My heart twists as I stare at him. With his one eye, he sees so much. But he still can’t see me. And I can’t do this to him. Can’t be the reason he hates himself after sleeping with me. Caring for me. He has his own trauma and grief to deal with, but he’s focusing just on me when I’m not even worth it.
So I blurt out what I did with Bear. What I only did to score. Not survive. Not to get closer to Antonio so I could kill him. No. I did it just to get high.
He stares at me, but I can’t look at him, hating myself and all the things I did. I know he’s going to leave me now. He’s going to shove me off him.
Instead, he grabs the knife from me, then pulls me into his arms.
“What are you doing?” I rasp. “I’m a monster.”
“You’re not a monster.”
“What I did –”
“Was a weakness and a mistake. But those don’t define us, Micha. You have regret over it and guilt – a monster doesn’t have that. You killed him. You did what you had to to survive without actually hurting anyone. And you traded your life for a little girl. You walked into hel. You comforted the man –” His voice cracks as he thinks of his brother. “You comforted Rudy even though he traded you for her, telling him he did the right thing. The only monster you are ismine.”
He hauls me to his lips, bruising my mouth with the feverishness of his desire. I open for him, needing the poor man’s V.
No.
Needing him.
Needing his acceptance of me. Of all my jagged pieces. Of all my worst edges.
I just needhim.
I tug at his shirt, wanting to feel closer to him. Wanting him inside me. Wanting us to be together like we haven’t been since I was taken.
But he grabs my wrists, stopping me.
“Slow down,” he says, breathing hard.
I want to tell him no. I need him inside menow. But I look into his eye and see his pain. His trauma. It’s not just me who needs help. In my own grief, I need to make sure he’s taken care of too.
“Bite me,” I say.
“What?” It’s a rasp, a croak of disbelief.
I crane my neck to the side. “I want to feel you in me. So we’ll go slow, but I need you to bite me. Please.”
I thread my fingers around the back of his head, but I don’t pull him closer. I want him to choose. I want him to know he has the power to say no, unlike when he was on Antonio’s boat. “Unless you don’t want –”
He leans forward and presses his lips to my throat. My grip tightens in his hair. I breathe out a sigh as I tingle with anticipation. A vampire’s bite releases a surge of dopamine, but all I want is him. This connection. Not a poor man’s version of V. Because what’s happening between us could never be replicated by those potions.
But he doesn’t bite me.
Instead, he moves me off his lap. I smother my fleeting stab of disappointment. This is his choice. I will wait until he’s –
My eyes widen as he lays me on the ground. He tugs off my pants, then nestles his face between my thighs. He rubs his fangs across my thigh, and I jerk beneath him.
“Is this okay?” he asks.
I tense, Bear’s “good guy” behavior filling my skull.
Varius looks up at me, and I look down at him, and I tell myself I am safe. Varius isn’t a good guy. He killed so many people to get me back. But I am safe with him. He will not hurt me. He will stop when I tell him to stop. When I just freeze in uncertainty.
Looking him in the eye, making sure I don’t break his gaze, I nod.
But fuck, he makes it hard to hold eye contact when all I want to do is throw my head back to the sky and moan. He moves my underwear to the side, knowing I don’t like to be naked these days, then spreads my pussy lips apart with his fingers.