Page 55 of Dirty Roulette
Chapter nineteen
Payton
The movieBeetlejuiceplays on my computer, and I don’t think I’ve watched five minutes of it. It’s been seven days of purgatory with my head hanging from a pillory.
Hanging out with Ryder has never settled in my brain like it was a biological need before, but now the ache to be smothered by him is overwhelming. We've texted here and there but I haven't gotten the courage to ask if I did something wrong. I’ve sat there typing out messages, but end up deleting them and waiting for the three little bouncing dots to appear, hoping he'll invite me to hang out. But nothing. Zero is the number of times we've chilled since he buried his head between my legs. We hung out almost every day for the past three weeks, and I’m stuck with wondering where I went wrong.
After Charlie came storming up to me about the hickey, it’s like he’s taken a step back. It’s left me with an uninvited feeling that I’m not sure what to do with. The middle of my sternum burns, and ittravels everywhere. It’s worse inside my heart as if something demonic strangles the life out of it.
It’ll be easy to message him, maybe I should send him pictures of my boobs. Guys are into that. Ryder's a guy, he has to be into nudes. But girls who send nudes for attention are desperate. And I definitely am, but I’m not about to blow that wide open.
Our first away game is on Saturday, and we’ll be flying out togetherandstaying in the same hotel. I’m going to be living and breathing in his football universe. I’d feel better if practice and the small lunches and help with algebra wasn’t the only time I see him. He waves, he smiles, I get my forehead kisses.
But something still feels a bit off and Brittni won’t let up. The playful pushing, the hair flips, her arms swinging over his neck – the irking persistence to win him back is pathetic. Her lush pink lips, emerald eyes, and thick mermaid blonde hair burn into my cranium. I’ve never felt a raging ache this deep, and it hurts. I hate her so much. I’d gag her with a jawbreaker, tie her up, throttle the bitch in the back of a trunk, and drive her off a cliff.
I want her miles away from Ryder. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m not the jealous type.I’m not jealous.Why am I lying to myself? I’m drowning from the thought of him biting the edge of her lips, sucking on her neck as he did mine, or combing his hand through her hair. I want to slam my head into a brick wall. My brain swirls, imagining her every moan and sigh from him doing all those things to her that he did to me. It’s suffocating. At this rate, she’s going to sneak into his hotel room and brag about it for days on end.
The ten bags of popcorn I’ve binged on and the dozens of Butterfinger wrappers living in my bed aren’t helping. Croaking alone in bed from a heartbreak must be a thing. Another day of this, I’ll have flies laying eggs inside my mouth, gaping open.
I get caught up staring at Ryder’s posts. The pictures, the thoughts he types up, and skimming through the comments from girls all over the campus swooning for him to notice.
Getting sucked into the loop is easy, and when I talk myself down and log off, I’m back online within thirty minutes. Staring at my messages, watching his icon go online, all of it wages war against my heart.
All week – and after every long day of classes, practice, and stupid sorority meetings – I cuddle up with my blanket in the dorm room with a thousand pounds of books and homework. None of it pulls my eyes off social media. Brittni’s stupid post sits on her feed and eats at me like crows pecking at a dead body.
EW the Trash got a hickey. Not even a fifty-year-old deadbeat would want to touch her with a ten foot pole. If she really thinks she can get with a running back, she’s out of her mind.
Naomi:What did I miss?
Autumn:Not a single guy was willing to kiss her the other night. Talk about gross.
Brittni:Right, and dressing for attention is trashy. Oh wait, she is Trash.
Charlie:Writing about my brother in the bathroom stall seems more trashy. He isn't your property.
Brittni:Oh, please. The bitch is lying to you and you consider her a friend.
Charlie:I can't believe anyone would consider you a good friend. At least she wouldn’t cheat.
Brittni:Whatever! Get off my feed!
Charlie: Peace!
Brody:She’s not Phi material, sweetheart.
Brittni:Trash.
Autumn:She should go Hannah Baker herself and we can burn it.
Brittni:Set it on fire, and get the hint no one wants you here.
Charlie:She’s not the reason why you and my brother broke up. That shit is all on you.
Naomi:I dig the no-bullshit attitude.
Ryder:YOU don’t stand a chance with me. Sounds like you’re angry at the fact someone came on the team with skills you can’t match up to. If Payt wants a running back, I’m all hers. She’s more of a woman than you will ever be.
Charlie:Seriously Ryder?
