Page 83 of Ashes and Lilies
“What do—” he began, but I stopped him.
“I’m messed up!” I squeezed my eyes shut. “This might be an easy workaround for your rules, but—”
“Stop,” Julian ordered, pushing two fingers against my lips. He was leaning close to me now, his face even with mine, and when I looked into his eyes, they shimmered with a dark, deep clarity. “Now tell me: What, exactly, do you think is happening?”
“We’re best friends,” I told him, rubbing my eyes with my sweater sleeve. “But since you’re all starved for female companionship, I’m also available for your emotional needs—so you can feel like you have a relationship even though you can’t date. But what if someone expects more?”
“Bianca.” Julian sounded eternally patient. His eyes were closed as he held his fingers to his temple, and when he looked at me again, his expression was carefully guarded. “I blame myself—I should never have expected Damen to explain.”
I sniffled and wiped my nose with my sleeve.
“Yes,” he continued. “It is true that we can’t have relationships. However, that has never appliedwithinour quintet. Even so, things are different this time, and we must be careful.”
“Why?” I asked.
“The rule exists so that we don’t reproduce,” Julian explained. “And this is the first time any of us has been born as a woman. It might not have been as concerning if it were anyone else in our quintet. But it’syou.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked.
Julian looked out the window before he responded, “Because before the rule came to be, most of us, including you, oftenmarried and had families because we wanted to share in the human experience. Despite that,you’vealways been the one who held our romantic interest.”
“But…” I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. I stared at the juncture of his neck—his muscles were tight with tension.
“This time,you’rea female,” Julian continued. “That changes the dynamics of our relationship. We don’t know how the rule applies now.”
That was dumb. I should tell them. This was no time to be embarrassed. Would it make them feel better if they knew, or would it make everything worse?
“I can’t have sex,” I said.
Julian began to say something, but I needed him to understand.
“I can’t,” I repeated, clenching my fists so tightly that my fingernails cut into my palms. “I’ll do anything else you need, but I cannot have sex. I toldDamen, but… I don’t think you understand. I don’t care what happened between us in previous lives. I physically cannot do it.”
“Bianca,” he said again, placing his hands on my elbows as he drew me closer. A calmness surrounded him that didn’t exist before, and his voice soothed away the rawest part of my fear. “Is that what you think—we’d only want you around for that? Do you really believe there’s an ulterior motive?”
I stared at him. All men wanted that, even if they didn’t admit it.
“I-I hope not…” I muttered, glancing away.
Julian squeezed his hands over my arms. “How would you interpret my actions based on behavior alone?”
My heart began to race. “That you want to date me.” But with that came certain expectations, so…
“I’m going to be blunt,” Julian interrupted my thoughts. “I aminterested in you in that way. If the situation were different, I would have already asked you to be my girlfriend.”
My chest grew tight.
“However—and we all feel this way—we value getting to know you and making sure that you’re comfortable more than anything else. We do not everwant you to be afraid of us. Bianca”—Julian pressed his hands to my cheeks and urged me to look at his face. The sincerity radiating from him took my breath away—“I want to be with you in any way you allow it. You’ve always been the person I care most about in the world. My soul recognized it from the moment I saw you, even if my mind didn’t make the connection.”
I couldn’t tear my gaze from his, couldn’t speak.
“Your absence affected all of us greatly, and we would do anything just to have you near in any capacity.” He rubbed his thumb under my eye. “I won’t complain if you decide to keep things formal between us in this lifetime.”
Here was this reincarnation talk again. “But—”
He pressed his finger over my lips. “What do you need from me?”
“What?” I blinked at him, reaching up and holding his finger.
