Page 260 of Jagged Souls
Because he makes me feel whole.
It takes months more before I can fall asleep with him. I was ready to try it that day he fed from me, but he’s been too scared of hurting me. For the past two weeks, though, I got to wake up wrapped in his arms.
I stare into the dark of the room, waiting for the warm stretch of dawn, my thoughts running around my skull, only to keep coming back to one topic. Eventually, I turn around to look at him. He’s already awake and staring at me.
I wet my lips, then whisper, “Tell me about our son.”
His eye widens, but then he smiles. “He’s a fighter. A bit underweight still, but neither Mother or Louise is worried about it. He laughs with his full chest.” Then Varius frowns, pretending to be upset. “He cries with it too. And he makes thestinkiestdiapers.”
I look at him humorously.
“And I swear he holds in all his pee just to piss on you whenever you try to change him.”
I laugh, and he smiles back.
“He’s going to be a great sharpshooter,” he says.
“How can you possibly tell?”
“He’s got great aim,” he says with pride, and I snort, then shake my head.
My smile falls a bit as I think about the questions I really want to ask. Working my throat, I look away. He doesn’t push me. Just waits patiently. Then I breathe out and grab hold of my courage. “Have you named him?” I ask softly.
He grabs my hand beneath the covers and gives it a little squeeze. “I call him Nubian because I needed to call him something,” he rambles, “but if you don’t –”
“What does it mean?” I can feel the bittersweet emotions down our re-established bond. I know it means something special.
Something as painful as it is happy.
He stares at me, his eye so full of grief. Then he blinks and clears his throat. “It’s a type of goat,” he says, and my face twists with both a laugh and a cry of pain.
“You named our kid after a goat?” I ask as my chest hurts so godsdamn much over all we’ve lost.
“You can pick –”
“I love it,” I whisper. Dayne would’ve loved it too. “It fits the animal theme.”Bambi. Rafiki.
He pulls me into a hug, and I cling to him, needing the comfort of his arms. I don’t want to move on from her. To make a family that doesn’t have her in it.
But just because she’s gone doesn’t mean she’s out of our lives. I will always carry her with me. As will Varius. In our tattoos and in our hearts. And in the love I give to Nubian. A little fragment of her soul because I know she would’ve loved him too.
I press my face against Varius’ chest, and I breathe in deep, trying to ground myself in his presence. My throat fills with the urge to ask for V. My body itches with the need to drive to one of our warehouses and convince them to give me a bottle.
But I clench my teeth, and I let myself feel the pain.
The utter agony ripping my soul to pieces.
The V can’t stop this. Nothing can stop it.
But time might be able to heal it if I can keep pushing through the days.
“I’m here,” Varius murmurs against my hair. I tighten my arms around him as I shudder against his chest.
He holds me until I’m ready to let go.
Drawing in a shaky breath, I pull back and say, “I want to see our son.”
Seventy-Nine
