Page 53 of Head Over Feels
"Imean,Ididn't want anything like that to happen toFelix."Ipointed a forefinger at her. "AndIknow you're going to tell me that's exactly what my dream was trying to tell me."
“Ifyou know whatI’mgoing to say, why are you here?”Thechallenging eyebrow was back.
“Itold you.Ihad a traumatic event yesterday.Therewas a fucking bomb!”
“Andyou had a bad dream afterwards, like anyone would.”Shefucking smiled at me.
“What?Whythe fuck are you smiling?”
“Well, other than the nightmare, you haven’t mentioned any other issues.”
Mymouth dropped open to contest this, but she was right. “Imean,I’vebeen looking at the picture on my phone a lot.”
Lisa’ssmile got bigger. “Soit’s a good coping mechanism for you.”Shefinally acknowledged my stunned look. “Malcolm, yesterday you went through something scary, and your only reaction was a nightmare and to look at your unicorn picture more often.Thinkback to last year, when you first started seeing me after you andCraigwere held at gunpoint.”
Iunderstood what she was saying.I’dmoved toBentOakafter getting out of the hospital and one of the goons from the syndicateI’dhelped take down had found me and taken me andCraighostage along with a couple other people.AfterwardIhadn’t been able to sleep, andI’dhad several panic attacks.Craighad referred me toLisa.
“Well, yesterday was a bomb, not a gun,”Iwhined, staring back at the floor.Gunshad become extremely triggering—ha ha—for me.Whichwas kind of problematic for someone helping to run a security company.Istill hadn’t toldBrianyet.
“Maybeso, but it was also a loud noise that could’ve killed you.”
Ihalf-shrugged, frowning at the floor.Wasshe right?WasIexpectingto be triggered, andIhadn’t been?
“Still,I’mglad you came to see me.You’vemade fantastic progress, and you’ve completed part of your homework from the other day’s session.”
Myhead shot up. “Huh?Itold youIdidn’t think about it.”
Oneside ofLisa'smouth tilted up. "Soundslike your subconscious did though.Yournightmare was different than usual.Youwere concerned aboutFelix, not reliving what happened."
“Okaaaay.”
“Tome that suggests you care aboutFelix, most likely in a romantic way.”
Mybody went hot all over.WasIblushing?Whatthe fuck?Iopened my mouth but nothing came out.
Lisagave me herI’mnot expecting you to get it right now but you’ll wake up in the middle of the night with an epiphanylook. “Justthink about it.Openyourself to the possibility.”
Ididn’t need to.I’dbeen trying not to admit it to myself, butIalready knew.
Icared aboutFelix.Romantically.
Lisawasn’t done freaking me out.Shetipped her pen so it pointed at me. “Butremember, if you decide you want a relationship, you’ll need to open up about what you’re feeling.Makeyourself vulnerable.”
“Blah, blah, blah, vulnerable, blah, blah.WhydoIcome here again?”
Shelaughed.
Ikept my phone in my hand the entire drive back to the ranch soIcould look at the unicorn photo every timeIstopped at a light.
* * *
AsIfollowed the driveway beside the main house,Iglanced around forFelixand his friends.Theywere probably still in the hot tub.I'donly been gone a couple of hours.
Iparked the car at the guest cottage.Iconsidered relaxing on the couch and having a beer, butIended up putting on my swim trunks and heading for the main house.Itwas only for the health benefits of sitting in the hot tub,Itold myself.Ithad nothing to do with spending time withFelix.He'dbe focused on his friends after all.
BeforeIcame around the last bend in the path to the main house,Iheard voices.Colewas hanging out with them.Great.
Yesterday, my head had been too focused on the bomb to worry too much about it, but todayIwas having a bout of insecurity.Imean, it wasn't likeFelixhadn't seen me naked the other night, but a dark bedroom was completely different than displaying my mangled leg and graying dad bod in the direct sunlight.Andall while standing next to a former movie star who still had a six pack.
