Page 114 of Breaking Sanity
Nikolas, I swear, could be bipolar or something. I do suspect that he may have DID, but what are the odds of that, right? He switches his personality almost instantaneously. Plus, the two different pet names he has for me makes me want to punch him and then have him chain me to the floor to fuck me senseless. Like I said my head is so beyond warped that I am a million percent sure my sanity is almost gone.
As for Eagle and Shadow, I have no clue. I don’t know how to be around them and show them how I feel without running the risk of getting them killed. Or flipping on them just to push them away. Bipolar mood swings are the fucking worst. I tell myself to calm down but it doesn’t work. I just cannot control my own mood or calm myself.
When I woke up the day after Annie’s death, Shadow was the one who came to get me. I was so lost that I could barely function. He helped me take a shower and Eagle supervised, per Baron’s orders.
Six months ago
“Stay with me baby. We are right here.” Shadow’s whispered words ring through my head as I stare at the brushed grey tiles.
“Kill me,” I beg, turning towards him. I wish he would take off the damn mask. He and Vaughn are the only two who still wear them around me. Leo takes his off when it’s just us.
“No, Little Monster ,” he responds as he lathers my hair with the shampoo.
“Then get the fuck out,” I snap, pushing him away. “Both of you.”
“Don’t start this shit again, Alley,” Shadow growls, pinning me to the wall. “I am over you fucking pushing us away.”
“Fuck you! You handcuffed me and let him put a needle into my neck.”
“Baby Girl,” Leo interrupts.
“Both of you, get the fuck out. NOW!”
“NO! You don’t fucking get it do you?!”
“Shadow, stop.”
“Fuck off, Eagle.”
“Get what?! That you are their fucking lap dog! That what I thought you felt for me was never fucking real? Yeah, I’m pretty sure I understand that now.”
“Everything I feel for you is fucking real! You don’t think seeing you like this doesn’t kill me? Kill us?”
“Fuck both of you!” I start to sob.
“Little Monster ,” Shadow’s tone softens while the back of his hand caresses my cheek. “Look at me.”
“Get the fuck out,” I shout, swatting his hand away.
They ended up leaving me there in the shower. Part of me was relieved and the other part, the true part of me, started to die. I know that there is a lot more behind the scenes that I will never know. Plus, I didn’t grow up like they did so their form of affection or whatever the fuck this is, is vastly different than the normal world. I am just taking my anger out on them and that’s not fair. They may not be stopping this, but he has helped me in ways.
I finish washing my hair, letting a few tears slip free. My mind is so chaotic, and my emotions have reached their boiling point. At a loss on what to do and needing a break, I pull myself back into the present and focus on my shower.
I’m shoved forward as I go to wash my body. I go to catch myself but land awkwardly on my wrist, groaning in pain. Before I can get myself off the tile, my hair is being yanked up painfully, forcing me to stand. Then I am slammed into the stall wall. Melanie’s laughter rings through the room. I fucking hate this bitch, but it’s not her pinning me to the wall.
“You took them from me,” A voice bites in my ear.
Fucking Carson.
“Think you did that to yourself, buddy,” I clarify.
I know it will only make things worse but if they are going to kill me, I’d rather be blind with rage and snap by either beating me to death or breaking my neck. Those seem like better options than what they probably actually have planned. I’ll take my own life before those plans come to fruition.
I swing my head back colliding with his face. My head pounds with pain and my vision starts to get blurry. To the best of my abilities, I grab the back of his head and bring it down at the same time I lift my knee. Pain explodes through my leg but I don’t have time to focus on that. I slide past him only to be grabbed by a green purge mask, Logan. He grabsmy wet arm but his hand slips causing him to bend down and give me a chance to elbow him into his face. The mask cracks and so does his nose. I go to run again but get tripped up and go crashing to the tile knocking the wind out of me. I roll onto my back coughing when Melanie places her foot on my throat keeping me in place. She adds more pressure until she cuts off my circulation. I could usually throw her off me but my hands are still wet so I can’t get a grip.
“Love, you can’t kill her yet.” Carson comes into my line of sight wiping the blood from his nose.
Love?
