Page 65 of Petals of Blue: Part One
Roman, Declan, Jared, and Felix hurt me. Theyhurtme. Their impact on my life was worse than Aunt Linda's abusive boyfriends. How can I forgive that?
Do I plan to? If I don't even after all the effort they're putting in to make things right between us, does that make me selfish?
I amdefinitelymaking shit harder for everyone, and it makes me feel like a hypocrite. How can I continue to punish them when I know how much it hurts to be made to feel like you aren't enough?
Everything they've been doing...Has it been enough?
My belly twists uncomfortably.Will their efforts ever be enough to outweigh the pain they caused?
How am I supposed to decide that, though?! The unfairness of my predicament makes me angry and irrational.
Theyghosted me.Theyleft me when I needed them. Why in the hell is it up tometo make this decision? It feels like for my entire life, everything has been on me.
This is just another fucking decision I have to make. I want to scream at them and tell them to fuck off, but those are my scars talking. I’d rather forgive them and collapse into a puddle of tears in their arms because my heart feels like she deserves their love.
My mind questions whether I can trust their affection andloyalty.Ugh, that word is so fucking tainted now.
And my soul? She's weary and tired. There are too many voices and feelings tugging me every which way.
How am I supposed to decide?Whatam I supposed to decide? If they've redeemed themselves? If they've grown enough? Do Ibelievethey're redeemable? Maybe the answers aren't factual but personal. What if...what if instead of judgingthemand their actions, I focus inward and assess my feelings?
"Blue Bennett, you're scaring the shit out of us."
I blink. Felix's sharp tone snaps me out of my epiphany. I'm shocked to see Jared and Declan sitting on the other side of the booth with worried expressions. Roman's beside me, his thigh almost touching mine. And Felix has his fists braced on the table, glaring down at me.
Licking my lips, I fidget nervously.What is wrong with me?"Sorry, what did you say?"
"Is everything okay?" Felix grits out, looking like he wants to say more, but Declan's soft touch on his hand calms him.
My initial reaction is to nod, but there's no way the guys will let me off the hook if I brush it off. Sighing, I tuck my hair over one shoulder. "I'm stressed. Work is changing, which is great, but still a lot. You guys are everywhere." I gesture to the current setting. I'm not even quite sure why they're all here. A bit ago, I had come down to Declan's café for a latte, and suddenly they're all here?
Roman lays his hand on my thigh, the heat warming me to my core. "You walked in while we were here having breakfast."
"Oh..." I gulp, wondering what they must think about my obvious issues this morning. "Well, anyway. Violet's been acting strange for a few weeks now, and I don't know how to help her."
"Weird how?" Jared asks.
"Closed off, jumpy, defensive..." I list, but I'm unable to fully explain thefeelingI have that something is going on.
Declan opens his mouth and snaps it shut. "What?" I ask, wanting any kind of advice.
Dec shakes his head. "I was going to ask if you've looked through her phone, then I remembered she's an adult and that would be weird."
My shoulders slump.Fuck.I'd love to, but not only would that be horribly wrong, I also don't think I want to know what's on there.
Half a thought forms that would be best not to say, but the scars are talking now. "So, I think it's best if..." I trail off. Felix narrows his eyes at me, making me cringe a little, but I keep going. "I think it's best if we go our separate ways?—"
"Absolutely not," Felix snaps, slamming his fist down on the table with a dull thump.
The tears that had disappeared before start anew. Why does pushing them away feel so wrong? "I need to focus on Violet. I need to be there for her, Felix."
"We aren't going anywhere. We will be here forbothof you. Don't you dare push us away." His expression is steel, and his gaze is like fire. "You and Violet will be coming over for weekly dinners from here on out."
My rebuttal melts away as my heart warms. "Okay," I whisper instead, allowing a few tears to fall which Roman wipes away.
Weakmy scars accuse, but I just realized not five minutes ago that it's not about the guys.Not really. It's about me and what I'm feeling.
Having Felix fight for me, Roman comfort me, Jared being attentive, and Declan challenging me makes me...happy. Something in my foundation shifts and settles into place. Judging by the way I lean into Roman, and hold Jared's gaze without feeling nauseated, I'd venture to say my trust in them in building.
