Page 151 of His Darkest Obsession
But I'm not crying because of what Anatoly did to me.
I'm crying because of what he didforme.
He killed the man who hurt me in the past. He killed the man who destroyed my family. Everything he did, he did for me.
And what did I do? I threw it all into his face, told him he was no better than Grant Bennet, and told him that Ihatehim when the truth is, I don't hate him.
I love him. I really do love him.
And I used him. Yes, I used him. Imadehim fuck me so hard and rough just now.
He didn't want to. I can feel that with how he continued to hold himself back even as I was pressed against the wall.
But I needed him to. So, I pushed and pushed and pushed until he finally did.
I sink my teeth into my lower lip to stop another sob from escaping. He would've offered me gentleness if I asked.
But I demanded his violence instead.
I wanted him to punish me because I feel like I deserve it. For getting my parents killed. For bringing all this mess into everyone's lives. For the baby growing inside me that I haven't told him about.
I want to step out and apologize to Anatoly. I want to tell him that I understand why he'd do what he did. Tell him that I know he did all of it for me because he cares about me.
But guilt is holding me here in this bathroom. Guilt is keeping me standing at this sink instead of stepping into the shower to wash off Grant Bennet's blood.
I take another deep shuddering breath. Another sob escapes. And I look at my reflection. The dark red blood has stained my hair, and in that moment, it's like I'm looking at myself again.
Not Indigo. But Amelia. Red hair and all.
"Why?" she asks me.
And I don't know how to answer.
Why did I push him away when he did exactly what I've fantasized about for two years? Why did I tell him I hated him when I love him more than I've loved anyone?
Amelia looks at me, waiting for an explanation that Indigo can't give.
Maybe I pushed Anatoly away because this time, I wanted to know that Icouldhave the choice. That I might want to be the one to decide when and how Grant Bennet would pay for his sins.
That I wanted to be selfish in my vengeance.
And when Anatoly took action, I got mad that he deprived me the opportunity of seeing the light of life be extinguished in Grant Bennet's eyes.
"You're lying," Amelia says. "You were scared of what comes next. You're afraid that once the monster who hurt you is gone, you'll have to figure out who you are without that pain."
I bow my head. Yes, that's true. But there's something else as well.
Valentina's threat.
But that's also a lie. Anatoly would never allow Valentina to hurt me. He would never allow her to hurt our baby.
And that's when I hear it. A small soft knock followed by Anatoly's voice that's just barely audible above the sound of the running shower.
"Indigo... I'm sorry."
I look at the door. Slowly, my feet start to move, almost as if on their own volition. I take one step and then another, and then another. My hand reaches out and slowly opens up the door.
I see him on his knees, head bowed, and I feel myself being overwhelmed by my guilt and emotions. His bloody knuckles rest on his thighs. His shoulders are slumped in defeat.
