Page 92 of A Curse On Black Lake
His hand pauses on my back, and I regard him. “You don’t have to feel guilty if you don’t think about her for a few minutes of the day. Based on what I’ve learned about her, she would want you to be happy, Eliana. She wouldn’t want you to feel guilty for living. I learned that the hard way,” he says.
“I know she’s happier. She’s in a better place. I know that, but it still feels like I’m being stabbed in the heart with every beat,” I tell him.
Killian moves his hand to my face, cupping my cheek, and leans in.
I dodged him last night, and if I kissed him, it would send too many mixed signals, mainly to me. That’s not fair to either of us. But I wonder what it would be like to be all of his, for him to be all of mine. I’ve never had that before.
He lifts up and presses his lips tenderly to my forehead, lingering as if he’s telling himself it will be all he ever gets. Then he kisses each cheek, melting my stone walls from the inside out.
My eyes burn again, tears threaten, and the ache radiating from him sinks into me, compounding on top of the guilt, the sadness, the loneliness, the anger, thefear.I don’t want to be scared about what’s happening around us, but I am. I’ve had to fake bravery for most of my life, ignoring everyone who has alienated me out of fear because they refused to get to know me. It’s becoming too much for a human to bear.
So lay it down, child.
I pin my lips together. I can’t break this moment.
He pulls away and rests his forehead on mine. “One day at a time. Then that day will turn into a week. Those weeks turn into months. I wish I could say it got easier. But it hasn’t for me, but the pain changes.”
“It’s all too much, Killian,” I whisper.
“I know,” he sighs.
“One day, maybe it will become an ache you can live with, you know? It will always be there, but it becomes almost bearable.”
“Why do you care?” I rasp over the sand in my throat.
His chest rises and falls deeply while my heart feels like it’s beating too hard. Not many people have ever cared about me. So why him? Why now? Is it because we were pulled together by outside circumstances that neither of us could control?
“I know…” he trails off trying to come up with words. “You said you were meant to find me. I didn’t believe it at first, but I do now. For me, there is no other option. We will get through this. All of it. Okay?” he asks, searching my eyes.
I nod against him, and he wraps me up in his arms again.
My soul sighs, content to be held in his protective arms.
It loosens a knot in my heart, one that’s been there for a while, long before Grams died.
Chapter thirty-three
Eliana
Bythetimewegot out of bed and dressed, we ended up way behind schedule, but I have to admit it was nice to …be. It was surprising how quiet the Spirits were while Killian held me. They became a whispering background noise. It makes me want to crawl in his bed every night to have that kind of relief. But that’s not fair to Killian, or me because he is someone I could get used to.
When I make it downstairs, Killian is sitting at the table writing. My stomach growls, and I head to the fridge to start breakfast.
“I’ll help you in a second,” he grunts.
“What are you writing?” I ask him.
“I’m at a point where it’s hard to keep everything straight in my head. It doesn’t help that I feel like I’m missing a key detail in this murder investigation. Nothing adds up. This was part of my process when I was a Captain.”
“Do you think Wyatt is cooking something up?” I ask him, pouring coffee into my mug.
His tongue worries his bottom lip as he writes, wholly focused on his paper.
Hot coffee burns my skin. I curse, setting the cup on the counter, and run my hand under cold water.
He chuckles. “I’m not sure,” he says.
I wipe up my mess and have to take little sips from my mug so it doesn’t spill again.
