Page 56 of Dirty Roulette
Brittni:oooo burn. I’m so offended that I might go cry in a corner.
Ryder's comment has more wow faces than the entire post. I’ve read the post a million times. Reported it. The response is that it doesn't violate any community standards when they legitimately want to throw me at the stake and burn me like a witch.
I don’t know why I’m drowning in what everyone says. There should be some type of strength in me not to give a fuck about them but it’s hard enough to be myself around anyone.
The only thing that’s given me any relief is Charlie not drilling into me about Dirty Roulette. I’ve grounded myself in the dorm, writing papers in English and talking to the wall in French. The one time I’ve left other than for classes and cheerleading was to find the old man tutoring algebra in the library.
Today turned gloomy. The sun isn’t supposed to set for another hour, but heavy gray clouds race across the sky, leaving us with endless dusk all afternoon. The onslaught of rain hasn’t stopped pattering against the window for the last hour. It fits my glum mood.
The obsessive compulsion hits an all-time high when Ryder posts a new picture of himself, shirtless, sitting in his Jeep by the lake. The devil horns, his tongue sticking out. Oh my god, he is with someone else. The pit of my stomach flops more. His biceps flex, the chiseled tan abs. It ruins me. Smears of mud and paintball residue make him look like an edible candy bar.
Naomi: I’m sweating.
Jared:Can I pour oil all over you and give you a back massage?
Ashley:Watch out, hottie on the loose!
Nick:Bro, stop it. You’re stealing all the thirsty girls.
Katie:I think you’ve made my panties wet.
Brittni:Hey, remember the other night? When are you gonna invite me over again?
Ryder:In what universe were you in?
Anessa:Want to know what would look good together? Me and you.
Ryder:Lol
Payton:Fuck you...
I just did that. I typed it up. What the hell is wrong with me? He’s gonna see it. I can’t delete it now. Pursing my lips into a flat, hard line, I try to ignore the way my body flushes from hot to cold. I pitch my phone hard against the wall and crumble to the mattress, ready to burst into an ear splitting scream of blubbery tears any second now. He said we’d hang out, he’d find the time, but he won’t even tell Brittni to piss off.
Charlie pulls an earbud out and cocks an eyebrow. “What’s wrong with you?” I sink my palms deep into my eye sockets, and it pours out. Gross and disgusting waves of tears run down my cheeks as I heave a sob.
“Fuck this, and fuck him!”
“Him? Are you finally gonna tell me who this guy is?” When I don’t answer, Charlie slams the computer shut, scoots off the bed, and crawls into mine. “You need to get out of the dorm. You are bed rotting.” Charlie grabs the metal bowl with popcorn kernels and places it on the nightstand.
“I’m not bed rotting!”
Charlie stares me down, then reverts her attention to the computer screen.
“Then who the hell are you sobbing over?” She crawls across the mattress and leans to pick the phone up off the floor. “Why is my brother calling you?”
I swallow the bulge lodged in my throat, and it sinks to my stomach like a hot rock.
“I don’t know.”
“Cut the crap! You’ve been ditching me for him, haven’t you?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“The truth.” She scoffs.
I wipe the edges of my eyes, but tears pool into little streams of agony falling down my cheeks. It hurts to the core, ripping the skin off my bones.
“I swear his birth certificate is an apology letter from a condom factory.” Charlie gawks down at the phone ringing in her hand. The stupid little crab icon swims across the screen. “I really want to know what he wants.”
