Page 32 of Petals of Blue: Part One
I only have so many pages...I won't fill them with excuses that only serve to invalidate the pain I survived.
Twenty
FELIX
Ipride myself on my control. Normally I would sayloyalty,but we all know how that went down. Christ, what a mess.
Mycontrolis all I have left it feels like. If this were one of those werewolf books that Declan likes to read, then I would be the alpha. But what does it say about the alpha when he has literally no idea what happened this morning?!
I had no idea Roman was capable of such deception. None of us did—clearly because we thought his anxiety last night and into today wasnormal. The dickhead wassweatingfor twelve hours. Declan, Jared, and I shrugged it off and just went to breakfast with him.
That's not to say I'm mad Blue showed up. Okay, maybe a little. Had I knownwhythe hell we were there, I could have prepared myself for it. We focused on Blue and Violet the entire time—whichyes please—but she needs to hear our fucking reasons to...to what?
What do we want?
I'm spinning out of control, and I'm about one wayward hair away from losing my goddamn mind. My control overmyself. Apparently, I can't control Blue who wants fuck all to do with us. And Declan? What the hell was that?!
Obviously I think D's attractive in a subjective way. He's thepretty boyof our family—I have eyes. But that has never meant my dick does too. Until yesterday. His skin on mine jolted me, and when our eyes clashed, my dick sprung to life.
I fooled around plenty in college, had a dick in my mouth, whatever. But this? Thatconnectionlit my insides on fire. My groin turned into molten lava, and my lungs had to fight to keep breathing.
Declan didn't seem as shocked as I was, which left me with so many fucking questions. Questions that have gone unanswered all damn day. He's avoided me since Blue left us speechless at the breakfast table.
How screwed up would it be for me to ask Jared about this?Fuck it."Yo, Jared!"
It takes a minute, but soon he's bounding into my bedroom. "Sup?" He retracts his greeting as soon as he sees my facial expression. "No."
"I didn't say anything."He definitely knows something.
Jared shakes his head. "I'm not getting in the middle."
"Middle of what?"
"Between you and Declan."
I got him right where I want him."What about me and Declan?"
"Declan needs to talk to you about it."
"Why does Declan need to bring it up?"Come on, give me something here...
"After two years, I think it's time he manned up. His crush on you—" Jared's brown eyes widen. "You motherfucker! That was manipulation."
It's easy to pull information out of Jared and Declan because they're slightly loose cannons. Their energy and impulsiveness work in my favor sometimes.
I don't feel guilty about it right now, though. I'm fuckingreeling. Standing up from my bed with my shoes on now, I begin to pace. "He's had a crush on me for years? What the hell, Jared?! Why didn't anyone tell me?!"
He hesitates, but when I whirl around on him, he folds. I sound like I'm lashing out in anger, but my expression shows the hurt and fear I'm suddenly drowning in.
Jared sighs and runs a hand through his short ringlets. "I've been trying for a long time to get him to open up about it. He's had a lot longer to wrestle with this than you have, Felix."
Fuck, that's fair. "Who else knows?"
"Roman doesn't seem to know if that's what you’re wondering, but..." he trails off and smirks.
"But what?" Annoyance is beginning to steal my patience. I want the information so I can track Declan down and talk about this. Because everything has changed. Our group dynamic will never be the same.
Jared huffs a laugh. "Blue knows."
