practicing. Are you sure you don’t want to stay here? I mean, I don’t like it, but if you think that’s what’s best for him, then we can figure it out.”
I finish chewing my food and dab my mouth. “No, Kai. I want to be with you. I want Theo to be with his dad, I just…” My words trail off because I’m afraid to say them. I don’t want to, butsaying those scary thoughts out into the world feels like it will give them power.
“Gem,” Kai sighs. It’s not chastising, it’s full of concern and maybe a tinge of irritation.
“I don’t want to be apart from you for a litany of reasons. It’s not just about safety. I don’t want to be halfway across the country if…”
“If something happens to either of us?” Kai finishes my sentence for me.
I nod. He winces but quickly hides it.
He leans back, runs his hand through his hair, and looks out the window. We’re both silent, lost in our own thoughts. I loved being around him even before Kai and I finally got together. He’s my best friend first. Iwantto be around him.
“I’ll miss you too much,” I whisper.
