Page 65 of Ashes and Lilies
“Do you want me to go away?” I offered, and my heart broke a little with each word. I wanted to solve his problem for him.
“No!” Damen pulled me to him on the floor, and I straddled him as he held my arms against his chest. He shook, as if he were afraid that I’d disappear. “No, you can’t leave. I’m sorry. I’ll stop—just don’t leave.”
“You don’t need to stop,” I muttered, knowing my face was on fire. “I don’t mind when you flirt with me, but—but I just don’t know what you expect from me. Especially since you all do it. That’s what makes me nervous.”
“You are cute. You’re beautiful, sexy, and adorable,” Damen said. “I want to see more of everything you do. Even if I spent the rest of my life figuring this out, I’d be happy.”
It was official. My heart was in danger of beating out of my chest.
Yet, it still sounded like he wanted a relationship—or at least something like it.
I had to make this clear.
“We can’t have a sexual relationship,” I told him. He touched my shoulders as he pushed me back, but I couldn’t meet his eyes. Instead, I looked at his ceiling. “That might be what you’re used to, and I don’t understand all these rules, but the only thing Ican’tdo is to be here for you physically.”
I could see him open his mouth from the corner of my vision, and I pressed my finger to his lips.
“But,” I continued, "you can all flirt with me… if you want.” It made sense that they were starved for genuine contact. “If it makes you feel better, we can pretend. I don’t mind.”
“Bianca…” Damen started.
“But—” I cut him off once more. “Please don’t let me know when you fulfill your biological needs elsewhere.” I stumbled through the words. “I’m giving you all permission to flirt with me, but I know doing this isn’t going to satisfy you. It’s fine, I don’t want—”
“Bianca, stop,” Damen said, and my gaze shot from my hands to his face.
I expected him to be blushing—goodness knows I was. But what I didn’t count on was the careful, blank mask over his expression.
“That won’t happen.” He was studying me in a way that made my breath catch.
My heart fell.
“Once you agree to be with any one of us in any capacity, there will be no one else for that individual. And I can speak for everyone when I say that none of us has any desire to ‘fulfill our needs’ elsewhere,” Damen said.
“But blue balls!” I gasped. “Won’t they kill you in the end?”
Damen groaned, covering his face with his hand. “I cannot believe that I am having this conversation.”
“But—”
“No, Bianca.” When Damen met my gaze, he spoke without a hint of embarrassment. “A man will not die from not having sex. Although, you might need to be understanding if someone needs to leave the room or wants privacy.”
“Oh, but—”
“Wait.” Damen frowned, rubbing his chin. His grey eyes watched my face. “How is it that you don’t know what a happy ending is, but you know about blue balls?”
My heart, which had been racing with anxiety, stumbled over itself at the enormity of my mistake.
“There’s something different about your expectations of sex.” Damen’s eyes never left mine. “Are you speaking from personal experience?”
The blood rushed from my head, and I felt faint. “I’m not sure—”
Yet Damen kept on going. “Did Finn and you ever—”
“No!” I pushed back, landing on my butt. My back pressed against the mirror as I wrapped my arms around my knees. This was the most horrifying conversation ever.
“I’m not completely stupid!” I continued, my voice slightly panicky. “You need to give me a little bit of credit if you want to be friends with benefits.”
“What the hell?” Julian stormed into the room, followed by Miles.
