Page 142 of Brambles and Bellflowers
“I’ve watched you try to meditate before sleeping the other night,” he continued. “A practice which, by the way, has never suited your personality. I can’t imagine why you’re studying it now. But it doesn’t matter. You’ll never succeed because you’re unable to be alone with your thoughts.”
My glare moved to the exposed part of his chest and neck, where his skin grew redder. That was the only indication ofnervousness; nothing else in his posture indicated that he was feeling any remorse.
“What do you expect from me?”
“I want you to talk to me!” Miles’s tone had turned almost pleading. “What do you think you’re accomplishing by avoiding the subject? Why do you hide how you feel?”
“What’s thepoint?” I snapped, the thin thread of my resolve finally snapping in two. “What does everyone want me to do, cry?”
“Well, that would be a start,” Miles replied. “Once you let it out, you can move on. That’s what allowed you to process your feelings regarding Finn, right? You’ve cried, and now you’re on your way to forgiving him.”
“What are you talking about?” How dare Miles make these assumptions—Finn was still very high on my list of people to maim. “Besides, Finn is different.”
There was no comparison between Finn andthat.
“How?”
How could he ask that? I waved my hand in the air—it was impossible to talk through the emotion pressing tight against my chest. “Finn lied to me. He manipulated me. Our entire friendship was a sham.” I blinked back tears. “But his actions were never physical. Not like…”
I bit my lip and gestured towards myself. “I can’t change this. So what do you all wantfrom me?”
“Shui told you.” Miles’s expression remained blank, though he tilted his head toward me. “We don’t wantanything.”
“Don’t lie!” Why was he making me say it? “You can’t wait forever, and I can never be with any of you that way. There’s no way you could want that anyway. I’m disgusting. Do you know how old I was the first time I had sex?”
Miles’s eyes narrowed, and features darkened. “I—”
“I was almost six.” My breath hitched as I curled my fists against my chest. Darkness lingered on the edges of my vision, making it difficult to breathe. “I…” I grabbed at my head, fingers tangling in my hair as I struggled to breathe. “He—he was so much bigger than me. It—it hurt a lot. Then it didn’t stop—with different people. I don’t even know how many! T-then…”
My voice trailed off as a spasm recoiled through my nerves, and my breath hitched. As quickly as it came, my anger ebbed, and my limbs felt heavy. Nausea twisted in my stomach as I fell forward, pressing my palms into the dirt.
“I don’t want to think about it,” I whispered. “I don’t want to talk about it. You all act like I’ll magically get better, but I won’t.”
I wasn’t looking at Miles, but his voice held a compassionate, even tone when he spoke. “Are you done?”
I glanced at him, wiping my nose with my wrist. “W-what?”
Of all the possible reactions, this was the least I’d expected.
He’d crossed his legs and squared his shoulders as he peered at me. His hair had fallen over his brow, and his expression was still carefully closed even though the redness had crept over the rest of his neck and reached his ears. “I asked if you were done.”
“Um…” What was this reaction?
“Right now, you’re your own worst enemy,” he told me. “You’re not thinking logically—you’re not listening.”
I glared at him over my sleeve.
“Don’t give me that look.” He pointed at me. “Your emotions are the reason you can’t focus.”
I sucked in a breath.
“I’m going to emphasize,again, that we do not expect anything. I’m not anidiot. I am well awareof the implications of your past. I will not leave you regardless.”
I opened my mouth, but he silenced me with a sharp look. “On the other matter,” he said. “No matter what happened orwhatever acts you were forced to participate in, none of us would ever think you are disgusting.”
My heartbeat was thundering, and I flushed, crossing my arms over my lower stomach. “But—but you can’t…”
I squeezed myself. They didn’t understand.
