Page 159 of Balance
He was wrong, I was feeling quite a bit of anger right now. It flared through me, making my blood heat. My panic faded as red creeped into my vision.
Miles—Tu—whoever he was… He had no right to tell me how to live my life. Everyone just needed to butt out. I’d been doing perfectly fine; even Mukind ofsaid so himself, in theory.
Wasn’t it good enough? Why did he have to ruin a perfectly good morning?
I was going to make him drink more water—pee out the rest of that garbage potion.
“It’s none of your business!” My nails dug into my palms. “You know nothing about me.”
“I know you well enough.” He crossed his arms. “Shui might support your endeavors, but I was the one you came to for emotional advice. That’s probably why you’ve never been able to talk to Trinity. Don’t you trust me anymore?”
“Of course!” My pulse echoed in my ears, panic and fury threatening to tear me into two.
“I’ve watched you try to meditate before sleeping,” he continued. “A practice which, by the way, has never suited your personality. I can’t imagine why you’re studying it now. But it doesn’t matter. You’re never going to succeed because you literally can’t be alone with your thoughts. That shows me you’re not fine at all.”
I could no longer meet his eyes, and my glare turned to his neck. His skin was growing redder, the only indication of nervousness since nothing else in his posture indicated that he was feeling any remorse whatsoever.
“What do you expect from me?”
“I want you to talk about it.” Miles’s tone had turned almost pleading. “What do you think you’re accomplishing by avoiding the subject?”
“What’s thepoint?” I snapped, the thin thread of my resolve finally snapping in two. “What does everyone want me to do, cry?”
“Well, that would be a start,” Miles replied. “Once you let it out, you’ll be able to move on. That’s what lets you process your emotions with Finn, isn’t it? You’ve cried, and now you’re on your way to forgiving him.”
“What are you talking about?” How dare Miles make these assumptions—Finn was still very high on my list of people to maim. “Besides, Finn is different.”
There was no comparison between Finn andthat.
“How?”
How could he ask that, wasn’t it obvious? I waved my hand in the air—it was impossible to talk through the emotion pressing tight against my chest. “Finn lied to me, he manipulated me. Our entire friendship was a sham.” I blinked back tears. “But his actions were never anythingpermanent. There’s absolutely nothing that can changethis.” I gestured toward myself, turning my face toward his. “What do you allwantfrom me?”
“Shui told you already.” Miles’s expression remained blank, though he tilted his head in my direction. “We don’t wantanything.”
“That’s a lie!” Why didn’t he understand? Why was he making me say it? “Titus needs a virgin bride for his prophecy—that’s not going to happen with me. There’s no way you could want to be with me. Do you know how old I was the first time I was raped?”
Miles’s eyes narrowed and features darkened. “I—”
“I was almost six.” My breath hitched as I pressed my finger into his chest. “I stopped counting how many times because I don’t want to remember. What makes it worse, I didn’t even understand what happened.” It was getting harder to breathe and blackness swam in the corners of my vision, but I still pressed forward, unable to hold back the outpouring of my emotion. “I didn’t even realize until I had my first sex-ed class. The act wasn’t anything other than a part of life.”
As quickly as it came, the swell of anger ebbed, and my limbs felt heavy. Nausea twisted in my stomach as I fell forward, pressing my palms into the dirt. “I don’twantto think about it; I don’twantto talk about it. You all think I’ll magically get better one day, but it’s not going to happen. I can’t change my physical body. So, really,whatdo youwant?”
I wasn’t looking at Miles, but when he spoke, his voice held a compassioned, even tone. “Are you done?”
I glanced at him, wiping my nose with my sleeve. “W-what?”
Out of all the possible reactions, this was the one I’d expected the least.
He’d crossed his arms and legs, and his shoulders squared as he peered at me. A curl fell over his brow and his expression was still carefully closed even though the redness had crept over the rest of his neck and reached his ears. “I asked if you were done.”
How much of Tu was actually in charge? Julian had been close to the surface with Shui, but this was different. The Miles I knew would have rushed to comfort me or would start swearing in French.
Either thing would have been preferable to this… non-reaction.
“You’re passionate, but you’re also logical; and that’s how you’re going to beat this, because you can’t trust your own emotions. You’re your own worst enemy.”
How dare he—
