Page 7 of Beauty and the Nerd
“Ben…I…” She paused, closing her eyes for a moment, before looking back at him when he brushed a hand gently down her cheek. She wanted it out there for them both to know so he’d understand her hesitance with everything from here forward. “I know what the guys at school say about the girls but it’s not true always. I never did anything with Carter.”
“I know baby. I know you just went out with him a few times to keep up appearances, went to Homecoming with him and he kissed you. I believed you when you said that’s all that happened with him. You don’t have to give me any answers to anything.” Hell, he didn’t want to hear about the past, he just wanted her in his future.
“That’s not what I meant. I…I’m still a virgin.”
“You’re still…Em, god baby.” His entire being filled with happiness at the idea that no one else knew her intimately. It was stupid, he knew that, but there was an added layer of happiness to him with it all the same.
“Surprised?” she mused meeting his gaze, and he nodded.
“Yes, it makes me happy although I know it shouldn’t. I know it shouldn’t matter but in a small way it does I suppose. I hate the thought of you with anyone else,” he admitted making her grin and he kissed her nose, loving that grin of hers. “Now, I wish I were too.”
Her eyes widened as she looked at him, a hint of hurt on her face that tugged at his heart. “You’re not? Damn…I…I don’t mean it in the way that no one would…I just…”
“I get it baby. I’ve never pushed anything with you, and I told you that I’ve never been in a real relationship so adding the two together, you’d think no, right?” he questioned, and she nodded slightly. “I’ll admit that it was just sex to me. I was an almost sixteen-year-old guy, and the girl was willing, eager…”
Emma sat up looking slightly sick at his words and he wished he’d said it differently. “I don’t think I want to hear any more of this.”
Ben followed her, cursing himself for not just staying quiet, but he didn’t want a lie between them. He wanted her to know that it wasn’t ever going to be just sex with them, she meant the world to him. He sat up sliding his hand up and down her arm until she relaxed back into him again.
“I’m sorry Em; I shouldn’t have said anything right now.”
“No, I’m glad you did. I don’t know why it hurts so much to know…it’s not like you were sleeping with whoever it was when we first started this, right?” She looked back at him, and he nodded kissing her temple as he cupped her cheek.
“I haven’t slept with her since last year, and by that, I mean calendar year, not even school year,” he added seeing her lips tighten slightly. He leaned forward and kissed them softly hating the pain in her eyes that he’d caused it blurting it all out like that. “I know it sounds awful when I say it meant nothing to me, but it didn’t Em. She means nothing to me. You do, you mean everything to me, and that’s why I told you, wanted you to know so there’s no lies or half-truths between us about it.”
“She goes to our school?” Emma asked feeling nauseous at the idea. She much rather it had been someone he’d met during a summer program or something like that she’d never have to deal with.
“Yeah, she does,” he stated, making it worse.
“You just turned eighteen,” she mused, recalling the little private celebration for the day they’d had at the beginning of the month. “So, if you haven’t for a calendar year that puts it at just after your birthday last year?”
“My birthday last year was the last time, Em. I tried to tell her I was done with it then, but she didn’t really listen. We were alone and she was aggressive about ‘giving me a present.’When I left, I told her we weren’t going to get together like that again and I made sure to stick to my word, not be alone with her anywhere.”
“Oh my god…you were sleeping with this girl who meant nothing to you for over a year? You have over a year’s worth of experience whereas I…”
“Baby, don’t,” Ben said as questions rolled through her mind making her feel even worse. “You are so much stronger and smarter than I ever was when it came to sex. Yes, I have some experience but it’s never going to become an issue. Yes, I want you, have thought of what it could be like between us, but I would never try to coerce you into it simply because I’ve slept with someone before and want to sleep with you now. If you don’t want to before graduation, I won’t get angry. If you aren’t ready before we leave for college, I still won’t get angry. Hell, even if you aren’t ready before we graduate college, I still won’t be angry or try to pressure you into anything, Emma.
“I’ll be desperate to hold you, kiss you, think about doing very naughty things to you before bed,” he added with a grin, kissing her neck making her laugh and a tiny smile settle onto her lips, “but I promise, I’ll never begin to doanythinglike Carter did. When or if it happens, it’ll be because you’re ready. Because together we’re ready for that step.”
“And if this other girl would happen to stop by willing and eager again?” she had to ask as her heart raced with worry.
“I’ve told her plenty of times that I’m not interested in sex for sex alone anymore, told her I don’t feel anything for her. I want what we have and if it goes further one day then I will be the happiest, luckiest guy alive, and everyone will know just how much I love you. She could show up at my door naked, and I would simply shut it in her face wishing it were you instead. Now that I have you, you’re all I think about, want, baby.”
Emma relaxed into him completely, positive that he was telling her the truth. He laid them down, letting her use his chest as a pillow and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly to him.
“This is what I want Emma. Just being able to hold you makes me happier than I ever have been with anyone else, and no, it was only her,” he said feeling her breath in at his statement.
“Who is she?” She was sure she didn’t want the confirmation of her fears, but she had to know. He didn’t answer immediately, and she looked up at him for it. “Ben, who was it? Please don’t say it’s none of my business, not if she’s still pushing for more with you, because if you don’t tell me then I’m just going to worry that it’s…”
“Crystal? Regrettably, it was, baby,” he said when she paused, his answer confirming her worst fears, and she almost wished he’d lied to her.
He saw the look that crossed her face and slipped his hand up into her hair shaking his head at her. “I will never hurt you by being stupid with her, I swear.”
“You’d better not.” She rested her arm on his shoulder as the worry increased inside her. “I’d really hate to look like the biggest fool by being cheated on with her.”
“It’ll never happen, Em. I will never doanythingto hurt you baby. Even if you don’t trust her, please trust me. Trust that I will never begin to put myself in a position where you could begin to be hurt even accidentally.”
She nodded lowering her lips to his, showing him just how much she did despite the hurt she felt about his past with that girl.
