Page 78 of Dirty Roulette
The grass is soft beneath my footsteps as I reach the window and lean against the wood paneling of the house. Ryder’s at his desk, his hair ruffled as he types and taps on the mouse pad.
The window is cracked open. My nervous system is in overdrive, and I’m trying to convince myself he doesn’t want me here, or maybe it’s me trying to convince myself I don’t want to be here. I’m theobnoxious fly buzzing around everyone’s face that needs to be swatted at. My thoughts tell me I’m invading his space. I’m not acting like a normal, sane human being and ringing the doorbell. In fact, I should be waiting for him to invite me over, but my hands are planting me against the wall.
I bite my bottom lip and curl my fingers around the window, pushing it up. Ryder’s lips lay flat as he turns his head. His eyes glaze over, and there is a glass and a bottle of Hennessy sitting next to his computer.
“Aren’t we a little old to be sneaking in?” He asks with a brow lifting, but sadness molds across him as he drags the glass off the desk and takes a swig.
“Do you want me to leave?” I ask.
“No... get in here.”
I push myself up and crawl through the window and tumble to his bed. He stares at the glass in his hand, twirling around the amber-hued liquor.
Ryder leans over his chair nursing the glass in his hands. “I tried knocking on the dorm this morning. You weren’t there,” he says with disappointment laced in his tone.
“I took an Uber home...” I say as my fingers coil together.
“Why?”
My mouth goes dry, and my palms sweat. The ache in my heart pulls out the phone and I cup it into my hands, staring at the screen asking for the passcode. My thumbs type it in and I open up the messages from Brody with half a dozen links sent.
I click the one I watched last night and hold out my hand. Ryder’s a stoic statue. He grabs the phone and presses the play button. I burrow my palms into my eye sockets to stop myself from having another crying spell. At this rate, he is going to see me as an emotional disasterwaiting to happen. Crying is unattractive, and I have a knack for being a cry baby near him.
Adrenaline and all its painful fury pumps through my veins as I bite down on my thumb hard enough the skin might break.
Ryder’s front teeth curl over his bottom lip, and the video is on blast. Brittni’s moans, and sighs. The headboard rattles against the wall. All of it is twisting my heart like a wet rag. He visibly gulps, and a pain etches in his eyes. “I don’t remember filming this...” A hand runs through his hair. With a thumb, he scrolls on my phone, his eyes darting across the screen.
“I dunno what to believe anymore,” I suck in a deep breath.
“I didn’t sleep with her last week. I was with you at the party. This had to have been filmed when we were still together. I had no idea she was recording us.”
“I left, I dunno what happened afterward.”
“Are you serious right now? You have to believe me, I don’t want her.”
“Yeah, okay...” With a palm, I wipe away the tears pooling down my cheeks. They are hot and angry. I’m riddled with lies I’m telling Charlie, and myself. There is a serpent coiling around my neck constricting tighter with each passing second that I don't tell the truth.
“Payton... We talked about this last night. It’s over between me and her. Being with her was honestly the most draining thing I ever went through. Look where it got me.” He waves the glass at me.
“I don’t think you even know...”
“I asked you to be my girlfriend. I know what it is, but you won’t admit to it.” He takes a swig, and I’m not sure if he’s even sober. “I have to hide it when we could just tell everyone.”
“But you’re drinking? Why are you drinking?” It’s coming up like a bad stomach bug – emotions I don’t want to have, insecurities I didn’tknow even existed. More than anything I want him and all of him, but my chest aches. He finishes what’s in the glass and sets it down on his desk. “Why are you drowning yourself?”
“So I stop feeling. Anything and everything. I don’t want to feel a damn thing. I haven’t even told Charlie, but Mom is on medical leave for her mental state. She doesn’t have a lot of leave accumulated and Dad drained the bank accounts. I’m paying for everything.” He tosses my phone back and I barely catch it. He throws himself off the chair, pacing around the room with his hands running along the crease of his neck. “Mom is in the psych unit for forty-eight hours. These videos with me and Brittni are the last thing on my mind. Delete them and stop responding to that number.”
“I’m sorry... I’m stupid and selfish, I shouldn’t even be thinking about any of this when you have a million other problems and mine is just Roulette...” I tremble with the phone screen a blur as I gape at the delete button, getting rid of the videos that shred up my heart.
Ryder stares into the nothingness. Then he crumbles to the bed with both of his hands knitted into the fibers of his hair. “Being forced to lose your virginityisa big deal,” Ryder turns his head to face me.
“I don’t want to be another problem for you.”
“You’re not a problem. I feel like a failure, and I wish I didn’t make you feel insecure. If you are going to finish Roulette, I didn’t want it to be something you end up regretting forever. You asked me to go slow, so I am trying to honor that. I want more with you, I want your heart. Just tell me, what do you need from me to fix this?”
I wipe the edge of my eyes and stutter out, “I dunno anymore.”
A phone vibrates on the nightstand, and Ryder’s face shrivels with annoyance as he sits up and snatches it. “Seriously! What does he want?” He swipes the green arrow and presses the phone to his ear.
