Page 72 of Dark Shaman: Eternal Hope
The direct question, asked with such gentle matter-of-factness, broke something in Tula. She felt tears prick at her eyes, and she blinked them back furiously.
She would not cry.
"Three months, maybe a little longer," she admitted, the words feeling like shards of glass in her throat. "For five thousand years, I've been so bloody careful, and now I'm pregnant."
"And terrified," Beulah added.
"Terrified?" Tula laughed, but there was no humor in it. "That doesn't begin to cover it. If it's a boy, he'll be taken from me before he even knows my face. Nine months of carrying him, hours of labor, a few months of breastfeeding, and then they'll just take him. And if it's a girl?" Her voice broke. "If it's a girl, I get to watch her grow up in this prison, never able to transition, aging and dying while I stay young forever."
"There are other options," Sarah said carefully.
Tula's head snapped up. "If you're about to suggest what I think you're suggesting?—"
Abortion was a last resort that none of them had attempted, but some of the servants had.
"It's early enough," Sarah said, not flinching away from Tula's harsh tone. "There are certain herbs that trigger it, as well as other methods."
"No." The word came out with such vehemence that Sarah actually pulled back. "I won't do that. I can't." Tula pressed her hand to her stomach again. "The only way this child dies is if I die with it inside of me. At least then we will meet on the other side of the veil."
"Don't talk like that," Areana said. "We've all been through this and survived. You will survive as well. It will break you, as it has broken us, but we will help you rebuild yourself as we have been doing for each other ever since this started."
"That's not an option," Tula said firmly. "Not for me."
Liliat shifted on her bench, the cushions rustling softly. "Does Tony know?"
Tula snorted. "How could he not? My breasts are swollen, my belly is growing, I haven't touched wine in weeks, and I can barely keep food down. But he keeps acting like everything's normal, talking about the herb garden and asking if I want to go swimming. Either he's completely oblivious, which seems impossible given that he has a doctorate in bioinformatics, or he's as scared as I am and pretending it isn't happening."
"Men can be surprisingly dense about these things," Raviki offered. "Especially when they don't want to see something."
"Or maybe he's waiting for you to tell him," Tamira suggested. "Maybe he doesn't want to pressure you or assume anything."
"Assume?" Tula's voice rose. "What else could it possibly be? I told him that I gained weight, but he sees what I'm eating. He should have seen through the lie."
"You need to tell him," Areana said. "Whatever you decide to do, he deserves to know. He's the father."
"And then what?" Tula stood and started pacing the small interior of the gazebo. "He knows what happens to children born to the harem ladies. If we are lucky to have a girl, at least he would get to see her grow, and he will die before her." She shook her head. "That's depressing to even think about."
"There must be another way," Tamira said quietly.
Everyone turned to look at her, and Tula saw something in her friend's eyes that hadn't been there before. Hope, maybe. Or determination.
She narrowed her eyes at Tamira. "Like what?"
Tamira glanced at Areana, then back at Tula. "Things are changing. The rebellion showed that Navuh's control isn't absolute. There might be possibilities we haven't considered before. We need to think creatively."
"What kind of possibilities?" Sarah asked.
"I don't know," Tamira said. "But we are all smart, and if we put our heads together and take into account that things are not the same as they used to be when our children were taken away from us, we might come up with something." She turned to Tula. "You need to have faith."
Areana's expression had gone carefully neutral, which told Tula that she suspected where Tamira was going with that, and she didn't like it.
"How long can I hide it?" Tula asked, changing the subject because she couldn't bear to hope for something that might not happen. "How long before it becomes impossible to conceal?"
"With the right clothing, maybe another month or two," Beulah said, studying Tula's figure with a practical eye. "We can help with that. Looser gowns, different styles. Lord Navuh rarely sees us, and when he does, he pays attention only to Areana. He won't notice until it's impossible to miss."
Tula wasn't sure of that. Navuh noticed everything, but it was true that they rarely got to see him, and it wouldn't be too difficult to avoid him. The problem would be concealing the pregnancy from the staff, and someone would inform Navuh.
"He'll be pleased when he finds out," Areana said. "So, he won't be too angry about no one telling him about the pregnancy. Another child for his army or another daughter for the harem is pure gain for him."
