Page 94 of Dirty Roulette
“Well, no shit...” He interrupts.
I bite my bottom lip and shake my head. “Why do I even try if you’re going to be a complete jerk?”
I don’t blame him. I’ve ruined every relationship with my emotional appendages of believing it’s true I’m nothing but trash. I suffocate everyone like a plastic bag over a head.
Ryder grabs onto one of the clean towels on the rack and throws it into my lap. I’m shivering.
“Sorry. I’m a little wound up,” he says and sits back on the toilet. He stares at his bleeding knuckles, rubbing the blood around with his thumb.
“I think she invited Brody. I guess she broke up with Noah.” I grab the water bottle, chugging several more large gulps. “Maybe she planned on getting back together with Brody, that’s what she likes to do,” I say and wrap the towel around my shoulders.
“She broke up with Noah?” He asks.
“Yeah.” I grind my teeth together. I swallow a hard lump stuck in my throat. Chills crawl across my arms like roaches scattering and goosebumps prickle up my skin.
“I think you were both drugged... What’s the last thing you remember?”
I lick my lips and stare hard at the porcelain edges of the tub. “We went upstairs to get drinks. Then Charlie and I got into it. They ditched me so I tended to my demons with tequila, which was a marvelous choice...”
“You got into it with her?”
“Yeah... because...” I pause. I’m sweating and frozen at the same time. I clench the fabric of the towel and dig my fingers into the fibers.
“Why?”
“Because I want to be with you, and me dumping you was a stupid mistake.” I stare up at the ceiling, glaring at the shadows the curtains make along the walls.
“Okay...” It’s all he says. I break down. Crying. I don’t understand what I saw. I’m not sure what was real or a figment of my imagination. I want to believe I saw Brody putting something in the drink. At the same time, people were everywhere, the place was packed.
“I... I don’t know.” My eyes dart everywhere. I clench my jaw. Ryder’s eyes pin me down. I shrug, unsure how the words will sound coming out. “He said it was sugar...”
“Sugar?” He runs both hands through his hair and stands up. Ryder takes a couple of steps back, and his skull meets the wall in front of the closed door. His eyes water and he crumbles to the floor. With a hand, he covers his face.
“He put something in her drink...” he states.
“I tried telling her. I really don’t know what I saw. I was buzzed when he arrived, and it pissed me off. Charlie...she... I dunno... there were people everywhere.”
“You ignored me, knowing something wasn’t right,” His eyes glisten, and he turns his head away from me before wiping his nose with the back of his hand. “Why would you do that to me? You were both in danger, and I’m only a phone call away, a text message.Something. I care about you.”
“I tried telling her...” My voice cracks between my tongue. “I know... I fucked up.”
“I fucked up too.” He wipes his nose again and hangs his hands over his knees. “I forced you to do things with me you clearly weren’t ready for. It’s torn us apart as friends, and I really started to fall for you, I did.” He investigates me hard. I tremble. The dampness of my clothes meets the frostbite of the air conditioner kicking on. A string of dust flutters out of the vent on the ceiling and blurs from the tears.
I stand up and hold myself up with the towel rack. My shoes are heavy, soggy, and filled with water. Each step comes with a squish and puddles of water pooling out. I step forward. Ryder holds his knees with his arms locked across them.
We are dead silent. Skin peels off his knuckles. The sores are yellow and swollen and purple blotches appear around his fingers. “I’m sorry for leaving you, it was stupid of me. I want to be with you.”
“No you don’t. You’ve made that clear, and you made the right choice by leaving me.” He clenches his fists together, and he stares at the wall, not blinking, not even budging his head to face me again. “After tonight, I see that now.”
“What?” I quiver as I see all of my choices standing in a straight line to show me this is where it led me. Lying to Charlie, overreacting and being jealous and insecure, drinking too much, and all I’ve done is hurt everyone around me, and I can’t stop crying and being a complete emotional mess. This isn’t me. I don’t act like this.
He shakes his head, biting his bottom lip. “It’s best if we aren’t together. You deserve to have a choice and I’m not the one for you.”
“Please... no.”
“Look at us. This isn’t what a boyfriend and girlfriend do to each other. This isn’t how a relationship starts or works out. I care about you, I really do; but like you said, we shouldn’t see each other anymore. When you’re ready I’d like to be friends again. Like we were. But I understand if we can’t be...”
This isn’t what I want. It’s one thing when it comes out ofmymouth because I know I can retract my statement and realize it’s a mistake, but I can’t change his words or make him change his mind.
