Page 82 of Ashes and Lilies
“I—” I still faced forward, unable to look at him. My knees were pressed together, and I’d clenched my hands in my lap. “I’m not sure what—”
“Bianca,” he repeated my name and grabbed my hand. Iflinched, but he ignored it. “I will not look at your memories unless I have no choice. I do not take this lightly.”
“B-but…” I began, and I glanced at him. There was a quiet, assured sincerity in his gaze. Guilt caused my stomach to clench, but it would be insulting to pretend that he was wrong. “How did you know?”
He tsked. “I’m somewhat of an expert in inquisitions,” he replied. “Besides, you weren’t afraid until I mentioned this particular ability. You didn’t even care that it’s my job to kill people.”
Hepotentiallykilled people. Besides, anyone Julian might ever kill was bound to deserve it anyway.
“I’m not afraid of you,” I whispered, looking down at his hands.
“You’re afraid—” he began, and my breath strangled.
“I’m afraid of what you’ll see,” I said, unable to hold it back any longer, and covered my face.
“Bianca?” he asked—and I could hardly hear him over the sound of my harsh breathing—but I wasn’t done.
“I can’t do it,” I told him.
What had I been thinking? I wasn’t good enough to live up to their expectations. I couldn’t even act like a regular person. These compounding events were making it clearer that I was never going to be normal, no matter how much I wished otherwise.
“I don’t—” I began. “I don’t want you to see because I don’t want you to figure it out for yourself.”
“Figure what out? What can’t you do? Bianca—” He touched my shoulder, and although I knew it was him, my thoughts scattered as my skin crawled.
I pulled away before reason could reach me—before I could bring myself back to the present. My breath escaped in a rush as I pressed against the door and crossed my arms in front of my chest.
Julian was watching me, his hand still outstretched. His features were thick with worry, and his brows furrowed in wariness.
“I’m—” Why was I shivering? My hand shook as I held out my palm. “I’m s-sorry, just—just give me a minute.”
“Of course,” Julian replied. “What do you need?”
“N-nothing. I—I guess,” I began, touching my hand to my ear as I looked at my knees. “It’s getting to me.”
He didn’t reply, and my nervousness increased. I moved my hand to my hair, pulled a piece forward, and twirled the brown curl around my finger. “Being chased. P-people g-grabbing me. I was s-scared.”
“That’s expected, Bianca,” he said, clenching his fists over his legs. “I imagine it’s a frightening experience, but we’ll always be here to protect you.”
He’d said that, but I couldn’t stop my gasping breaths.
“Darling,” he began tentatively when I didn’t respond. “Is there something else bothering you?”
“Are you really okay with it?” I asked. This had haunted me since last night, and then there were Anthony’s comments.
“With what?” Julian asked in response.
Damen didn’t understand what he’d agreed to. I knew how men were. They could not forgo fulfilling their physical needs forever.
“I—” I needed to know. If they didn’t expect anything, would they still touch me? How far would it go? “We—what do you want from me?”
There was a short silence before Julian asked, “Can ya run that by me again?”
My ears perked, but my panic was too strong, and I mentally filed his tone change for later. It was so slight that I might have imagined it anyway.
And sure enough, it was gone by the time he spoke once more. “What are you talking about?”
“I can’t do it!” I wrapped my arms around myself. “I know that we have an agreement, but—but what if it’s not enough?”
