Page 228 of Jagged Souls
Despite the suffering in my chest, the world moves on. It doesn’t stop for me to get my bearings, to figure out how to live in a world that doesn’t feel right anymore. Doesn’t feelsafe.
I still have a Family to run. Still have responsibilities. But I’m second-guessing almost every choice I make, wondering if it’ll somehow cause me to lose my wife or brothers. In my panic, I’ve forbidden Lou from summoning demons, but I doubt she’s actually going to listen –she might seem sweet, but she has a stubborn streak so long it could wrap around the Earth three times– so now I’m stressing I’m going to wake up to find her gone, kidnapped by the Prince of Pride and taken to Halzaja so he can be her baby’s daddy. Then I’m going to have to figure out how to get her back before Micha realizes.
Or perhaps Micha would be okay with that.
She seems too okay with everything now. Outside of her first day back, she seems like she always did. Laughing with her sister. Helping her with her pregnancy. Acting as if she didn’t just suffer a nightmare most can’t even dream of, and that’s making me even more stressed.
Because I suffered two months at Antonio’s hands, and perhaps he didn’t make her eat her own eye or testicle, but he hurt her just as deeply. And he did it for longer.
I understand, thanks to Maddox and our sessions, that we all heal differently. But how can she even hope to heal if she can’t even admit that what she endured was traumatic?
Exhausted and terrified of losing her to something I can’t fight, can’t beat this time, I flop down onto Maddox’s couch as he sits in an adjacent chair.
I run my left hand through my hair, then get annoyed at the missing fingers and use my other one.
“I can’t sleep with her, Maddox,” I say.
“Is she ready for –”
“Not like that.” Though she seems to be. She’s pushing me all the time, touching me, kissing me, trying to get me hard, but I’m not ready for it yet.
“I mean actually sleep.” I tug on my hair. It’s getting long. It needs to be trimmed. I shaved the beard I grew while in captivity, but I haven’t tackled my hair yet. “I just watch her all night.”
Maddox surges to his feet; it seems I’ve finally broken his mask of professionalism. “It’s been six fucking days!” he yells. “Do you know how bad it is to not sleep for one night, let alone nearly a week!?” He turns his head towards the closed door. “Ma –”
Lunging off the sofa, I tackle him to the ground. I place my hand over his mouth as I lie on top of him. “I don’t want her magic,” I hiss.
I don’t want any healing magic working on me at all unless it’s absolutely necessary. I can still feel the warmth of Eduardo’s touch crawling through my body, infecting me,owningme, and my fingers tighten over Maddox’s mouth. His eyes widen, and he shifts into his shadows, running from me before I can crush his jaw.
“Shit,” I curse and roll onto my back, my hand clenching into a fist. If he was a second slower, his face would be splattered all over the floor. I press both my palms into my eyes, sleep pulling at me at the same time as it screams for me to stay away.
With sleep comes the nightmares.
Her with Antonio.
Me with another.
Both of us raped in different ways.
And then comes Bambi.
Sometimes, she’s grown and stuck in the same Hel we were.
Other times, she’s just a baby, and Eduardo –
I rip my hands away from my eyes, allowing the light to come streaming back and push away the darkness. “I’m sorry. But that’s why I can’t sleep. I’ll hurt her.” Maybe even kill her by accident.
“You were awake when you just attacked me,” he mutters beneath his breath. I still hear him though, thanks to my hybrid senses.
“I’m more controlled with her.”
“Good to know.” He sits back in his chair. “But maybe you shouldn’t be –”
“No.” I push to my feet. If he thinks I’ll risk her life just to get some shut eye, then this session –
“Not with her.” He darts in front of me, holding his hands up to get me to stay. “Here. I was going to say, maybe you shouldn’t be so wound up. You might not hurt her at all. When you’re asleep, you’re not exactly a ninja.”
I stare at him for a moment. Exhaling, I head back to the couch.
