Page 143 of A Curse On Black Lake
Killian comes into the kitchen, and slides his arms around my waist, hugging me from behind, and kisses my temple.
“Mornin’ darlin’,” he says in my ear.
“Morning,” I mumble into my coffee, fighting the way my body comes alive when he touches me.
He tenses against me, but I stay still as he steps away and reaches around me to grab a mug.
I can feel his eyes all over me, but I refuse to make eye contact. I don’t know why.
No, I’m lying to myself. Idoknow why. I’m afraid of what I’ll see. I’m afraid I’ll see the one thing I’m not prepared to handle,let alone lose. Yet, I so ardently want to let him comfort me, let him be the man he has been for me and promises to be.
“We need to move one of the herds today, and we can put the goats out for the day in the pasture close to us,” he says.
“I’m sure they’ll love that.”
“Eliana,” he calls.
My skin prickles, and I hate how I love the way he says my name.
I hum, still staring at my coffee like it has all the answers I need.
“Baby, look at me,” he says.
I know I’ll melt the moment those brown eyes touch my own. But I do it anyway.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“Nothing,” I mumble.
“Is it the garden beds? Because I could feel you freeze up. I scared you, and after I thought about it. I get it, but there’s no pressure. I was only trying to help.”
“I know,” I whisper.
“Then why are you acting like this?” he asks.
I can hear the frustration in his voice, and I don’t blame him. I’m frustrated too. Not with him, but with myself. My intention was never to gain feelings for Killian, but I have, and I can’t deny it. But that doesn’t mean I need to fully act on them.
My dear child, you have acted on them plenty. If you do not want to be with him, then you need to tell him. Though we do believe that is a mistake. What is between you has already been written.
I look away from Killian, silently angry at the Spirits.
In my gut, I know they’re right, but it doesn’t change the emotional facts. We’ve both been grieving, and will continue to do so. I don’t want anything that grows between us to be because of the grief. For the first time in my life, I admit that I needsomeone forme,not because of who I’ve become or what I’ve been through. Someone who choosesme.
Has Killian given you any reason to believe he’s anything but the man he has shown you to be?
I pin my lips together so I don’t answer them out loud.
“Eliana,” Killian says again.
“I’m nervous. I’m scared. I’m overwhelmed, Killian, and I don’t know what to do with all of it. And I want to be careful.”
“Careful with what?” he asks.
“You,” I whisper.
“Me?” he says, taken aback.
I nod and take a gulp of hot coffee.
