Page 331 of Chaos has a Name
That person needs to be you.
I’m not angry with you, Wyler. Even though you broke my heart by putting the alcohol and the countless women before me, I forgive you. Now, you need to forgive yourself. You need to pull yourself up, put your needs last, and help Ethan navigate this. If no one helps him, it will destroy him.
You can’t let that happen. You have to be the one who protects him from here on out. You have to be the one who stands up and shows him how to be decent.
He’s going to do great things, Wyler. Greater things than you and I ever have. He’s going to be a father one day, and you have to bridge that gap with him before you drink yourself to death.
Put him first, Wyler, or if you can’t, let him go. If you can’t be the father he needs, like you couldn’t be the husband I needed, let him go. It was easy for you to abandon me, putting your selfishness first, but don’t destroy our son. I forgave you for what you did to me, not for you, Wyler, but for me so I could meet my maker in peace.
Ethan deserves nothing but love, and if you can’t show him that, let him go to another family that can. Give him the chance to leave here, and find his way.He’s smart, and he’s going to be so handsome one day. Let him find his worth if you can’t give it to him.
That’s all I want from you, Wyler. In amends for all that I’ve carried the last years, I ask that you don’t hurt him out of anger because of your issues, or me dying. I fought as hard as I could to be here for Ethan. Now, you have to do the same.
I envy you.
God.
I envy you so much.
You’re going to know the Ethan I never will. You’re going to see that smile of his as he’s charming the ladies, and how he’ll hold his own children when they’re scared.
You’ll get to see him walk down the aisle, and who he’ll marry as his true love. I won’t ever see that. I won’t be there to welcome his wife into his world, or his babies after. What wouldn’t I give to hear someone call me grandma?
You’re lucky, Wyler.
Don’t forget it.
Also don’t forget that the child we made was loved gently, and fostered with all the kindness of a mother’s heart. I poured myself into him with the intent of making him a good man.
Because he’s the best son a mother could have.
If you take care of him, and you show him that he’s special, precious, and unique, along with the other son you’ve created, I’ll forgive you and hold your place in the afterlife.
All I want from you is the promise that Ethan will not be hurt by you anymore than he alreadyis. You’re all he has left, and he deserves a father especially when his mother was taken from him.
Please.
Please change for him, since you couldn’t change for me. Tell him I love him. I loved him the second I felt him move in my body, and when I read to him while he was in me. Tell him that I cherished each flower he picked me, and I kept them. Tell him that I loved seeing him and his brother, Callen, together. Because what they have is a special bond, and it’s going to be what saves him in the years that come.
Tell him that my brightest moments were with him, and that not for one second did I regret giving up my previous life to be his mother. It was the most amazing gift in the world.
Take care of my son, Wyler. Take care of the oath you made, when you promised to love me and him forever. It’s time you stopped putting you first, and put our son first.
I hope you make the right decision for once.
Ethan’s life is worth it.
Tell him that I hope one day he goes and finds the other part of his family. Tell him my sister’s name is Jennifer Kennedy-Smith, and to start there.
His journey is beginning, and I’ll forever be grateful I was at the beginning of it. Please give him the box I left for him. Timothy has it, and he will remind you.
Be well, Wyler.
I hope you learn to love yourself one day too. I know that the death of your mother put you on this path, and I pray Ethan doesn’t end up on the same.
Until we meet again,
Cathie.’
