Page 67 of Where the Dark Knelt
I was feeling incensed at his on-off way of dealing with me. “When we were alone, you treated me like I was special. You were so into me when I was with you. Yet, you emotionally wreck me in front of my friends by ignoring me, and playing games with my feelings so that you can get off on it.”
Both of his hands held the back of his neck, elbows out. Stretching backward, he looked awkward and I could see that whatI’d said had affected him. I just didn’t know what though. Alfie asked me to stop the car. I refused, continuing to drive him home because I felt that all the time I was driving he was less likely to try something.
He sat in silence for some time. “I told you, Lily, no hearts-and-flowers, you knew that when we agreed to the arrangement.” I bit my lip, looking at him. He bit his in return, and I wished for just a second he hadn’t looked so sexy doing it.
“You told me that we could terminate the arrangement at any time. So what? We’re both liars?” I spat back. I thought about the girl I’d seen him around campus with and was about to ask him about her. “Interesting choice of words you keep giving me, Alfie.”
Frowning, he raised an eyebrow. “What words?”
I gave him a small smile. “I can’t love you,can’tever give you a commitment. Can’t love me? It sounds to me like there is something or someone stopping you. Peopledon’t sign up for commitment as soon as they start a relationship, Alfie. So, it seems strange to me that you would put that out there before you even know someone, unless there’s a reason not to get involved.”
Feeling this was so draining. “I’m tired of this drama. I think I get what you want. I tried it, but it just wasn’t for me. I’ve seen you with all those other women, Alfie. Why would you wine and dine them without screwingthem, then call me when you’re done? Do you get off on secrets and lies?”
Alfie stared at me, not offering anything as a reply.“I‘ve seen your other women, Alfie, it isn’t like I’m anything special anyway.” His finger trailed over the back of my hand as I gripped the steering wheel.
“You’re my favorite girl, Lily. You are so much more than them. They picked me, Lily, but I picked you.” He ran his fingers through his hair and for the first time, I really thought that what he was saying affected him.
I knewthat women probably threw themselves at him. Christ, he was irresistible to me even after he told me what he wanted from me that first time. “I don’t want to be your favorite, Alfie, I just want to have a normal relationship and be respected for who I am.”
He clasped his hands and stretched his arms turning his palms out in front of him. “You want me to pretend that I’m your boyfriend, is that it?”
Our conversation was becoming more and more bizarre. “No, Alfie. Listen, I enjoyed what we did, our connection was amazing. I don’t want you to feel bad about any of it. I was as invested as you were.However, I’ve moved on. I can’t be with you… that way, anymore.”
Alfie placed his hand on the steering wheel. “Stop the fucking car.”
I stole a quick glance in his direction. “Stop the fucking car now, Lily.” I became worried about his temper and pulled over, not entirely convinced this was the right decision.
“Look at me.”He had swung sideways to face me. My head turned to face him. “Can I try something?” He must have seen the fear on my face because he tried to reassure me more softly. “Don’t worry, babe, I won’t hurt you.”
“You do, Alfie, every day you do this, you dohurt me,” I replied sadly.
His head moved back as if I had slapped him, his mouth dropped.
“That’s not what I’m trying to achieve here, Lily, far from it.” Shaking his head, he asked again, “Can I try something?” I must have looked apprehensive because his eyes softened. “Trust me.”I looked away because I had trusted him, and this was where it had gotten me.
Yet, I was curious about what he wanted to try. “Okay.” I sounded almost inaudible. Alfie leaned over and moved my seat back, giving me more leg room. “Face me, Lily.” I swung my legs around.
Alfiecupped my face with his hands, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs. A tear fell from my eye and streaked down my cheek. He caught it with his thumb, bringing it up to his mouth. His face closed in on mine, and I shut my eyes.
I didn’t want to look at him, it hurt me too much.His lips landed on my closed eye, kissing one then the other, as his hand stroked the back of my neck.
It wasn’t a passionate embrace. Itwas a tender, comforting one, a side to Alfie I’d never seen previously. His face moved to my neck, and he whispered, “Lily, I really don’t want to hurt you, all I want is to make you feel good.” I pushed him back.
“I’ve told you it doesn’t make me feel good. It’s killing me, Alfie, please stop,” I pleaded. My lip wobbled.
As I was talking to him, I couldn’t stop my feelings. I was frightened because despite how he was making me feel, I had fallen in love with him. My heart sank to my stomach. This was not how it was supposed to be.
Alfie sat back and stopped touching me. He huffed out slowly, his breathing ragged. He gripped the sides of his seat as if he was restraining himself from touching me again.
We sat in silence, but grief washed over me. The reality of why I’d been so tormented by this was hitting me like a tsunami. Not only had I fallen deeply in love with Alfie, but I’d fallen in love with someone who could never love me back.
I heard myself say, “Don’t do that again, don’t touch me. I’m starting the car, and I’m going to take you home now.” We sat in silence and by the time we arrived at his house, my face was streaming with tears.
I was too distraught to fight him when he pulled me into him. “Shush,” he whispered. “I really don’t want to hurt you. Stay here tonight. You can’t drive home like this.”
When he felt my body tense, Alfie tried to soothe me and rubbed my back.“I promise, I won’t come near you. I’ll sleep on the couch.” I became distraught and began to protest but realized that I was so upset, it wouldn’t be safe for me to drive home.
Alfiewas true to his word, he walked in front of me, putting the nightstand light on and left the room. He reappeared a few minutes later with a bottle of water and some headache pills.
