Page 84 of Ashes and Lilies
“I don’t want you to worry about labels—for not only your safety, but also to negate the pressure of fitting in to a certain mold. That’s what Damen was getting at. He wants our relationship, whatever it may be, to progress according to our feelings without worrying about the legalities. So, considering that, what makes you comfortable? Do you want me to stop touching you?”
“No!” Truth be told, I didn’t. The thought of doing these things with anyone other than the guys made me feel gross. But with them, it was familiar. “I don’t want you to stop. I like it.” I told him, and my face turned hot. “I-I just, what if it getsoverwhelming, and…” I wasn’t sure how to explain. “What if it’s too much?”
Julian frowned. “You can say no.”
I ignored him. “That’s why you can all go out and…” My voice lowered as my neck warmed. “Fornicate. That’s what I told Damen last night.”
“You told him that?” Julian asked, covering his eyes.
My chest tightened—why did he sound upset? Did I make a mistake? “Do you think he will?”
Damen told me he wouldn’t, but what if he was doing it now?
“No.” Julian lowered his hand to his nose and watched me over his fingers. “This has been a long time coming, and once Damen makes up his mind, he’s relentless and loyal. He won’t gofornicatenow, even with your permission. None of us would.”
The knot in my stomach loosened. That was good.
“And why would you suggest it if it made you unhappy?” Julian asked.
“Because I can’t expect you to put up with this.” I gestured toward myself. “And I don’t want to make any of you uncomfortable because you are accommodating me.”
“Why don’t you let us worry about us?” Julian responded. “You’re the one who has the control. If it makes you feel better, why not come up with a word that you can feel free to use inanysituation?”
“A word?” I repeated, not certain how this would help.
“Right.” Julian nodded. “Obviously, you’re not okay with ‘no.’ Plus, you said that while you’re fine with how things are, you’re concerned that lines might be crossed. You’re scared that you might be unable to speak up about it, and you’re not entirely sure what you want either.”
I nodded.
“So, pick a word to use,” Julian explained. “You can say it atany time, and whoever you’re with will stop what they are doing and back off.”
This was the most brilliant idea. Julian was a genius.
He nodded. “Now the word should be something you wouldn’t normally use—”
“Pineapple.” I sat up eagerly and nodded. This was excellent. I was feeling more confident already.
Julian shot me an incredulous look. “Pineapple?”
“Yes, it’s perfect.” I loved that word. Pineapples always made me feel happy—they were a bright, cheerful yellow, and a delicious fruit.
“You’re a botany major,” Julian said cautiously. “That word might actually come up a lot in conversation. Don’t you think you should pick something that is not plant related—”
“I’m good.” I grinned at him. “You’re so smart. I would never have thought about this on my own.” It felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I was confident now—more than ever—that things just might possibly work out.
17
Julian POV
Miles had beenthe first to meet us at Aine Hamway’s, and shortly thereafter, he and Bianca disappeared into the house. It was clear from the way he’d clung to Bianca’s arm that he was still afraid of ghosts, but Bianca had been able to distract him by raving about the many exotic plants in the nursery needing their ‘help.’
I remained on the patio, leaning over the railing and looking out toward the distant lights of the taller dormitory buildings while I waited. I doubted I’d see those two again until they were tracked down and dragged back into the main house.
Which was perfect, of course, because I needed to talk with Damen about something urgent.
Damen arrived, pulling his vehicle in behind mine. When he got out of the car, he spotted me, and I waved at him and gestured to the pergola. I didn’t want to take the chance thatMiles—as I could fill him in later—or Bianca might overhear our conversation.
“What’s wrong?” Damen asked, loosening his tie, as we met. The others, of course, knew about the attack earlier, and the onmyoji’s wary gaze drifted back to the house. “Is she okay?”
