Page 27 of Head Over Feels
“Itsounds like you managed the episode well.Youshut down the flashback, and you were able to leave the room to recover in private.”
Igrimaced. “Iguess.”
“You’vehad versions of these episodes before.Youseem particularly disturbed by this one.”
Ah, the dreaded non-question observation.Mygut yelled at me todeny, deny, deny.
ButI’dlearned—the hard way, of course—that keeping secrets fromLisamade everything more difficult in the long run.Theonly way to improve, to heal, was to face all the uncomfortable stuff head on.I’msureIdon’t have to tell you how unpleasant that is.
“I—Felix, the guy who was over.He’s… cute.”
OneofLisa’scarefully manicured eyebrows lifted.
“Oh?Areyou thinking of pursuing something with him?”
Ifonly.Ihiked one of my shoulders up, not meeting her eyes. “I’mnot relationship material these days.”
“Areyou the best person to be the judge of that?”
Lisa’squestion surprised me enough thatIjerked my head up to stare at her. “Huh?”
Sheturned her hand palm up. “It’sone thing if you don’twanta relationship,Malcolm.Butthe way you phrased your response makes it sound like you’re interested in having one, but you don’t think anyone would want you.”
“Uh….”Ihad no idea what to say.Imean,Ididn’t consider a relationship to be a goal, because it wasn’t like it was a possibility.LikeLisahad said, no one would wantme.
“You’vebeen coming to see me for eight months now.You’redoing great.Youshouldn’t have any issues being in a romantic relationship if you want to have one.”
Igaped at her for a second before straightening in my chair. “Ican’t subject someone to my bum leg and my fucked-up brain.”
Lisacocked her head at me. “You’reexpecting your prospective romantic partners to be perfect?Whosays they don’t have issues they’re worried about subjectingyouto?”
“I, uh, haven’t really considered it?”Myexes certainly had had their own problems.
“Letme ask you this.Whenyou think of what you want for your future, do you picture yourself growing old with a partner or staying single?”
“I…Idon’t know?”
Lisagave me heryou know whatI’mabout to saylook. “Thenthat’ll be your homework for next time.Answerthese two questions:First, do you ever want a permanent romantic relationship or not?Second, if the answer to the first question is yes, are you interested in looking for a relationship right now?”
And, beingLisa, she had to twist the knife. “Butdon’t think you’re getting out of talking about the conversation you haven’t had with your boss yet.”
Well, fuck.
* * *
Istopped at the grocery store on my way home from work, soIended up turning into the driveway just beforeFelixpulled in behind me.Iparked under the carport.Felixleft his car closer to the street and came jogging up to meet me.
“Holycrap!” he almost shouted. “Thatis some car!”
Irolled my eyes. “Thanks, but it’s not mine.It’son loan.”Thepristine pearly-white 1985BuickRivieraT-Typeconvertible, complete with turbocharged 3.8 liter engine, belonged to—stay with me here—the “gentleman friend” of my best friendFoster’sgreat auntCharlotte.Thecar was huge, flashy, and consumed gasoline like it was free.Ilonged for my old car, a much-loved 2016Audisedan, but it hadn’t had the leg room to allow me to drive with my left foot.TheBuickhad leg room for days.
IletFelixgawk at the car for a minute before ushering him into the house via the laundry room, which was right off the kitchen.Thewind was picking up, and rain would be coming soon.Iwanted to get the groceries inside.
Felixset his messenger bag down by the door and headed to the living room to greetMariposa.Themassages seemed to be helping; she’d moved more easily lately when she got up from her naps.
WhileFelixandMariposacommuned with each other in the living room,Iput together a quick vegetable and pasta dish.Therain increased in intensity, and we started to hear thunder by the timeIput dinner on the table.
“Huh.Lookat the forecast.”Felixheld his phone out to me, the satellite image showing an angry red storm directly over my house for the next several hours.
